Energy come home. I miss you.

With all this stress in my life I have the overwhelming desire to sleep. Seriously, at any given moment I could literally fall fast asleep. I even think about sleeping on the eliptical. I look around at my cluttered chaotic home and I wonder if it would be a good time for a quick little doze. I drive into the parking lot 12 minutes before I need to be somewhere and think "12 minutes would make a nice little nap-etizer." My alarm goes off in the morning and the only thought that gets me out of bed is the one that goes like "I should be able to close my eyes for 40 whole minutes before picking up the kids this afternoon!"

But the truth is I never really do get that time to nap. All day long one activity seems to blend into the next one, and by the time evening rolls around I am unable to move my limbs enough to do all the housekeeping that needs to be done, I can't fall asleep for fear that I wil wake up refreshed at 4 AM (hahaha) and I don't care one bit about the mess or the unfolded laundry or the holiday cards that have yet to be sent. Usually I end up sitting at the computer trolling around my favorite blogs hoping someone will make me laugh hard enough to forget for a few seconds until I can drag the unwilling kids into their own beds and then I can finally collapse into my own bed for another 7 hour reprive of my life troubles.

And other people's troubles are seeming pretty trivial to me right now. I know, I know, harsh. I'm so harsh. I realize that this admission is likely to alienate a person or two, but with all that is going on here, as long you and your kids are healthy, your problems pale. At least according to me. Because sick kids is the only thing I can think of that might be worse than this. There might be others. I'm not in those shoes. Because I know you can never know until you are walking in these shoes, and I wouldn't wish these shoes on anyone, you have no idea how tricky it is to walk in three shoes at a time.

So I try not to talk too much to the people who can't possibly understand, unless I am feeling mischeivious, like I was today when the landscaper called about wrapping my hydrangeas and made the crucial mistake of asking how my family was and I cheerfully told him every painful detail in a chatty lilty kind of way, even though I could hear him squirming through the phone lines, before I politely set him free. It actually gave me some kind of sick sadistic satisfaction.

And when it comes to the people I talk to all the all the time, I just don't feel like burdening them. I guess it would be different if there was something they could do, but there isn't. That's what makes this so hard. There is nothing anyone can really do.

My point is (oh yeah, point) that I am dreadfully unbelievably tired. So tired I can barely move. So tired I want to wear pajamas all day long. In bed. Under the covers. For as many days as it takes. Until it's safe to come out again. So tired.

Comments

[danelle]

I'm the same way except I actually do take 12 and 40 minute naps when I can.

I wrote something kinda funny today. Maybe you will giggle.

[Jenny]

Oh baby, do I hear you. I wake up every day wanted to tell everyone else to fuck off I am staying under the covers today, leave me alone. Maybe I will stay there for four days.
Its called The Winter Blues. Its also called Being a Caregiver Personality Surrounded by People Who are Takers. It gets under your skin after a while.