Grandma has been having trouble lately. The OFH doc (who I believe needs an attitude adjustment) attributed grandma's ever worsening pain to hemorrhoids. I saw grandma in the bathroom and being somewhat familiar with the roid myself (three kids remember?), decided that grandma's pain was above and beyond a simple matter of even a bad case of the roids. So I went and made an appointment with the butt doc that I know because there was a time when I ate some sunflower seeds and got too lazy to spit out the shells few times and ended up with a big scratched bleeding intestine which brought me to the butt doc. And once you (or is it I?) go to the butt doc they believe you need to come back every so often and have these snaking camera check ups, especially if you are of Eastern European Jewish decent, because apparently my people are prone to cancer of the colon. So, let's just leave it at ... I know the butt the doc and he sure as heck knows me. He was so happy to see me today he gave me a big kiss on the cheek (Face cheek! You pervs!)
I told him what I had observed with grandma and what I was fearful of and he began the exam.
I get grandma over to the funky butt raising exam table and what I have known all along and slightly feared comes true. I am going to have to be in the exam room with grandma. While her butt is examined. At first I get to stand by her head and I am happy about that. I whisper soothing things into her hearing aids. (Like, "Cut the screaming already! Grow a pair and take it like a man!" Kidding!) Mostly I lied and said "Almost over, you're doing great, don't forget to breathe, yadayada...."
The good kind butt doctor must have been teaching this morning because he began explaining everything that was going on and what he was thinking and worse, what he was doing. Now, around the house, I have taken to covering my ears and shouting TOO MUCH INFORMATION with my parents, (because OMG it's all body functions all the time around here!) but thought better of that technique with Dr. Butt. I just swallowed hard and listened. I kept the crying on the inside.
Then Dr. Butt goes, come around here I want to show you something. I said "me?" like maybe there was an invisible person standing right beside me that he wanted show grandma's butt to, and he seriously waved me over so I left my post up in the very safe area of grandma's head and went around to her posterior, reluctantly. It wasn't as scary as I feared. Then I let him point things out to me. Without fainting. It was a proud moment. The deal was grandma did indeed have a single hemmie, but it was not the kind of hemmie that would make a girl sweat and scream in pain.
Dr. Butt had another suspicion and he asked grandma to sit on the can and bear down for him. Then he had me and the nurse lift her part way up while he looked at her bottom with a butt doc light up mirror. He happily announced that his suspicions had been proven and asked me to look in the mirror. I couldn't see from where I was so Doc Butt excitedly pleaded with me to switch places with the nurse. He really wanted me to see this. Doc Butt seemed so happy about what he was seeing in the mirror that I was kind of thinking it might be a clown or maybe a magician or even a tap dancer. What a surprise I was in for. The dancing bear that was my first choice, was not performing on grandma's butt. Instead, there was something quite un-butt-like going on down there. I'll give it to you in two words.
Rectal Prolapse.
Here is the very tame line drawing version and here is the link that might make you want to gouge your eyes out too. Because now I can't shake the sight of what I saw. It was possibly the most frightening single sight I have ever had the heart stopping displeasure to experience.
The super bad news is that there is only one solution. Surgery. Which (a-duh!) they can't do on grandma. There is a less cut and dry solution which is a temporary kind of not very intrusive surgery, much more minor, Doc Butt says grandma could have it done, but there is a draw back. Possible serious permanent constipation.
What to do people, what to do. I have no idea what to do.