Got home too late to see grandma last night so I went over to the OFH to see her this morning after serving up a belated birthday breakfast for Evan. (On Evan's real birthday, up in utopia where I wasn't cooking at all, I picked all the crunch berries out of a bowl of Cap'n Crunch for Evan because he can't eat the food dye and they didn't have the plain cap'n crunch at the utopian market, but even though I made that special effort it just wasn't the same as an actual home cooked breakfast like I do at home.)
When I got the OFH it was about 11:30 which is lunch time there and grandma was in the dining room waiting for her food but she looked terrible. She kind of looked like a really old homeless lady. I was angry that the aide had dressed her so carelessly. Grandma has a lot of clothes to choose from and it isn't hard to find the stuff that matches. And grandma's face has lost it's sparkle. She looked dull and saggy and puffy. Then grandma didn't really recognize me. And she asked me about three times who I was. She said I looked familiar, but she says that often, it is one of her memory loss covering techniques. I have seen her do it again and again. So I am not sure. I think after about 20 minutes she did know something because she started asking me the same loop of questions she always asks, which is how the boys are and where they are and what they are doing and what day it is. I showed her some pictures off of my iphone to hopefully spark her memory. Then I realized that the aide who dressed her in such a crazy fashion fastened her bra around her chest above her breasts which were flattened beneath the bra and smooshed against her stomach, you know , pointing straight down. So, I felt pushed over the edge just a bit and I went into the nursing office to tear someone a new one. And I let the nurse in charge have it.
Grandma just wanted to go to bed, so after I saw to it that she ate, I took her upstairs and tucked her in.
On my way out of the OFH, I started to cry. And I know grandma is going to have to go to a nursing home now. And the most convenient is the rehab she just got out of , but obviously I can't send her back there because of the horrible care and also because oh yeah, I kind of called Health and Senior services and filed that complaint, cough cough. So, I have to search for a better place this week.
And all the relaxing goodness of my week in utopia was instantly washed away and suddenly my neck hurts again, and my back felt tight and my heart was just clenched up in my chest. So I called lil sis and I told her how incredibly sad I was and how frustrated I am with my parents and the scumcle because someone has grandma's paper work history and I need it to get her some financial help and no one has found it for me, despite numerous pleas on my part, and lil sis got all riled up and said she would make some phone calls to the family on my behalf and I said she didn't have to , because every one knows you do not mess with lil sis, but it was too late and she hung up with me and made those calls. Actually she left messages on answering machines because no one was home, but the scumcle got his answering machine message and replied via email to lil sis (coward) and so, my letter(s) (haha on you nablopomo, I didn't forget!) for the day is the exchange between lil sis and the scumcle.
Dear Lil Sis,
Let me tell you something that you are not going to do again. That is, speak to me like that. Perhaps your sister, your parents, your husband, your in-laws and your friends will accept this from you. Your uncle will not.
Scum
and then lil sis didn't like that email and she emailed the scumcle back
Scumcle,
Obviously I have struck a chord - and I can't say I am sorry for that. I have watched my sister break her back caring for our grandmother - YOUR mother.
I have watched my brother in-law pay an incredible amount of money to make sure our grandmother - YOUR mother has the care she so desperately needed and continues to need.
I stand by my earlier statement that this is very unfair that she has had to ask/beg repeatedly for the proper papers (birth certificate, passport, etc) in order to get our grandmother, YOUR mother the care she now needs - care that is way to expensive for them to afford. Truthfully, I feel that this should never have been their burden to begin with at least not alone.
Our grandmother, YOUR mother is an insanely lucky woman that she has clickmom - she is there to love her, hold her hand, talk to her, help her, bring her to doctors, bring her candy, bring her anything she needs or wants EVERYDAY!! She does all of this while still taking care of her three children and making sure that they are not even the slightest neglected.
There are days that our grandmother, YOUR mother doesn't know who anyone is - except for clickmom because she can feel her love - it is apparent EVERYDAY that she is there to hold her hand. Clickmom is not retired or constantly traveling she is there - there for our grandmother, YOUR mother.
You think for one minute this is easy for Clickmom? She cries everyday watching our grandmother, YOUR mother slowly drifting away from us and reality. And she is doing this mostly alone - except for a few sporadic visits from other family members, myself included.
Clickmom and our grandmother, YOUR mother share an incredible bond - and the one thing that Clickmom was promised from our grandmother, YOUR mother - the ONE thing - you couldn't bear to let her have... why? You have practically all of her treasures - why couldn't you find it in your heart to let the woman who is taking such amazing care of YOUR mother have it? That was the cruelest thing I have seen in a long time.
So dear Uncle - I don't need you to tell me how I can or can not talk to anyone - I am a grown woman and if what I am saying is something you can't bear to hear maybe you should look deeper into that.....
Signed your niece,
Lil Sis
This is why I often lean in and whisper this tid bit of sage advice to my kids "Don't f*ck with Aunt Lil Sis" I wonder if the scumcle will have the balls to respond back.
Yeah! Way to go Lil Sis! I'm so glad that someone has finally stood up for you. You have done so much hard work for your Grandmother that scumle and your parents should be kissing your feet. I hope that email (did it accidenty get forwarded to your parents??:0)kicks him in the rear end and they find the papers that you need.
Posted by: jen - mom of 4 | April 27, 2008 at 10:23 PM
GO lil sis, and clickmom too! Dont think of all this as erasing the goodness of utopia, think of it as the goodness of utopia gave you the strength to do this. It's fuel. Like breakfast..(without the crunchberries)
Posted by: danelle | April 27, 2008 at 10:26 PM
Damn. What is it about family...your uncle would never treat a stranger the way he is treating you and your sister. Go lil Sis!
Posted by: Candy | April 28, 2008 at 02:47 PM