fuh reaky

Dear boys and girls,

Sit down right here and I will tell you the tale of freaky Frank. Be warned, this tale is not for the easily creeped out or the already stalked or paranoid.

Once upon a time there was a regular old family who got lucky and managed to scoop this totally awesome chunk of land (which is actually an island in a lake) called utopia. The family loved utopia and started spending all their summers in utopia. But one unfortunate aspect of utopia was the previous owner did not take very good care of his house. It was a sweet old house with lots of history and a fabulous vibe, but it also had toxic mold and was structurally unstable after all the years of neglect, so it had to come down. And down it went in November 2006.

But before the house came down the family got a call from a "neighbor", which seems hard to have when you have an island, but this "neighbor" lived close to the causeway that attached the island to the main road. His name was Frank. And the neighbor Frank asked the family if he could have the shutters from the old fabulous vibe house, and the family was happy to give Frank the shutters because they were happy to know that the sweet old house would live on in bits and pieces somewhere nearby. And then Frank asked for the paneling. And the family said ..."Uh, sure"

And then someone gave Frank the phone number of the family and he started calling them in their regular old home. And Frank started talking about documenting the construction and how the family might want his photos. And Frank even called himself a photographer and when the family mom said she was a photographer too, Frank got freakier and when the family mom asked freaky Frank what else he photographed besides her house he said "Nothing". And the family got officially creeped out. The mom asked him to please not go onto their property as she could not guarantee his safety during the construction. And the kids were told to run away if they ever saw a guy with a camera coming down the causeway.

So the family asked freaky Frank not to go on their property and the family went around posting "No Trespassing" signs that they bought at the hardware store on all their trees. But the freak didn't listen, only he was sneaky and he was watching the construction guys so freaky Frank knew when no one was at the house and that is when he snuck over and took pictures. He also circled the house in his boat and took pictures from the water and he also took pictures from different places on the shore. But it was freaky Frank's little secret. And then the family went back to Utopia even though the new house wasn't finished. And the family rented a nice old guy's (with horrific housekeeping abilities) place because he was broken hearted and didn't think he wanted to be in such a happy place when he felt so sad. See the old guy's girlfriend of 7 years dumped him.

And after another blissful utopian summer in a rental, freaky Frank stopped the family mom one day and whipped out a photo album. The freak said he thought the family might want it. And the mom grabbed some garlic and a cross and waved her arms frantically while she backed into her car and managed to call out a friendly "Thanks" as she peeled away for the safety of her kids. Once safely in the nice old guy's place the mom locked all the doors and windows and opened the photo album. Guess what she saw! There were photos of the family's house from after they bought it and before they got furniture. From the inside. The freak had been in the house. gulp. There were photos of the demolition of the old house and the raising of the new house. Each photo was dated and captioned. And the mom got all goose bumpy and went directly to (her neighbor who usually looks out for them) the sentry and asked what the deal was with freaky Frank and the sentry advised the family mom to stay away, far far away from F. Frank because of his eccentricities (which the family mom suspects just might be related to a border line IQ, but I'm not a pro, so draw your own conclusion)

It was a very quiet winter as far as freaky Frank was concerned. Which was a good thing because the family had their plate full of older family members with health issues.

Spring rolled around and all the little birdies returned to their summer homes. Even the cuckoos.

"Oh fuck" the mom was heard saying "freaky Frank is flouncing around our flora again and now it's more than photos, it's the phone!"

Can you believe it? We can't either!

The family mom's cell phone rang and she answered because she recognized the utopian area code and it ended up being freaky Frank. Are you wondering how freaky got the mom's cell phone number? Well, since all the old people in the family's family are sick and dying the answering machine says something like (we don't call ourselves very often) "If this is a doctor, hospital or emergency please call this cell number..." And freaky Frank decided he was as important as a docotor hospital or other medical emergency!

It was so horrible to hear the freakster's voice the mom almost had to swerve into a tree and end it all!. Except she couldn't because then who would make dinner? Are the crazy people of the world ever going to leave her alone? It's a proven fact, the mom attracts the crazy like shit attracts the flies. I know, I know, obviously the freakster is a fly and that makes the mom the shit. Let's not dwell on that. The mom doesn't think a crazy person break is ever going to come her way. So the mom, who did not want to talk to freaky Frank said in her firmest of firm voices "(freaky) Frank, I can't talk right now because I am driving so I'll have to call you later."

Then it was later and the mom made the dad be on the phone at the same time when she called freaky Frank back. Except he wasn't home. So the mom left a short message and vowed to not pick up the phone without consulting the (freak) caller ID. Which is precisely what she should have done but forgot to do an hour later when the phone rang and it was the freak himself. The freak wanted to know if the family was going to be in utopia because, he said, fishing season had begun and something about low water levels and he wanted to sit on the rock at one edge of the family property. And the mom said he could not. And the mom told freaky Frank that no one is allowed on their property because it is still technically a construction site and the contractor will not be liable for trespassers. And the mom told the freak to please stay off the property and the freak said "What about my photos?"

And now the family mom has a new saying. When ever something does not make sense, the family mom is going to say "what about my photos?" until the family has her committed. But the mom figures it is only a matter of time before the freakster ends up in the looney bin too, so she already packed his photo album of her house so they can while away the hours chatting about the good 'ol days.

And now boys and girls, a question for you. What is the moral of this story?

Comments

[danelle]

Wow that was totally fuh reaky. What are you going to do? The creepiest part was the photos from inside the house. This is turning into some "Arlington Road/Disturbia" thing.

[Laura]

Um is the moral don't give someone you don't know the shutters from the house you're tearing down?

Can you call the police about this? Are there police in Utopia? He sounds... unstable.

[Candy]

The moral?

Um...

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer?

Yeah I totally don't know. Moral = move.