fat again

I have been meaning to post about my weight for the longest time, but first it was so hard to admit that I had gained 20 of the 50 lost pounds back, and then it was 25 and then 30 and then 40 and now I have officially gained 43 of the lost 50 pounds back. (I was going to write 42, but decided to be honest) I realize that there has been a combination of stress and pity eating going on here with me for the past year. Suddenly, last spring, I was feeling all sorry for myself that I couldn't eat wheat, and then last summer rye started to give me the nasty symptoms, then I had the mysterious headache and nausea all summer and fall (and who, I would like to know, besides me can gain 2 pounds a week for months solid when constantly nauseous?) then school started and I had to pretend that having a mere hour and a half a day between dropping off kids and picking up kids wasn't going to do me in, and then I was recognizably sick with that intestinal thing and had to do all those tests for a month before finding out what it was and I found out that there were even more foods I couldn't eat like tea, tomatoes, strawberries and corn (and a dozen or so others that are less worth mentioning) and all the pity eating I was doing took itself to even higher heights. Cause ice cream wasn't on that list of taboo foods! Then, as if I needed more stress, someone had to do something about grandma and I decided to step in and be the responsible party. I knew taking care of grandma was going to be a lot of work, but what I hadn't planned on was how the resentment of of mommy dearest and the scum-cle was going to claw at me. And now, at the end of it all, I stand here, almost as heavy as I was when I turned 40 (and thought I could possibly die any minute from all the extra weight) and I can't see any let up in the amount of stress in my life coming, since grandma isn't going anywhere, mom and dad might both be sick with cancer, our even because home in utopia won't be finished being rebuilt by this summer, and right now every time I look in the mirror I want to be able to slap some sense (as in sensible eating) into myself.

All this good for nothingness in addition to the internet not being the same place of comfort and sharing it used to be for me. After last January's linking disaster (which I am not linking to, you can call it post-linking-stress disorder) I just haven't felt the friendliness and sense of community I thought was here. And I gotta tell you that probably the ugliest part of the whole incident, even uglier to me than the angry folks on that other web site telling me to perform sexual acts upon them, was when three of the internet's big time bloggers, all of whom I had been reading and commenting to, and feeling some connection with, for a couple of years, all decided to hop onto my site at the same time and comment. Normally I would have fallen on the floor from the excitement of seeing Melissa, Mrs. Kennedy and Alice (no links!!) all commenting on my blog, but to me it felt like some movie scene in which the cool-girl cheerleaders corner the clueless girl who dared to dream she could fit in and cruelly smashed/dashed her dreams. I had been cyber-bullied when I thought I was (or could be) one of them (as in:popular bog writers) and it felt horrible. Not that cool was what I was going for, what I wanted (and still do want) is some recognition as a writer. I enjoy writing so much. After the incident I thought about not blogging, I felt like everything I wrote for a while I had to force a bit, but then I reminded myself that the blog isn't for anyone I don't know, it's for my own enjoyment and maybe one day for my kids to get a glimpse of who I was and what I valued (you guys! I valued you, my children, more than anything!) and made the decision to keep at it, with very careful and limited linking. Also, I don't comment on other blogs nearly as much as I used to (and certainly not on those three), and that used to be fun for me. sigh. Is this why I haven't posted about my weight? Have I not posted because the internet turned on me? Not likely. I can't even fool myself into thinking it is, because really, why I haven't said anything is because I am disappointed in myself and also embarrassed. But I did imagine that there was some unconditional internet love fest that wasn't really there.

But, back to food, here is the very stupid thing that I can't get my mind around. I can't seem to wrap my mind around what a little amount of food people actually need to maintain a healthy weight. I weigh as much as two people because I eat enough for three people. Really, I do, I know that I do. Seriously, there is nothing wrong with my metabolism. I eat like I'm never going to see food again. And I do that every day. I'm great fun at parties, I never hold back. This past week two drug store magazines had articles on people who lost a ton of weight. They all did it the old fashioned way through diet and exercise. Both magazines had little boxes with what these weight problem conquering people ate each day and they ate hardly anything. They ate in an entire day what I manage to snack on between my three generous meals. And I notice my friends eating too. They leave things over on their plates. That is foreign to me. And they don't eat ice cream every day. And if they do, they aren't eating the whole pint. So, in this overwhelming time here, where I could literally eat 24/7, and I am pretty sure I would do it in lieu if actually literally really falling apart, I am trying to grasp and internalize the reality of my relationship with food and see my eating for what it really is, which is pretty much a crutch for every emotion I am capable of feeling. Happy? Eat! Anxious? Eat! Angry? Eat! Stressed? Eat some more! and the same goes for everything else. Since I am not going to have the smooth sailing summer I was anticipating to get myself together during then I am going to have to do it while everything is falling apart around me. Really, I don't feel like I have a choice. I have to deal with this issue. I have to deal with it now. I am tired of this issue infringing on the rest of my life.

Here I am, 50 pounds down, 43 pounds up, in the physically strongest shape of my life. I can run 3 miles, bike as far as I want, pump iron, and do endless sit ups, and yet, I am close to my heaviest weight ever. I can't pretend that being as strong as I am is going to protect me from all the obesity related diseases forever. Eventually it is going to catch up with me, and I'd like to put the weight behind me before that happens. I want to be healthy. I don't want to be sick. I have got to find a way to cope with what ever comes my way without reaching for the fridge. And if anyone is reading or not, I am going to try to work these things out in writing, because keeping quiet didn't do anything for me, so this time I am going to try being honest even if I am not having a good day.

Comments

[Jodie]

How did you get in my mind with the whole eating thing? I know I'm not one of the "popular" bloggers but I still love reading your blog. You are more real then most. So heres to sending a little love fest from me to you.

[Jen - Lance's Wife]

You are at the spot I was last year. I finally realized that I couldn't parent from a chair anymore, I couldn't eat my emotions away anymore. I finally realized that my habits had to change and they did with that little light bulb moment. You can do it - I know you can! While you feel that you are not one of the popular bloggers I love your writing. I have children that are your boys age and love to see that you are going through similar things. Hang in there I know it will get better!

[dink(y)]

I emailed you a story that I hope will help...

take care!