praying

I have been saying the serenity prayer a lot lately. It goes like this:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

When I say it to myself I try to emphasize the accepting of the things that I cannot change part. That wisdom in the fourth line is crucial too. They pretty much go hand in hand. Serenity & wisdom, I am trying. Some days are easier than others.

Grandma is having increasing difficulty keeping up her end of a conversation. She can't remember the names of items (she called an umbrella a fan today) and she says things that come out of the blue and are totally out of context. Today she said something about "following the plan." I asked what plan and she got embarrassed and admitted she was confused.

I made my mom cry. I saw this guy who is dying of cancer on Oprah and he knew exactly how is gong to die and he had plans for every step of the way. I realized that mom and dad should have plans too. Then at least I (or we- whatever) can help them get the kind of end they want. So I called my mom and I tried to be gentle. Except my mom said she had placed all her eggs in the basket of her current chemo and wasn't thinking she was going anywhere soon. And I told her that this is the kind of thing she needs to plan now before she needs it (though in my mind not that far before she needs it) and she tried to say dad wouldn't talk about it and I told her to tell dad she had to do it to get me off of her back and she started to cry and told me that she knew she was in denial. No kidding. Then lil sis told me that I was too harsh with mom and it was only natural for her not to be wanting to go there.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.