Still feeling overwhelmed at the realization that I had mentally prepared myself for the worst when I went down to Florida to see my folks and instead of being pleasantly surprised by something or even anything, I pretty much experienced what I had prepared myself for. Even lil sis said to me our last night there that she didn't want to say it but that she didn't think mom was long for this world. I saw it too. I felt it too. It's like the life is just being drained right out of both my parents and they are just sticking their fingers in their ears and screaming LALALALALA and they keep prodding along, because that is what they do, do not let the neighbors know anything is wrong, except mom and dad are getting slower and slower and the distances are getting shorter and shorter. But they put on their best clothes, and slap on a brave smile and they keep pretending like it's not all that bad or scary or breathing down their necks. I dunno know how they do that.
Mom did do something completely out of character though. She thanked me for taking such good care of grandma and then she tearfully thanked me for bringing the kids down to see her.
Went to see grandma today and the news is not good. She seems to have made a big step towards losing her ability to assign the right words to what she means. It broke my heart. She didn't want me to see how frustrated she was getting. But I did. It would have been obvious to anyone. I wish there was something I could do. I look around at the people who are only shells of the people they used to be and I fear grandma is headed in that direction. One of the aides told me that grandma tries to punch her when she has to bath grandma each morning. Also, she said that grandma had slapped the hair dresser lady when she washed grandma's hair. If grandma keeps this up I am going to have to go to battle because I know the nursing home (that I love so much, the people are so gentle and kind there- please don't fuck this up grandma!) will want to sedate her and then she'll be one of those wheel chair recliner veggie people. So after a very nice visit, where I made grandma a photo album of all 6 of grandma's great grand children from our trip, I told grandma she had to be nice and she couldn't hit the aides and grandma was appalled that I would say she ever hit anyone and got mad at me and wouldn't kiss me goodbye because I waved my finger at her and told her "No hitting!" So I kissed her and left because I was late to pick up the kids and I didn't have the time or the energy or the emotional resources to get back on her good side and I figure she won't remember she is mad at me for more than 20 seconds.
When I went to get acupuncture tonight the needle guy after looking at my tongue and my pulses and my astrology charts and how thick my wallet is (kidding on those last two) said something was amiss and it could mean a couple of things one of which was that I was deeply sad. And I was like b-i-n-g-o look no farther.
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