speechless

There are just somethings in the too much information category you never want to know about family members no matter what. Unfortunately, the scumcle didn’t recognize that bit of social grace when one day he casually mentioned to me that he believed that grandma didn’t put out for grandpa and that grandpa had to pay for that kind service elsewhere. See? You didn’t want to know that either did you?

I believe the scumcle might be correct in his assumptions because one day, back when grandma’s memory was still intact, grandma told me that when she and grandpa decided to try for kids she would only let him touch her once a month and then she would convince him to wait and see if they had been successful. Poor grandpa.

But this really doesn’t jive with the grandma I know. The grandma I know is very touchy and affectionate. As a matter of fact there are times when it is about all I do not to yell at grandma for caressing one particular spot on my arm until I suspect the skin will be worn right down to the bone. Grandma also likes to caress my thigh, a wee bit too high and too much on the inside for comfort, and lunge down for creepy unsuspected geezer kisses on the back of the kid’s necks. Also she has lately started grabbing people’s behinds and breasts. Except she doesn’t save this endearing behavior just for the family, no grandma is an equal opportunity grabber, and if you make eye contact with her pretty much you are a sitting duck for some kind of arthritic claw squeeze somewhere/anywhere on your person. At first the kind staff at the Old Folks Home fell prey to her lecherous ways, then as she became more comfortable there she started in on her peers. I heard that some of the geezers went to the staff feeling maybe (completely) a bit (molested) sexually harassed by grandma. Grandma needs to learn to respect other people’s spaces. I am afraid she might be the first geezer in the history of assisted living to be voted off the OFH.

In the mean time, grandma (with all that sex on her mind) manages to work sex into everything I say (well, at least what of it she hears) during our visits. Much of the time she works it into something that can be insulting towards my dad, who she is still all hung up about because he is much older than mom. (20 years to be exact) A while ago she joked that dad must have a little man part. (I know, I know) and the other day when I was out with grandma and mom and mom was worn out and needed to go home and I couldn’t mention mom’s illness to grandma because we haven’t told her (to protect her, it would kill her to know) I said we were taking mom home because dad was home alone. I said “You know those men, they don’t do well on their own.” To which grandma replied “Yeah, I know. It’s a lot 'funner' doing it on top of her than it is doing it on his own.”

Comments

[dink(y)]

Haaaa!

I'm sorry, it's funny only because it's not my family.