clickmom

shame on who

I realized tonight that instead of brushing his teeth Evan has been fooling me the last couple of days by sucking on  peppermint lifesavers.

nature

This is what I now about trees:  Some are Christmas trees and the rest get oh so pretty in the fall and drop their leaves.

This is what I know about animals: Pets are dogs, kittens, gerbils, hamsters and fish too small to eat. Call the super if you see roaches or mice, they are not pets.

Yes, folks I have the city kid's view of wildlife.

Once when I was at my J.A.P. sleep away camp located in rural Pennsylvania where the other girls wore high heels and make up to evening activities,  a squirrel managed to drown itself in my bunk's toilet.  One of the braver J.A.P.s in my bunk (she didn't last long, only 1 summer, she was way too natural for this camp)  lifted the squirrel corpse out of the toilet while I followed at a safe distance towards the rear of the dead squirrel procession as nature girl took the squirrel body to the nature counselor down at the nature shack.

Once we had squirrels in our attic here in utopia.  Pest guys, that I hired out of the phone book (before internet in the dark ages)  caught them in traps, tossed them into their trucks and hopefully drove them far far away.  While the pest guys were in the house I waited outside on the front lawn, just incase someone got of the cage,  and then took snap shots to share the wildlife in the attic horror with the husband. There was like a whole family of squirrels.  Ick!

One thing I like about utopia is the lack of critter-dom on our island.  Once I did see a fox right at the apron of our driveway, but I pretended it was an anomaly.  Then when I was up there in utopia last weekend the sentry told me that she had seen a fox a few times on our property.  gulp.  Then I noticed some animal droppings that were round and dried and grassy.  Deer?  They could walk over the frozen lake.  Bunnies?  I could deal with bunnies. I'm telling myself it's bunnies.  But I don't want to.  In my fantasy the biggest non human living thing on the property was a cute little chipmunk.  I have a soft spot for chipmunks. 

Then, this is hilarious, WIldmom called me on the phone and said she had trapped a raccoon in her house and did I want to get into her mini van and keep her company while she drove far far away and let the raccoon go.  I repeat, WIldmom thought I might want to be in the same enclosed space with a ( most definitely ferocious rabies carrying)  raccoon.  Hahahaha.  I declined that very generous invitation. 

Then as I drove up to my stepford abode the other day one of those big brown hairy fat low riding suburban animals casually ambled away from my trash can and oncoming truck.  I have no idea what it was.  It was like a big fat woodchuck with a bald pink tail and two white bands of fur around it's thick neck area.  Now I am going to have nightmares.

catch up

I have been too up and too down to post.  First I was up because my solo show is opening at the end of March and I am all YIPPEE! over planning it.  

But then I have been down because everyone dying is hitting me kind of hard right now.  Josh's birthday was yesterday and there was no lame card in the mailbox from my mom who signed both hers and my dad's names.  And I didn't get to buy a gift and pretend it was really from grandma.

But we did get a card from the husband's best friend's mother, and that made me cry because I was afraid that if I called to thank her that she would ask about my family since I don't know the last time we spoke to her.  I don't want to talk about IT.

Also, I have eaten my weight in anything that crossed my path for the last week.  Why?  Who the hell knows.  I can tell you though that after watching something on an educational channel about chocolate and finding out that chocolate grown in different parts of the world taste different froom each other, I had to see for myself, which meant buying 6 large single origin chocolate bars, and they are all the heaven known as chocolate that I was hoping they would be, but I think I might prefer chocolate grown in Sao Thome, which for those of you who haven't read the back of the overpriced single origin chocolate bar label, is a tropical island off of the  coast of Africa.

Amidst all of this complete and utter gluttony I did do my WEDNESDAY WEIGH IN, and much to my happiness I only gained a pound and a half this week.  I figure if I can stop eating like there is no tomorrow today, that perhaps I can break even this week with a little extra weekend exercise or even better possibly lose that pound and a half that I had hoped I had said goodbye to forever. 

I just loved it when the diner waitress was listing cereals they served for Boops and she said they had "Cap-i-tain Crunch"  Because really, it's even spelled Cap'n Crunch.  Cap-i-tain just makes the little Cap'n guy sound so masculine and powerful.

Also, I volunteered to run Josh's cub scouts den for the week (We did the art section), so now I am in love with the other boys.  It helps that they all root for the Yankees.  But so cute, I could just suck their little brains out.

I took spin with little MaryLou and I suspect she was testing me to see if my heart would give out after hill climbing with jumps for 20 straight minutes.  I am proud to say that I conquered the spin class, I sweated to a whole new unchartered level of sweatiness, but my heart (and thank you dear heart for putting up with my poor eating habits so graciously) took it all in stride.  Maybe MaryLou just wanted to make sure I was fit enough for the BikeNY tour with Kitten that I did finally sign both myself and Evan up for.  MaryLou said she had done it a few years ago and that I could definitely do it.  Just like that.  Why am I the only one worried about this?

Tonight I am going to finalize the design for hanging my show (you know, some are vertical and some horizontal- have to have a balance-though I do take a startling amount of vertical landscapes) and maybe even order the photos!  And the frames!  Then I will cry because OMG, so expensive.

weekend

We spent the weekend in utopia.  I was all excited because it was my anniversary weekend (Today is the actual day.  18 looong years) and I (of no romantic inclinations)  had actually pulled off what I thought was a great surprise.  I had one of my lake photos blown up and framed and managed to get it up to utopia undetected by the husband.  The kids were all in on my plan, and when we got there on Friday they couldn't wait three days to surprise him, so I said we could give him his gift early.  I told the husband I had a surprise for him and his eyes lit up and he asked if was fireplace tools. When he saw what it was he couldn't mask his disappointment and he said he thought it was "cute".

Guess who just got his last anniversary gift ever?

This is what cute looks like:

Adorable, right?  

Guess what I gave the husband for Valentines day? The gift of life.  I vowed not to smother him in his sleep for at least another year, maybe more if the economy picks up.

Anyway, I was all excited to go up to utopia and do some shooting because my neighbor from up there told me that the snow was all gone.  I don't know what the f**k she was talking about because this was the snow covered lameness of utopia:

Clear as a bone.  I can't tell you how distressing it was, in February the most desperate for spring month of the year for me to drive from snowless Stepford to snow laden utopia.  I don't like shooting in the snow.  So I figured I'd experiment with this lensless pin hole device I got for my camera.  It's supposed make my digital camera into a pin hole device.  Only problem was that someone was vying for attention.  Guess who wanted in on the action:

I ended up visiting lil sis when we were up there and we ended up playing some kind of princess game with my little niece in which the winner was the person who had donned a complete set of jewelry.  Lil sis started to put the earrings in her nose and you know what that led to don't you?  Here we are posing in homage to my late mother, in the one pose she favored that she believed made her look thin,we call it The Turtle, with our nose rings in place:

Sorry about the out of focus-ness.  I had the flash turned off on the camera.  Matt took the photo, he played with us and man, was he hot for the tiara!  If he wasn't such a manly man I might be wondering just a little bit right now...

Once the wind died down (OMG- the wind!  I was like kicking the cellar door and yelling "Auntie Em!  Auntie Em!")  the weekend turned out pretty nice.  My neighbor at the end of the driveway (the sentry) got a nice valentine surprise, someone painted her a heart and an X and an O in the ice outside her window.  Aaaawww!  I got two funny joke cards from the husband.  It's a good thing he has inadequate life insurance, because I don't watch all those CSI shows for enjoyment you know, I am studying up!!

to die for

a thousand somethings

Today was the big 2nd grade valentine exchange.  Matt helped out this morning and  sat at the kitchen table with Josh reading off the names of Josh's classmates, so that Josh could present each class member with their own card.  (A requirement in his school). While driving Matt to school Matt let me know that he had given Josh some advice about what to write in the card for Josh's crush.  Matt suggested this not exactly age appropriate sentiment to Josh:

When I look upon you my heart burns with the fiery passion of a thousand blazing suns.

Upon hearing this little pearl of teenaged big brotherly advice I promptly kicked Matt out of my slow moving vehicle (hey, we were close enough), and high tailed it home all the while hoping that Josh had not yet gotten to signing his crush's card.  Not surprisingly at all, (because really, I was never going to make it back in time, ever) I was too late.  I walked in and Josh proudly announced that he had just finished signing all the cards for his classmates.  I asked Josh what he had written on his crush's card and here Josh's interpretation of his big brother's advice:

My heart blazes like a 1,000 fires when I glaze upon you.

The crush's mom and I had a good little giggle over that tonight.

 

wednesday weigh in on the bottom

Kitten told me that she and her husband are going out to celebrate the 25th anniversary of their engagement.  Do you know when I got engaged?  Too bad because I have no idea either.  I know where I got engaged and that was ...maybe you should sit down... Cooperstown NY!  Home of the Baseball Hall of Fame!  You see, dear reader, the husband is almost as romantic as I am!  Now before you get all weepy just thinking about the husband whippping a ring out in front a wax statue of Babe Ruth or something, I will tell that he did not ask me at the actual museum itself.  No, dear readers, he asked me in the hotel shower.  This is the legacy he started for his 3 male offspring.  I'd like to officially apologize to any future daughter in laws right now.  It isn't my son's fault, he was doomed from the beginning.  I should have said NO and made the husband ask me the right way, but I was young and stupid, like so many of us used to be and I just kind of shrugged and said "um, okay, sure, I'll marry you."  And then he said I was scalding him with the hot water did I mind turning it down about 10 degrees.  Now you know for sure that combined the husband and I have all the romance of a bowl of baked beans.  I recall wearing light weight clothes during that little trip, so my guess is that it was either late spring or early fall.  Sorry that is the best I've got.

Our actual wedding anniversary is coming up though, I'm 99% sure of that date, and we have nothing special planned.  Maybe we can not fart in front of each other (see baked beans reference in paragraph 1)  for a day in honor of our 18th wedding anniversary. That would be nice.  And kind of refreshing, in an "it never happened before why should it happen now" kind of way. 

In other news, our annual issue of soft porn Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue showed up today.  And I have to say that if I was the mother of a daughter who wanted to be a model and she told me that she had this swim suit issue opportunity I would be outwardly supportive but inside I would die just a little bit because I do think it is over the top and has nothing to do with anything other than showing off and sexualizing some beautiful young lady body.  If anyone knows why exactly more than half of this year's models (at least the ones wearing suits and not the body paint) look they are pulling their bottoms off (too many margaritas before the shoot maybe?  Can't make it to the rest room?) please feel free to clue me in, as I am almost as sexy as I am romantic.  Do guys think that pull down your panty move is extra hot?  Or is it only hot with a bathing suit?  You should tell me before my anniversary, you know, for the husband's sake.  (I . can .not . stop . laughing . here)

It was in the high 60's here today and I almost started my annual post winter sock bonfire.  Have I ever expressed my hatred for washing and sorting socks here?  But the dashboard weather report tells me that it is going back down into the 30's this weekend so I put away the lighter fluid.  

It was beautiful though, and I made sure to appreciate it as I ran to and from the car doing all of my daily

errands.  I made an attempt to buy out costco today, but really, howmany bags of lettuce can one family eat?  I had to go reasonable.  Anyone want a salad?

I did swing by Whole Foods too and I bought what must have been thought of when someone decided to make a word that means "food of the gods", because dried out fruit and rancid nuts?  Get real!  It is a steak rub and get this: IT HAS COFFEE IN IT!  And it says it is going to carmelize when we cook it!  OMG- steak and coffee in one carmelized juicy bite, it's like a tongue kiss from heaven right on my fork!  I'll be sure to let you know how that works for me.

In other news, I did wear a pedometer yesterday. I did not end up at the gym yesterday because Evan was home with a stomach thing and I got lazy just didn't feel right leaving him. Even though I spent a good deal of the day sitting on my arse on the couch the pedometer said I had walked 5,158 steps for the day.  That seems unlikely.   I'm sure that was way over what I walked.  So today I put the pedometer to the test and I wore it while on the ellptical at the posh club.  The elliptical has it's own stride counter, which seemed accurate since I watched it go up according to my steps, and at the end of my hour the elliptical machine credited me for 6926 strides/steps and the pedometer only credited me for about 6,400.  I guess it all evens out in the end because the step counting pedometer  thought I walked 1,514 steps just getting myself and the boys ready for school, which again seems highly unlikely, but you know, a little over here and a little under there could average out.  That is until I saw my nightly total which was a whopping 13,741 steps by dinner time and I think I might have to find myself a more reliable step counter if I am going to really pay attention to how many steps I take.

Wednesday Weigh In:  A pound!  A singleton. How disappointing.  That makes this contest's total weigh loss 8 pounds.  I told myself a pound lost is better than a pound gained, and after I was so disappointed on Monday when I pre-weighed myself, I did fall off of the grain free wagon (brown rice and potatoes), but never fear, today I am grain free again and I have high hopes for a bigger number next Wednesday.  I'm pretty sure if I can up my vegetable consumption while halving my daily 2 bucket of fruit habit, then a good weight loss week shall follow.  I plan on wearing out this pedometer over the weekend.

sleep posting

I'm feeling all tired again.

I hate that.

Seriously, I HATE THAT.

I hate that I walk around telling myself that something is just not right and there are no tests or crystal balls or sirens or any anything that backs me up.  I'm even at the point where I'd take some kind ofprescription just to make me feel normal again.  Except my real fear here is that this feeling is just the new normal for me (cause I am OLD now) and I am going to live the rest of my life walking around in this fog, slapping my own face to wake myself up and salivating over the next chance at a cup of caffeine.

Anyway, there has been pressure from my homies on facebook for me to do a list of things of 25 things about myself.  The problem (or more accurately, MY problem) with such lists is that I view them as completely transparent psychological experiments and it wouldn't surprise me one bit to know that there are researchers out there right at this very second tweezing apart peoples lists and looking deep into their psyches not just because of the things they say, but also because of the things they didn't say!  Or how many times they said the same thing.  Or even the true twisted meaning of what these about me listers say, because we all know, just like the first few months of a relationship, we present the person we wish we were instead of the person we actually are.

Paranoid much?

Josh has a crush on one of his classmates.   I thought it was just too darn cute until last night when she walked into the restaurant we were eating in and his face lit up like he was looking at Legoland or something.   Someone please tell me how a little boy obsessed with legos can one day wake up and be in puppy love with a real live walking and talking girl?  I still have a couple of weeks til he is 8 dammit!  Slow my kid down!

Speaking of slowing down, I want my pre-puberty Evan back.  I am telling you right now the boy is trying to send me to an early grave.  TRYING!  Among other things this week he some how misplaced my ice chopper, so I got to skate off the ice covered apron of my driveway to get mail every day, bent my house key and didn't tell me so I discovered it when I returned from dropping off the kids at school.  Naturally it was 24 degrees out and I was wearing a sweater.  All the house entrances were securely locked and I didn't even have my cell phone.  I considered driving back to the high school to get Matt's key, but after managing to unbend my key there was one lock that it actually worked in.  Evan spent the entire weekend honing his "make Josh scream " skills.  Evan has himself some mad skilz, yo.  No one can terrorize like Evan.  Evan also got his dirty little paws on some Jolly Ranchers sucking candies and OMG HELLO ADHD.  There is a reason why that kid does not eat artificial food coloring, and his behavior this weekend is that reason.

I made the critical mistake of getting on the scale at the posh club today.  Why I did that, I do not know.  Yes , I do.  I weighed myself on that scale because my home scale is not registering a loss for this week.  I figured that my grainless week would be a great weight loss week.  No deal, the posh club scale had me down one pound.  The official weigh in isn't until Wednesday, but still, NO GRAINS!  So then just to teach that scale a lesson I had some potatoes tonight.  I bet that scale is hurting now!  Yah!  I need prepared meals.  I anyone have a chef they can lend me?  I can not be trusted in the kitchen.  In a perfect world, I would not enter the kitchen.

I bought a pedometer a while ago and haven't taken it out of the box yet.  Guess what tomorrow is?  It's unleash the pedometer day!  My goal: 10,000 steps a day.  The ellipical told me I had made 6,469 strides today, so I figure I can get 67% of my daily stepping in a single hour at the gym.  I might even try to go for 75% at the gym.  It's just easier that way.

I suppose I could walk the devil to get my steps in.  I like her better now that I have doubled her food supply to the minimum for weight loss and she doesn't lie weakly on the cold hard floor whining for scraps every time I go anywhere near the kitchen.  And to think for the last year I thought she was just being difficult!  With all the extra kibble she has much more energy.  And gas, so I can tell you for sure that dogs do make a sound when they fart it's just an airyer sound.  Also, why do dogs sleep with their butts by our heads?  Is it because they don't like to be fashionably thin?

It's my 4 year bog-iversary!

Here is a link to my first post.  When I started this blog I thought I'd write all about my exciting adventures working at the local paper.  HAHAHAHA!  

OMG

So funny. You have no idea how funny that thought is.  It's such a boring job, and to make things even worse, I adore my editor (who I referred to as B in that first post) so I don't even have any work related whining to do.  

But, man, 4 years of blogging.  Wow. 

hydrants and lunges and squats, oh my!

My butt hurts!  On Wednesday when I trained with Bubbles she told me to do lunges.  Except my lame cheating lunges weren't lunging enough for her so she told me to lung deeper.  I did what she said to do, because once I had that revelation about how every time she said the next torture exercise I would either moan or whine and I decided that I would say more macho stuff like "Hurt me Bubbles!" or positive stuff like "I love squats!" so that I wouldn't be a great big drag for Bubbles to train, I also made the conscious decision to make myself do to the best of my ability what ever it was she was suggesting that I do.  With a smile on my face too!

So I lunged deeply, over and over until Bubbles said that was enough and then later on in the hour she told me to get on all fours and do the hydrant, which turns out to be a kind of butt crunching imitation of a male dog at a hydrant.  Sometimes I just have to close my eyes and pretend that there aren't 25 other people right there seeing me in unflattering exercise positions.  Also, while on all fours Bubbles had me pushing my heel up in the air like I wanted to press on the ceiling and also get into leg lifted on a hydrant position and swing my lower leg out and back in.  Yowza.

Then within a few hours, I began to feel the effects of all the butt toning.  

Everytime I have to sit down, I have to do it slowly  and I tend to cry out " Bubbles!" and I am afraid that people within ear shot are either assuming I am talking to my imaginary friend or I am anguished over just having sat on a teeny tiny person named Bubbles, or worse of all, that I have named my bottom.

I was under the false impression that if your tushy was sore and you used that sore muscle again then it would be less sore.  This is wrong people!  Because since I was so keister tender yesterday I naturally thought that an hour on the really hard elliptical would do me some good.  Contrary to that "use the sore muscle for relief" hypothesis I thought (past tense) was true, I could no longer bend at the waist at all a few hours after the elliptical.   Being one of those "fool me twice shame on me" types, I thought an hour long spin class this morning would do the trick.  Nay nay people!  Watch me grimace with every step I take!  Step. Ouch. Step. Wah! Step. Oooh.  Shame on me!

In other weight loss related news, I am grain free for three days now counting today.  I'm hoping that being grain free is what does the trick for my jelly rolls.  (I am so over them.)  It seems like my thighs are getting way smaller while my waist is maintaining.  How is that fair?  Can't life be fair just where my excess poundage is concerned?  

But back to the thighs.  From where my eyes are positioned on my face my legs are looking pretty darned smoking. I've got some serious muscle happening.  And then, you saw this coming from a mile away admit it, today I was doing sit ups on the exercise ball and facing the mirror.  When I was done I sat up and I saw my legs through the mirror from the opposite vantage point and I wondered if maybe this particular mirror was the kind of mirror that made everything wider and even lumpier.  And then I realized that even if it made my legs look wider that there was no way it was a magical fun house lumpy mirror and I felt temporarily discouraged.  But then I decided to block that unflattering leg view out of my memory, so that's what I am going to do.

What mirror?