Went to see the new new undead therapist today (from now he's the NNUD therapist). I had wanted to talk exclusively about the insanity that is my eating/bingeing these days but last week on my first day back I just told the tale of this summer. Today I did not go in there with a fire under me, but once I opened my mouth I only talked about the whole food thing. I was honest with him, and as weird as it sounds coming from someone who blogs just about everything, I had to force myself to be honest with him about the donuts that I binged on a couple (few) times. Last summer I brought the workers donuts all the time, and never touched one, and this summer I brought them donuts and would end up eating three or four by the end of the day. So I stopped bringing them donuts.
What I really wish for is for the NNUD therapist to put me in a hypnotic trance, and then I never want to go near a bad for me food again in my life. I want to eliminate my desire for the foods that give me cramps, diarrhea, bloating, head aches, oh yeah, and those foods (hello sugar, hello fat) that turn me into a fiend scrambling for my next hit.
Every day I wake up with the idea that this day will be the day I turn a corner, start a detox, eat right. And I haven't made it through a day yet. Yesterday I had to bring all the kids with me to get Josh's tooth filled at the dentist. I sent Matt and Evan over to the store to pick p something I had forgotten to get earlier. I gave them some extra money to buy themselves a snack and Evan came back with a huge chocolate bar. He sat down next to me n the dentist waiting room and started to peel back the wrapper. I stared at that chocolate bar and then, and I kid you not, I almost jumped him for the candy. Instead I stuck my hand out and Evan boke off a piece and dropped it onto my palm. I considered hesitating, but I really just popped it into my mouth and recognizing that I had just "ruined" the whole days efforts and had just opened the proverbial flood gates. On the way home from the dentist I stopped for some home made macaroons. Then I had ice cream, dinner, and more ice cream. Then I had a stomach ache.
So I am going over this ritual of bingeing and then admonishing myself and the NNUD therapist calls me out for being so hard on myself. Unbelievable! What an eye opener! I need to be more understanding and sympathetic to me. I'd never say the things that I tell myself to anyone else, well at least not to anyone I ever wanted to talk to again. Why should I beat myself up? I don't beat anyone else up! t made so much sense when started to talk about it. Also, remembering all that stuff about my inner 7 year old from the psychic I spoke to, I figure little me is probably cowering under a table afraid to move.
I was nicer to me today. Honestly, it felt weird and soft, which is weird since I am soft, just not to myself, until now. New M.O. Something has got to work.
I've heard that accupuncture works well. It helped my sister with smoking. I'm willing to try it for food.
Posted by: apathy lounge | September 17, 2008 at 10:47 AM