life and death are both not fair

Mom had her chemo on Wednesday. She felt like crap on Thursday. She kept to together for a while because I brought grandma home for dinner, but mom couldn't bear to sit with the food so she went to bed. I heard the alarm bells. We ate efficiently and I quickly brought grandma back to the OFH. I came back and checked on mom. She didn't look so good. I was concerned. So I kept checking on her.

By 9 o'clock she was violently puking up bile and beginning to get short of breath. We tried to take her blood pressure and it was so high that the machine was error-ing it and wouldn't give a reading. Mom took her high blood pressure medication. Dad claimed the machine was broken. We took the blood pressure of everyone in the family. The machine was fine. I wanted to phone the doctor. Dad argued that these were all typical side effects of the chemo. I wanted to hear it from the doctor. Dad thought I was being ridiculous. I could tell it was worse than mom was letting on. She is my mom, she is cool under pressure. Dad and I argued again. I took dad's phone book, called the doctor and had mom speak to the service. When the doctor didn't call back fast enough I decided to make the trek to the ER. Dad and I argued about this too. I told mom we were going and asked her if she wanted to go in her clothes or her bathrobe. She got right up and went for her clothes and I knew she thought she should go too because she didn't hesitate.

I helped mom into the front seat of my truck, dad got into the back and I drove off into the night. There was no one on the road and I had turned off the radio so I could hear my mom's labored breathing as we made our way to the ER. There was nothing to hear except the hum of the car and mom. It was a freaky scary feeling. I went through about 4 red lights just hoping a cop would see so he could speed us to the hospital faster. They are never there when you really need them.

When we escorted mom into the ER dad told the guard that mom had had chemo and that her blood pressure was through the roof. Mom said she couldn't breathe and they took her into triage right away. The triage nurse put the cuff on mom and got her name into the computer before mom's blood pressure registered. The nurse took one look at mom's pressure (239/67) and called for a wheelchair. Less than a minute later mom was being hooked up to oxygen in the ER and they were setting up the IV. They got her all monitored took a few vials of blood and disappeared. The only thing was they left mom lying on her back and as the minutes ticked on her heart rate slowly increased and her oxygen levels started going down. I kept calling the nurse and she would just increase the amount of oxygen and tell us not to worry. Mom couldn't stop panting. Mom got worse and worse and finally, just as I was about to run screaming in the halls doing my best impression of Shirley Maclaine trying to get pain meds for Debra WInger mom asked me to help her sit up. I helped her up and because I didn't know how to sit the bed up I had my hand firmly pressing against her back when I felt a big wet gurgling shift in her back. I looked at where I was touching her and thought "lungs. pneumonia. shit. " Then the doctor came in and asked something about congestive heart failure. They took an x-ray which showed fluid in mom's lungs. Which could be from the chemo. Or maybe something else. And they started giving her all kinds of medications to get rid of the fluids. Sitting up seemed to be enough help and mom's heart rate gradually returned to normal.

They did tests all night long, and yesterday too, and this is what the cardiologist told me today. Mom had heart failure. Heart failure makes your lungs fill with fluid. There was already bacteria in there brewing the pneumonia, and the fluid gave the bacteria an easy way to flourish. Mom had all the heart work ups and her heart is in even worse shape than I had thought. Also, the cardiologist couldn't believe mom is taking one of the chemos that she is taking. I mentioned this to dad and got the impression that they made the decision to go ahead with the chemo knowing all the dangers. It's dangerous.

Also, mom is still heaving. They put lunch in front of her today and she turned green. Then she heaved again. They think she has some kind of complication from the surgery in July that has caused a blockage somewhere on her digestive tract. They sent her for a full range of abdominal x-rays today. Her lower left region is swollen and I wonder of that is where your appendix goes. She still has an appendix. Or maybe it is a hundred things that I haven't even heard of.

I spoke to mom just now and she said that another doctor, one she hadn't seen previously, came in and said they didn't know anything for sure. They didn't know if it was pneumonia for sure, if it was heart failure for sure or even if they would ever know what is going on with her. Then the guy left as fast he came. I am imagining the Mad Hatter running around the hospital.

I just don't know anything for sure either right now. Will mom make it past this hurdle? I don't know. Am I going to have a mom? I don't know. Are my kids going to have a grandmother? I don't know. Will dad have a wife? I don't know.

What should I do? I don't know.

Comments

[Kathy]

I have no words to help. Just please know I am/we are here for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry.

[Jen - Mom of 4]

I just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with your family. I am so sorry that your Mom and family are going thru this. Hugs and best wishes.

[Jenny]

The only thing doctors ever know for sure is that they don't know. And they leave as fast as they came because God help them if someone asks a coherent question they can't answer. Doctors make me crazy.
But I'm so glad you got her to the ER. Men never want to go the ER, its a gene they have, like asking for directions. :)
Lastly, my grandfather has lived with congestive heartfailure for years. It sounds like something that will kill you immediately, you know, the whole failure part, but really its a chronic condition that can be managed if everyone's paying close attention to it.

[Momish]

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this scare. I wish I had some magical words of encouragement, but all I can say is I am thinking of you and wishing your mom all the best. I think you are doing the right thing by being supportive and trusting your instincts.