The thought that some kid would make fun of me in front of my kids is occasionally in the back of my mind. I used to think about that when Evan was smaller because Evan is so body conscious.
Yesterday evening Josh and I were at the birthday party of a utopian kid friend and it finally happened. Josh came to me in tears and was so upset he couldn't talk. I guessed that he did not want to have to say what happened, and since the kids were all older (and therefor meaner) than Josh my gut knew that my worries had finally come true. So I knelt down in front of Josh and asked him if some kid was calling me fat. And he nodded YES.
I got Josh to point the kid out, found his name, and told Josh to watch what a coward the tough talking kid really was. I got in his face, announced his name and said "I hear you have something to say about me, why don't you try saying it to my face, little boy?" And the kid just stared at the ground. I kept pestering him in that manner until the kid finally looked up and said "I have a problem with you, you're fat." I almost fainted, because at the second I saw the ugly hateful life this kid was doomed to live. He was saved by the crack of the pinata and ran off to gather up some candy. I told the hostess mom what had happened, just so she could hear it from me first and the right way, and she called the kid's mother and send him home.
Then Josh and I sat down and talked about the kind of kid who trash talks someone and where they are coming from and what to do. I told Josh that it didn't bother me, what the kid said, and I hoped that he could find a way to let it slide. I told Josh that I am looking at people and wondering what kind of people they are on the inside and not judging them by how they look. The birthday boy's big brother sat with us and he said all the right things, and I know Josh looks up to him.
The worst part of about this is that my being fat hurt my kid.
Ok here comes my voice of reason. No one is perfect. Some people have one leg longer than the other, other people have strange eyebrows. Some people have two different colored eyes. Some people have a lazy eye (like myself). Some people are fat. (again like me). Some people are very thin and tall and appear to be walking on stilts perhaps.
People are all people and no one is without fault physically or otherwise. We happen to live in a society that promotes perfection and that's a bullshit standard because we're all unique.
But here's the thing...ugly people are ugly because of their behavior and not their appearances. That little boy is being raised to be ugly and last night his ugly was beaming like headlights. I'm glad the party giver sent him home and I imagine that little boy will grow up to have some physical ailment he is picked on. Karma.
As for you...you are an amazing mother who takes the time to show your child how to handle life's unfortunate realities. He will be enriched for this experience even though it's an unfortunate one because his mother cares for him and treats him as such.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. We all have things we struggle with. If not weight, it'd be something else. Many size 5 girls are bent over toilets pucking and damaging their inner organs for perfection. Life is not about what you look like but rather who you are and being a good "who" you are is difficult and far more important and validating. You are a great "who" you are. Your children know this.
*kristy steps down from the soap box*
Posted by: Kristy | June 27, 2008 at 11:43 AM
Wow - I don't think I could have said it better than Kristy. In fact I KNOW I couldn't have.
What gets to me in this post is how you showed Josh how to handle people like that. Most parents would have tried to just say "well the boy is mean, and we ignore mean people". But that attitude solves nothing. You showed Josh how to handle something he feels wronged by. So that he can feel it, sit with it and choose to move on from it. And to me that is fantastic. That is something he can take with him and use in life.
The love your boys have for you is truly wonderful. You know that not all kids feel that way abou their parents, right? That the fact that your kids feel the way that they do about you is a as much a testament to you and your parenting as it is to them and they way they figure out who they want to be.
Keep being you and your kids will keep choosing who they want to be. And they are already fantastic kids. They will grow up to be wonderfull adults.
Posted by: Laura | June 27, 2008 at 02:49 PM