Went on a little photo excursion to a highway scenic overlook with my editor tonight. We made the gay guys in search of action pretty uncomfortable at the highway scenic overlook, but they just moved their vehicles to the other end of the scenic overlook while us two middle aged (*gasp*) fat ladies stood there snapping away at the pretty scenery on the end with the better view of the sunset. I know (knew) these things happened but was embarrassingly surprised to see that people are still doing stuff like this in places like that. When I still lived in Manhattan I used to take my dogs for early morning walks with out their leashes on in Central Park. One day my big scary looking black shepherd dog ran into the reeds by the lake and scared quite a few young gay men who were right in the middle of something I try not to think about happening in what I imagine to be fun family oriented recreational areas like Central Park. Seriously guys. Just seriously. Get a room.
Anyway, I had my little melt down last night (farewell 2007! sniff sniff) and finally realized that I had been handling my stressful life in tiny little day to day-hour to hour-appointment to assignment-meal to meal segments and that this ability to only see a few hours into the future was what was helping me through these difficult times. Last night reflecting on the enormity of a whole 366 days (leap year) of future before me was no better than drowning in quick sand. When I imagine myself a year from now I may very well have had to bury a relative or even two. And who even knows what the next year holds for the kids. This year seems to good to ever be duplicated. There will be more new teachers, Evan (my baby!) will be in Middle School, Matt will be more of a man, Josh less of a baby and Evan .. who knows. I'm not stupid enough to ever guess what he has in store for me. When it comes to Evan I am just crossing my fingers and saying a prayer. I'll still find it rough to be around the SIL and BIl and still surely have much guilt about that. Lil sis's kids will continue to grow up without much of me in their lives too, not because I choose to have it that way but because of living 3 hours away is like living on a different planet when she and I are both being pulled in 18 different directions on any given day and never do those directions meet.
Will I be fit in 208? Will I shed this other person worth of weight I am lugging around in 2008? (Hey, my new theme LOSE THE WEIGHT IN 20008!) Will I rediscover my creative self in 2008? Will I be a better parent in 2008? Will I hold it together through all the messy life sucks trauma of 2008? I dunno the answers to those questions. Hopefully all my resolutions will hold true. Hopefully I'll conquer all my demons. But maybe not. Hey I'm only human. I might end up still fat a year from now, I may not have a big glorious portfolio of work to show you, and my kids might still watch too much tv and eat too much crap, but what ever ends up happening I'll have to tell myself that I gave it my best (because maybe I just didn't have that much to give in 2008). Or maybe I do.
"Will I be fit in 208? (Hey, my new theme LOSE THE WEIGHT IN 20008!)"
My advice is to lay off the gin in 2008..I'm just sayin'.
Posted by: danelle | January 02, 2008 at 12:06 AM