aftermath

I have about 3 functioning brain synapses right now. One is sorrow, one is despair and the other one is depressed. The wonderful hospice people are still trying to figure out which incredibly addictive pain killer cocktail grandma needs to manage her pain, as of this morning they were upping doses and moving into some more hard core stuff. Morphine isn't enough. I went to see grandma and she was still rocking with the pain. She could barely open her eyes and focus and it was killing me. I couldn't keep it together and ended releasing torrents of silent tears. Just when I thought it couldn't break my heart anymore grandma whispered out "Don't worry. I'm okay. I'm okay." I was flattened that she was, through this incredible pain, concerned about me. I love her. And seeing her suffer was the worst. I am torn right through It didn't seem possible that I had to choose between having to head back to utopia where dad was all alone and staying home to hold grandma's hand. I had to come back here, dad was alone and at least grandma had the staff.

The hospice aide told me that something about grandma brought her to tears. She said she didn't normally get so emotional, but with grandma she often found herself crying. Then the nursing home aide came in to try to coax grandma into taking her medicines and she actually knew grandma from the OFH. She said that she cried when grandma was in pain, and how that was not what a nurse was supposed to do, but that she couldn't help it because she remembered grandma from before. And I was overwhelmed that these ladies were so caring and the three of us stood there all teary eyed and I knew that I had chosen a good place for grandma to be.

And then it wasn't long before I had to go.

Pretty much I wept the entire car ride back up.

Since I was the one driving that wasn't the best move.

Just as I drove past the half way mark I realized that I had left my real camera at home. I was livid with myself. All summer long I have been psyching myself up to do some work even though I do not feel inspired,, my creativity is no where to be found, and I told myself that this week I was going to finally get serious and do some shooting. I was so angry about forgetting the camera that I punched myself And when that didn't hurt enough I did it again and then I actually slapped myself across the face. And probably I could have gone on with more but I suddenly realized that Matt, who was the only kid not watching a video in the car, was watching me and getting frightened. So I went back to simply crying and he gently told me that he didn't think it was about the camera. And he was right.

My face stung for almost an hour afterwards.

Comments

[Chuck Jones]

Hello,

I don't know you and I found your journal a few weeks ago while searching for something else entirely. I have now read most of your posts and this last one really hurts and I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to sort out emotional anguish in front of my own daughter and she's only two.

Good luck to you and your family and I hope that everyone can catch a break in what ever form that takes.

chuck

[Craig]

I'm feeling so bad for you right now, truly. Just like Chuck I found your blog a week ago and subscribed after finding out what you were going through.

The troubles you're facing are similar to the ones i went through not so long ago, and while I managed to get through it I can emphaphise with you and I know how painful this is. It's not nice. It's not easy.

I really hope you get through this, and the rest of your family.

Craig.

[danelle]

I'm thinking of you daily, A.