home again, home again, jiggety jig

Hello internet.

I am back home from utopia.

I thought I was keeping it all together, but on my out of the utopian driveway I couldn't find the phone charger (which had innocently slid down the crevice beside my seat) and I burst into tears crying and sobbing and shouting "It's not fair! I can't deal with this!". Luckily, I was alone (without kids) at the time, and the devil dog isn't at all phased my nervous tension/PMS/generally psycho outbursts. I tell you about this mini episode because it speaks to my overall state of mind, which can best be described with terms like "fragile" "on the edge" or maybe even "gone to the other side".

Speaking of which, I truly appreciate your past supportive comments. Being the approval/comment whore I have previously confessed to being, I do get a lot of strength and comfort from complete strangers sending good thoughts and concern my way. So, thanks.

Being home is weird because I feel misplaced here ... at "home". My folks, who have been here since early July, are still here, which doesn't help. They watch a lot of tv. The tv is in my primary living area. It is always on, it is always too loud (I know I have mentioned that before) nothing me or the kids would choose, the folks are always nearby. The fridge is full of their stuff. It's stuff I'd never buy for my kids. Coloring and chemicals and crap like that. I thought my mom might be affected by her cancer and come over to my natural eating side, but I was wrong. They insisted on doing the dishes last night. In my kitchen. As in, in my ("my" being the word which exudes the "control freak" undertones) kitchen, where I like things just so, and I have my own special way of organizing the dishwasher. Also, I wanted to veg out last night with some not child friendly or elderly parent friendly television, and Dad decided to stay up as long as I was up and keep me company. So he watched last week's episode of Weeds with me. And there is nothing like watching something with lots of graphic sex, violence and drug undertones while sitting beside Daddy. Also, the show has made me nostalgic for my pot smoking college days and it's even more upsetting to think things like "What I wouldn't give to get high, pig out, and go wander the aisles of the five and dime with Pal right now." (yeah, those were the days) while sitting right beside daddy.

My plans for the day include walking Devil dog, who is surely as depressed as I am about being "home" since if she has even the smallest of pea brain, she should realize that we have just returned to the place where she is pretty much ignored all the time and never gets to go anywhere. I figured I'd ease her into neglect and walk her around the block this morning. Then after a shower and some breakfast it is off to the OFH where I plan on doing battle with the new nurse who (I think I hate) spent the summer being overly attentive to grandma in what I assume is a move to either get her out of there and into a nursing home or make us get her a personal aide to keep grandma from wandering away. And then the most important chore of the day will be replacing Josh's summer sneakers. I let him wear them sockless all summer and now they are not allowed in the house or in any confined areas for that matter. It is a matter of dire importance.

I suppose I'll motion myself through a labor day bbq tonight, and I might even tell the story of one of my own personal labors, because hey, a delivery labor is worth at least a few years of wussy career related laboring. Boops and her kids have been invited over, and I'll phone and invite a friend of Josh's in a little while when it becomes a more respectable time to call someone.

And thus, another summer is over, and another fall begins. The kids go back to school on Thursday. I am hoping they can wear their shorts for another few weeks at least as there has been no back to school shopping for this family yet.

Comments

[Laura]

kudos to you for taking time for yourself. And watching what you want to even if dad insists on keeping you company when you clearly want to be alone.

Why don't you like tghe overly attentive nurse? Could she be doing that just because she likes grandma not for an alterior motive?