faker voice

I really hate that tomorrow is Mother's Day. I hate Mother's Day. Really want to climb into a cave and miss it.

My mother told me once that the biggest regret she had was that she didn't drop out of college to pursue a career with a big New York PR firm she had gotten a summer job with. She said she thought she would have preferred to have been a career person and lived an exciting life. Those are not comforting words coming from your stay at home mother.

It was at the moment (I was a teenager) those words left my mother's mouth that I knew in my heart that it wasn't that she merely appeared to have no interest in being my mother, but she actually truly did have no interest in being my mother. The cold hard truth was that business suits, high heels, and corporate lunches were things that I could not give her and apparently what she had always desired. Sometimes I wish that we could just stop pretending here, and part ways. Really, I do. Pretending is hard.

Boops, in an email to me, said that even the people who were never parented by their parents grieve when their parents die. I told her that was because they had to let go of the dream that their parents would one day wake up and value being a parent and the child they brought into the world and decide to step up to being a really good parent. My dream is a shriveled black char of fireplace dust right now. One good wind and it's gone forever. Which means that here I sit at 43 years old still tasting that spicy bitter after taste of not having the parents that I needed/wanted/deserved/try to be in my own personal parenting journey. Cancer is going to end that waste of time and energy dream away from me. And it will end it sooner rather than later. There will be much suffering before the end, I imagine, and I will stand tall and do the right thing, like I do, because I try to parent by example. But my heart won't be in it. Because there is no traffic coming the other way down that two way street. You can only love someone you believe loves you back. I live by that.

My kids birthday's are in February, March and April and on all of their birthdays this year I had to call my mother and pretend that it was her calling us and wanting to speak to the kids. In my animated FAKER VOICE I would say "Yes, mom the birthday boy is right here!" and give her an exaggerated moment to figure out which kid I was talking about before handing the kids the receiver. I am not about to get my kids excited about doing anything for her. She sucks. She sucked as my mother. She sucks as a daughter and she she sucks as a grandmother. She sucked when she healthy too, so the cancer doesn't account for anything. Except part of me simply cannot believe that even today as she might be sitting around wondering when her time will be up that she can't manage a phone call, a card, a little gift or anything. If I thought my time was coming to an end soon I would try to be a better person.

Next May when mother's day rolls around I hope to be thinking about me being a mother and not about the mothering I never got from mine.

Comments

[danelle]

That sucks. My mom isn't perfect by any means (hi mom!, she reads here) but she is funny, generous, and incredibly smart.

I have much more regrets about the mother I've been than the way I've been mothered.

[Suzanne]

"Next May when mother's day rolls around I hope to be thinking about me being a mother and not about the mothering I never got from mine." - you always have that choice, you know. You can celebrate the fact that your kids are getting a much better mother because of the lack of mothering you had. Mother's Day doesn't have to suck - it's up to you which Mom you celebrate.

[Kristy]

My mother kicked me out at age 19. I haven’t spoke to her since. Not my choice, she pushed me entirely out of her life. My still living brother and sister live in the same town and are banned from speaking about me. She erased me from the world in essence. This year was the first year I had no feelings about or for her. I am now finally a blank page. I refer to her as my egg donor and people laugh uncomfortably. A bad parent is a horrific thing for anyone to get over. Do what you must to make yourself happy.

The only thing I disagree with is that you cover up her poor behavior with your kids. My son knows the entire truth about my mother and his non-existent grandmother. While some would say it’s noble that you do this, I disagree. The world is full of shitty people and I don’t want to hide that unfortunate fact from my child. Someday your kids will figure it out and perhaps they’ll be glad you did that but wow it will be an abrupt realization of reality for them…perhaps. I say perhaps because only you know what is truly best for your family regarding this topic. Just throwing out my thoughts…since you blogged about it….

I've never lied for my mother...the mere thought of trying to make her look good for my childs sake feels fake to me.

[Marlyn]

I just googled “How to be a good grandmother” and found your blog you seem to be about where I am I didn’t remember my mom sucking as much as I now know she did as children we live and seem to make the best with what we have.
Today I have my own kids and seem to be revisiting way to many childhood pains she pay virtually no attention to my 2 wonderful kids (4 & 6) she asked me if I read it on the internet to tell them that I love them. She recently got a puppy follows it around like it was the end all and be all worries about it’s every move. She came to my daughter 6th birthday party and spent the whole day outside with the dog never playing or talking to the kids once. She doesn’t deserve them, when I see my beautiful son happily run to her wrapping his little arms around her neck and lovingly kissing her I want to pull him away and tell her she is not worthy of his love because she has done NOTHING to earn it.
You and I seem to share allot of the same pains all I can tell you is what I do, be the best mom you know how to be and plan on being an even better grandmother. Mothers day for me isn’t so bad because it’s a day for me as well I am a good mom and I deserve the cards and love that I get from my little ones. I let them spoil and love me because that teaches them to be good people and that’s my job after all.
You mom thinks she would have been happier being a business person she seems like the type that can’t appreciate her blessings. I bet you that if she would have been a business person she would have regretted not being a mother. There is no pleasing the chronic miserable focus on YOUR life YOUR family YOUR happiness she can’t make you happy only you can do that ;o). Good luck in your own personal evolution! I myself am trying to move on and stop trying to get her to see what she has what she is missing. My friend tells me my mom is an apple and I want her to be an orange she’ll never be an orange she’s unfortunately is an apple.