oral lube

Not that I am counting, but it has been 3 weeks and 3 days since I gave up all things dairy-licious. (Chheeeeeese, cheeeese, how I miss you cheeees!) Some people (my mother) who don't actually believe that I went to a real doctor (as opposed to some alternative incense burning snake oil salesman) and that the real doctor did a real test (as opposed to tarot cards, psychic vibes or the voodoo kinesiology tests the chiro does) to actually accurately diagnose (as opposed to looking into a crystal ball, reading tea leaves and making shit up) my real (as opposed to my hypochondriacally imagined) dairy allergy keep asking me if I feel better. Which is very frustrating, as I do not. feel. better. Maybe I even feel a little worse. Except some people (mom) are somewhat impatient about me having something to complain about and even I may have possibly began to wonder what is up with the not recovering my zest for living after all of this deprivation. (CheeEEEeese!) .

Last night, because I need shit like this to happen to me, before I went to bed I noticed uncharacteristically vile breath coming out of myself. So, I thoroughly brushed my entire oral orifice and went to bed quite satisfied that I would wake up 8 hours later and still be minty fresh. But it was not to be. I woke up practically gagging on the scent of my pie hole and ran back to the bathroom for more toothbrush action. I brushed and brushed and brushed. I felt like I couldn't brush the nastiness out. I spied some scope, grabbed it, swigged, and swooshed. and swooshed. and swooshed. Until the burning made my eyes water and when I spit it out the scope and sewage that is my current state of mouth and my stinky mouth juice had turned the green scope blackish gray.

blackish gray

scope

out of my mouth

as in

WTFFFFF????

So I ran to the chiro for his special kind of snake oil magic and asked him what the heck was going on with my oral lubrication? Oh, yeah, and I have the farts like you wouldn't believe. The chiro waved his magic vials of answers around me and declared me suffering from a massive yeast die off. And I was all like, wait a minute, that's a good thing! Yeast is dying in me and that is good! Dairy loving yeasts that have been my over stayed their welcome unwanted gastrointestinal guests are dying off so fast that they are stinking me up. I practically floated out of the office because finally some good news! I finally did something right!

So if I see you on the street and I happen to say "Hhhhello, hhhhow are hhhhue?" I am totally testing you to see if you will call me out for the stinking breath and then I am going to tell you how thrilled I am to hhhhhaaaave it.

Comments

[Laura]

Good for you! I would carry altoids though. Or can you not have those? They're not dairy but they do have sugar. hmmm... Well congrats on killing the yeast!!!

[danelle]

The scope rinse mental picture just ruined my appetite, and I was going to go have some cheese! lol