I had a melt down this morning. I guess it was about time.
I have been avoiding talking too much about my mom in public because I don't have the energy to cry in public. It would attract too much attention, and I just don't want to have to talk about this every time I turn around. Then this morning, I was on the phone with mom (who might get out of the hospital today) and mom mentioned that she had not spoken to her best friend (you know the kind they refer to as "aunt" when you are little and it gets you confused you know that you aren't actually related) for a whole week and the friend didn't even know that mom was in the hospital. I volunteered to give the friend a call and fill her in.
Well, the second mom's friend said "Hello" I started to bawl. I could barely even get my name out so she could know who was sobbing on the other end of the line. I managed to choke the story out and got off of the phone. Then, believing I was alone in the house, I broke down and sobbed some kind of primal cry that I didn't even know was in me. I ended up slumped over on the kitchen floor, with the devil dog licking my face, just crying, screaming, yelling my eyes out. Then it occurred to me that it was only 9;30 in the morning and dad was still in bed. But he most likely didn't have his hearing aids in and I wasn't sure how much if any he had already caught. I grabbed some paper towels and muffled my despair into the towels until I stopped. Then I pulled myself back up towards the kitchen counter and finished frying the onions for tonight's dinner, which seemed like such a mundane thing to do. I mean, I ask myself "Do I really need to make dinner when my mom has cancer?" and I wonder how much of what is ordinary I should hold on to and where I should slide.
I thought maybe should sit on the couch and watch some television, but I don't actually like television much, especially during the day and OMG those women on view are gushing over Gloria Estefan and now I am thinking that I do need to keep doing everything I would normally do just so I don't feel like I am required to relax in front of the television. As far as I am concerned day time television might lead to the down fall of western society. Tomorrow I am forcing myself to go back into the gym, and just so I can't bag it at the last second I emailed Bubbles and arranged to meet her there. I wonder if there is anything in me to use at the gym, but I figure at least I can walk on a treadmill or something. If I am moving at least I am not at home eating, which I have been doing a lot of lately. And that is another behavior I just do not understand, just how does it make sense for me to dive into a pint of ice cream when my mom isn't well. I don't feel good after, mom doesn't want to see me explode, and I get nothing from eating the sweets except a stomach ache. So, why do I go back to the sweets every single time? It isn't working for me, I should get that into my head.
And one more day time television thing... FRUITY CHEERIOS????? It's official, it's over, we're all brain dead any moment now.
Also, OJ. I just cannot tell you how disgusted I am to see that killer's face on my television. His poor kids. tsk tsk tsk.
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