violated

I can look at almost every photo I have taken since I began studying photography and tell you what the weather was at the time, what I was thinking at the time, what I was smelling at the time, and precisely how I felt at the time. This is why I am not the best judge of my own work. I look at something I have done, and have an entire multi sensory experience. Sometimes I just know when I have captured something special. On this trip I got a few shots that are treasurable. We celebrated Evan's birthday on this vacation and at dinner that night the waiters came over with a candle in a dessert for him. The smile on his face was tremendous and incredibly genuine (as opposed to the cheesy looking one he does for every other photo) and I snapped a photo at the precise moment he looked up at me. It looked beautiful on screen behind the camera and I was anxious to get home and see it big. There was also a precious moment between my father and Josh where my dad was showing Josh some "magic" tricks and they were both grinning at each other with their hands in some kind of magical position. There were a bunch of shots in and around the pool, there were underwater shots of Josh as he figured out how to dive down to the bottom of the pool, there were some good looking shots of me that I took with in arms reach that looked decent and promising, exciting shots of Evan walking around in the shark tank (a new attraction here) and there were lots of shots of the kids with my parents, who have been so decrepid that I am actually wondering how much longer they will be around for.

When we were here the last time my camera died on the last day, so I went home empty (photo-wise) handed. I was sad and disappointed, but it was nobody's fault, so I was able to let it go. This time I had my new camera, I had plenty of memory and battery and I was going to get the photos back that I lost last November.

I've been in a bit of a funk here, feeling like the kids barely let me breathe before someone needs something else that only I can help with, or worse, that only I am acceptable to receive help from, and all I hear all day long is "Mom I need mom want mom can you do this mom mom mom". This is coupled by the fact that the husband is a gambler and I am not. I am beat by the end of the day from riding wave pools and climbing stairs, snorkeling, walking with sharks, and parasailing, and all that I do. I end up in the room with the kids and the husband goes to the casino to gamble. Every night. All 6 nights of this vacation. And now I am feeling all hostile and neglected, especially since the boys are in one room and we are in another and I told the husband that I had intentions when we got here.

Last night I had some time alone in the room to read the book so I looked through our bags of stuff that the husband had gathered from our lounge chairs at the pool. I couldn't find my book. Then I noticed that my camera wasn't in the right pouch, so I looked for that too. It was no where to be found either. I got frantic and enlisted the help of Evan and Matt. The book and the camera were gone. Exactly two things were missing and they were MY book and MY camera. Since I had left the husband with all the stuff I had no idea what had happened to it. I called three separate people in the hotel security/lost and found and no one had a camera or my book. I went to the casino found the husband and asked him where my book and camera were and he didn't know. I burst into tears, and he said he'd come up to the room to look as I turned to run away, but he didn't. I got back to the room, waited half an hour and then I cried myself to sleep.

My book was still down by the pool this morning, but the camera is gone. I interrogated every single pool guy and every single manager type person I could and the camera is no where. I want to vomit thinking about some thieving idiot being so happy to have my camera, erasing all my photos and then using it.

My problem is grief over the missing shots, they meant so much to me, they were going to be so beautiful, so sweet, and utter dismay at the feeling that in this life no one is looking out for me. No one. Nobody. I am as alone as can be. My mother never did, my husband doesn't now. This isn't what I signed up for. I feel so alone and empty right now. If I am not crying then I am nothing at all.

Comments

[Jen - Lance's Wife]

Oh! I am sending you hugs! I'm sorry you lost your camera, but you'll have wonderful memories. Husbands can be very dense at times - just remember, you'll be able to use this against him forever! :0)