So for two nights in a row I tried to go to bed at a normal time, instead of the 2AM bedtime I have worked myself up to. I also happened to have had a few drinks the past two nights in a row. Saturday's drinks were inspired by the stress of seeing grandma and yesterday's drinks were inspired by the part of me that can't f-ing ever say NO to anything no matter how dead tired I am and then I ended up with no less than 5 dinner guests, one of whom slept over. Bottom's up!
I'm hoping it was the alcohol that made me toss and turn from my normal bedtime of 2AM to my normal wake time of 6ish AM because I slept worse the past two nights than I have in weeks. Tonight, I am giving sleep another try, except I haven't consumed anything harder than a seltzer all day. I have high hopes for tonight.
The news about grandma is bad. Remember the slim jim? Gangrene. They offered to amputate her whole leg. Guess who thinks that we should amputate her whole leg! That's right .... scumcle. So, I called the hospice nurse to ask her some pain related questions and I told her that there was a disagreement in the family about whether or not to amputate and she couldn't believe that scumcle wanted to do that to grandma at her age and in her condition. So I felt much less doubt about the decision, because even though I believe down to my core that doping her up and saying goodbye is the right thing to do, I wish more than anything my feelings were echoed by all and I could share in this responsibility. I'm the grim reaper's spokesperson.
Dad says I am being too nice and patient with scumcle on the phone. I just hear scumcle talking himself into these crazy delusional circles and I feel pity for the guy. He is living in some kind of lala land. It seems like a pretty scary place to be. Reality does not appear to exist in scumcle's lala land. And I keep wondering what is ever going to happen to him once grandma is gone and I have no reason to ever need to talk to him again.
Don't concern yourself with what he'll do once you have no reason to ever talk to him again. I'm sure that's not even on his radar. Don't waste energy thinking about him.
I am so sorry about your Grandma. I'm sorry that she is suffering and that you have to watch her suffer. Warm hugs good thoughts and vibes are headed your way. If I knew you outside of the internet I'd offer to take you to a movie or somewhere that you could relax and not think for a couple of hours. I could still do that if you don't think that's creepy of me to offer. All intentions are good I promise!! Lil Sis could come too!!!
Hang in there. It may get darker before it gets lighter but it will get lighter eventually.
Posted by: Laura | August 12, 2008 at 06:22 PM