clickmom

still sick

The husband took the kids out for the day so I could rest.

I watched three chick flicks, because I couldn't get off the couch. I saw In Her Shoes because Shirley Maclaine is in it (love her), Friends With Money because it was starting at the right time, and Failure To Launch because the attraction of Matthew McWhatever the hell his name is overrides the boredom of Sarah Jessica Parker (who, if you recall gave me a dirty look when she was in town filming a movie in these parts and I took her photo because I was doing my job).

Still nauseous, still headached, still fevered, still waiting for the results of those blood tests.

sick again (whiny too)

I haven't been feeling well for quite some time, and it was the kind of thing just kinda crept up on me, slowly, sneakily, in tiny little increments until one day I thought "Holy cow! I feel like total crap, and I can't remember the last time I felt good." So, I did what every self neglecting mother does when she realizes the health shit is about to hit the fan, I called the MD. And his very nice secretary suggested I come in for a visit, was I available two weeks from now? So, I did what do, oh too well these days, I started to cry and I told her that I was sick now, and I couldn't imagine how I would feel in two weeks. Then I told her that I could some in at 1230 without kids, but would come in at any time and bring the kids with me. She put me on hold, and then came back to tell me I could come in the next day at 12:30. Thank you Dr. Mensch.

I went in last Thursday and the good doctor asked me what was wrong, and I whipped out my sticky, (have I ever told you that I put my entire life on stickies?) and read him my laundry list of complaints that pretty much cover every woman's disease you ever got an email asking you to forward to ten people you love. The only generic symptom I couldn't complain of, and have never in my life had, not even when was down for the count for an entire month with mono in college, is weight loss. Surprised?

I felt a little guilty to myself going in to Dr. Mensch and telling him how long I have felt shitty for because really when I thought about it, some of the little things that added up to a lot of things started over a month ago and I just ignored these little things because that is what I do. My own needs always get lost in the shuffle. I always put myself kinda low on the priority list, and disregard my own aches and pains. I'm sitting around trying to figure out where that comes from and hnestly, I don't know, but I think I have always been like this. Never want to complain. Jut want the positive reinforcement. It is just that now as a mom, I have gotten way lower on the totem pole than I could have ever imagined.

My concerns were appendicitus (Yes, I watched Grey's Anatomy and Meredith makes appendicitus look so sexy, no?) and ovarian cancer (forwarded email from the SIL). What I was praying for was that he would declare me suffering from something that was easily curable with one quick round of drugs that are not antibiotics, cause me and the yeast don't get along.

He asked me on Thursday if I had been running fevers, and I said "No" We did discuss the hot flashes I get 30 seconds after waking up in the morning and chalked those up to peri-menopause (yet another reason to celebrate). But then when I went to the spa on Friday for my morning of pampering and luxury, and the cranial sacral therapist put one hand on my face and told me I felt a little warm. Today, I have a fever. I sit here with what feels like windburn on my cheeks and maybe just maybe there are tiny little pots of water just simmering behind each of my eyeballs.

The thing is that Dr. Mensch took a few vials of blood and did the typical run of tests. He wants me to go on the same anti-candida/caveman diet that I did last winter. He thinks that at least some of my gasto symptoms could be due to a food intolerance. Since I am off all gluten and feeling incredibly pathetic and sorry for mysef about it, (how I long for a piece of toast) I just can't imagine what else I could pssibly give up. Dr. Mensch suggested dairy as a possible culprit and I can't even go there cause I need my occasional latte and that is the the bottom line.

After seeing Dr. Mensch, I squoze in a visit to the chiro, and he used some his own brand of special voodoo to determine that I am cancer free (phew) but suffering from two new food intolerances. Chiro guy said nix the tomatoes and the tea. Tea??? OMG, I can't tell you how much tea I drink, I love all tea, hot tea, iced tea, black tea, green tea, tea with juice, tea with milk, tea straight up, tea in the morning, tea at night. Sob, I wuv my little moldy bags of tea, and now I have my panties in a wad thinking about going tea less. Also, that cute little gentle tea caffeine boost, well, me likey that too.

Now, I wait, until Monday, hoping that something definitive and easily curable pops up on the blood tests, but somehow, I have the feeling that it isn't going to go down that way.

This really gets in the way of something else I want to do. I wanted to take that big leap and try to do the whole writing a book in a month thing. I'll do the whole blog every day thing, (but am too technically deficient to figure out how to get the graphic on my blog) but I almost post every day anyway, so it isn't much of a challenge. If only I had an actual idea for a book in my head I could really do it. I mean, I could write away forever, I just need a story idea. I have been thinking of some stories, but they all involve my real life and I am not sure if I want to put it all out there. I have noting to hide, but to make it all story interesting I would have to exaggerate here and there, make up some more interesting than life events and pretty much embellish the hell out of it. So, I'm not sure I want to anything like that right now, for fear of hurting feelings of family or friends, and I am trying to come up with something more fictional.

I guess the jury is out until at least next Monday.

PS Now I am too tired to proof this, so please forgive the typos.

morning at the spa

Today was the day that the husband so graciously volunteered to man the fort while I wilst the way the hours at the spa. So, I did. I had some heavenly caranial sacral and reflexology, and would never dare to whip out my camera during this most holy and sacred event (also, I am in undies during it) so you'll have to use your vivid imaginations. Then I went into the salon, which is mostly for brides and older ladies. They set me up for the pedicure first. The most amazing thing was the freaky blue water they make you soak your feet in before the pedicure. It smelled like eucalyptus which was nice and as an added bonus cleared my sinuses but the dye, eeeeww.

I also got my toes and fingers painted and here is proof of that:

Yes, I chose different colors, leave me alone, I already heard it from the boys.

It was very nice and totally relaxing. Then I went shopping afterwards. clickmom & shopping= stress. Not so relaxing, but I did appreciate not having to wrangle, bribe, or bargain with any young people while I wandered the mall. I left the mall and eventually the sun came out and the wind picked up. I realized that driving and taking photos at the same time is a very bad idea, but not before I snapped this one.

See? The sky cleared and the sun came out. It was that kind of windy day when you have to steer the car like one of not exactly responsive those arcade driving games because the wind is actually moving your car sideways. Lot's of fun driving.

Then I came home. We had excellent Thai food for dinner, and now I am hitting the hay.

old friend Bob

My friend Bob is HIV positive.  He had a really shitty childhood and now, because he simply doesn't know that he can tell people NO,  he lets people walk all over him, and they do.  I worry about him all the time.

getting to know all about you

Every year the kids teachers give them a "getting to know you" assignment and they ask them to write something so that they can get to know the kids a little bit better. This year Evan's teacher asked him to write about a time when he felt fear, as in was afraid. Naturally Evan, oh so macho Evan, had much difficulty even considering that he, a mere human, had experienced fear in his ife, but eventually he came up with something and wrote this letter. I have included my version of these events in italics just to help clarify a bit.

Enjoy.

Dear Mrs. Borscht,

It was early morning in Six Flags. not long after lunch I was suspended in the air about to plummet down to the earth in a nose dive. I just had to go on that attraction where they hoist you, in a prone position 200 feet into the air and then pull you and your mother (who agreed to go on the ride because it was the only one that wouldn't make her vomit, only pee in her pants with terror) and then they make you pull the release causing you to free fall for a minute before the cord tghtens and you just soar back and forth like a yo yo walking the dog Suspense was killing me. I was petrified "Well," I said to myself "it's too late to turn back now." or maybe it went more like "Don't pull it mom, I'm not ready" so I pulled the rip cord begged my mother not to pull the rip cord and just let us hang there until they gently lowered us back down, but she didn't listen and soared toward the hard unforgiving earth. When my mother finished screamng (and peeing) she pointed out how much we could see just to calm me down. She was so brave and really did help me to enjoy the rest of our swinging pendulum of death ride. You could see the whole amusement park from there. I went 60 mph. I think, I looked on the net and that is how the fast the ride could potentially go. Since 60 mph sounds tough I am going to just say I went that fast anyway. It was sure worth the 1 hour line I waited on. I felt really scared. And that is putting mildly. At the end I was glad to be alive had fun.

Sincerely,
Evan

score one for the husband

We had a busy weekend and I woke up this morning feeling tired and the farthest I could feel from refreshed. The head still hurts and now there is some sort of strange pain in my left leg too. I just feel like my whole left side is twisted and pinched. It's getting me down and making it difficult for me to be motivated to do anything. I threw on some exercise clothes and was rushing to make the lunch for the boys, after having much difficulty waking them up, and actually being yelled at by Matt (gasp) who had fallen into such a deep slumber after I woke him up the first time that he thought I was yelling at him when I was actually calling him for breakfast. (And if you believe I wasn't yelling, shame on you)

As usual I never went to the grocery store yesterday so I was busy rushing and checking the contents of the fridge for freshness and mold in order to throw together a lunch for the boys that included more than one food group when the husband stopped by to let me know he was leaving. As he leaned in for a kiss I put my head on his shirt and smelled how fresh and clean he was, I love that mix of soap, deodorant, and laundered shirts. I looked up into his freshly shaven face, thought about how he would be able to do things like bathroom with privacy all day long and said with all the pathetic I could muster "I wish I was going to work today" He tenderly stroked my greasy hair and said it looked like I could use a day off. I agreed and he said (this is where the points come in) "Why don't you call the spa and spend the day there on Friday." I turned my red rimmed eyes towards him and saw that he was serious. Like I was hit by lightening I ran for the phone got an 8:30 appointment for some heavenly cranial sacral therapy and at the husband's urging made an appointment for a pedicure and manicure too. Then I said I would like to go to the mall afterwards and buy a new outfit for some work related party I have to attend with the husband. He said sure. I kissed the husband goodbye and was able to finish off the morning preparations with a big smile on my face.

Then I emailed the babes and asked them if anyone wanted to join me during any point of my day off. I figured it would be easy for them to join me since their kids all go to school all day. I thought they could either go to the spa, have a different lunch than we usualy do on Fridays, or even give me some shopping advice. What fun! Later in the day I got an email from B asking if I was talking about the Friday that they cancelled school for a teacher in service day. Bwah ha ha. Yes!!!! I was!!! Ha ha ha. Double points for the husband!

hot grandma

I went to visit my grandma today. It is always so sad to do, although I have to say my kids are fabulous every single time. They know the drill, we go into her sweltering little apartment, sit around for 15 or 20 minutes, take her out to lunch, stop by the playground down the block for a little running around, buy an ice cream from the ice cream guy, and then walk grandma back home and leave. That is what we do when we see her now. We used to pick her up and take her to museums or the circus or something with us, but now she can't even walk half a block without getting winded and leg pains. Also, she shrunk a lot and I can't imagine her getting into (hauling herself into) my truck. If we did bring her somewhere she wouldn't remember it the next day anyway. It is best to stick with the routine.

While I was sitting with grandma on the bench in the playground watching the kids run around I started to tell her what a fabulous grandmother she had been for me when I was a kid. I recalled all the places she had introduced me to and all the special little gifts she used to show up with. She and I are artistically inclined and she often showed up with some kind of art supply, when I got older she would bring me the free make up she had gotten in the department store with her purchase or the little perfume samples. But the one thing that had me cracking up was remembering that it was grandma who brought me my first lingerie. When I was in 7th grade and grandma brought me this beautiful greek goddess looking nightgown that was white silk with ties that went down the open sides all the way from my shoulders to my ankles I had no idea that all the other 7th graders weren't donning such stunning night gowns every night. It was sexy and I brought it with me to a sleep over at my girlfriends house When all the other girls whipped out and climbed into their Dr. Denton's I slipped into the greek goddess. At first I was all embarrassed, but all the girls were incredibly interested and even jealous of my adult type of night wear. Every one wanted one and I was the momentary star of the show. Yeah, grandma was a totally cool grandma.

feel the love Sunday

setting: Master bedroom, husband and wife are freshly showered and in the final stages of getting dressed.

clickmom: Damn, I have the same headache I have had for weeks. I'm sure it is related to my shoulder. I have to warn you the constant pain is getting to me. I'm starting to feel homicidal.

the husband: I'd prefer suicidal.

off with his head

I have a theory that who ever a person is at their core, they become even more of as they age. This means that even if you manage to suppress your less than stellar impulses for most of your life, eventually if you live long enough, the person you tried not to be but really were inside all along will come out and maybe even shock people. This is why sweet old Aunt Mary who was always the darling of the town now swears like a sailor in the nursing home. She was faking it all along.

One thing I was known for my whole life was patience. Personally, I think that I may have been born with a limited amount, and the kids have drained that reserve, but for the sake of this argument here, let's just say, I am not the patient saint I was earlier in my years. I find it interesting when I hear some of the things that come out of my mouth and know very well that I wouldn't have had that reaction in the not so distant past.

The other thing I notice about myself is a definite and distinct lack of tolerance. I think this may be related to the patience in some way. Coming home from the babes weekend the topic of our ex- governor who came out of the closet only when he was caught having given his unqualified gay lover a high security job. The man was still married to the mother of his second child at the time he was caught. Now Ex-Governor McSkeevy has written a book. My stand was that I would not buy that book or read that book for anything. I think the man is an embarrassment. I think that regardless of the strict religious house he grew up in, what his parents expectations of him were, or what his own political aspirations he was a lying cheating scum bag who is trying to profit off of his pathetic story since his political career is in the trash because he HIRED HIS UNQUALIFIED LOVER for a HIGH SECURITY position and not because he is gay. Really, I think the whole gay thing is just a distraction, a smoke screen, to cover up the real issue, which is HE HIRED HIS UNQUALIFIED LOVER FOR A HIGH SECURITY JOB and the man should hang his head in shame and slink into the shadows with his tail between his legs never to be seen or heard from again since he abused his power and took advantage of the citizens who put their trust in him, rallied for his election, voted him into office, and paid his salary with their taxes. I know that if I was a gay person, I would spit on this man before I ever even gave him the chance to talk to me. I mean, if any of my kids are gay, I hope they have the common sense to be themselves, not marry a woman or two and have a child or two just to help their image and further their political careers. Yuck, yuck, yuck. That is just as slimy as it gets! The man lied and lied until he got caught. Then I am sure some image consultant told him he had to come out of the closet "I am a gay citizen and I am proud" Bullshit. Liar liar pants on fire. You just can't live a lie like that, man. I mean, really. I am so offended by this pretense I can not even tell you. I feel very strongly that no one should be paying attention to this man let alone reading his book. And I haven't even mentioned how he fulfilled his need for male attention. He could have gotten his wives killed!

Kitten saw McSkeevy do a tv interview and she was sympathetic to him. I just don't get it. She made me listen to stories about his childhood. I don't care. She told me how desperately McSkeevy wanted to have the family and the american dream. Don't care. She told me more about the guys parents. Don't care. Don't care. Don't care. Then I realized that maybe just maybe I was being a little intolerant. But you know what? I don't care! And I don't want to hear another speck about McSkeevy and his lying hurtful deceitful life. I will not support that kind of behavior.

See what I mean about the lack of tolerance?

In the mean time, the husband who wants stuff way more than I want stuff, wants to get three nice watches so that one day all three boys can inherit a watch from him. That is sweet right? Except that I am the cheap one in the family and the husband wants expensive watches and he can be found many times over the course of an evening surfing the web for watch information or checking out the watch company catalogs. This has become a little bone of contention in our house, and really I just wish he would buy the frigging watches and get it over with so I don't have to hear about it anymore. Then tonight we had a guest for dinner who actually asked the husband questions about the watches and I realized that the husband is in fact not discussing his quest for the ultimate watch collection of three perfect expensive watches with me because I have become so INTOLERANT of the whole idea.

See what I mean?

So, if you want to find me in the nursing home one day just look for the chubby old lady who can't tolerate anyone or anything.

It's my way or the highway baby!

puking guilt

Today I feel like the worst mommy ever. Yesterday I took Josh to the dentist to get a large cavity filled. He got his first novacaine ever and when we left the dentist and came home for what would have normally been his lunch time, I just kinda forgot that he was numb and gave him lunch. It also never occurred to me to instruct him on the proper eating procedures for post dentist still numb meal times because, sob, I guess I just forgot that he is still a baby and doesn't know about these things yet. Oh, the guilt. Well, when I checked on him a few minutes later I saw that he had just barely nibbled his food, so I asked him to look at me and that there was blood running down his chin. More guilt. People, he was eating his lower lip. Guilt and nausea. He was just chomping down on the poor little swollen numb thing, and he was doing it hard. Oh, the guilt again. Then we had to go on this field trip with his class and his poor little sweet red lip was swelling by the moment. Every time I looked down at him I was more horrified than the moment before. He couldn't even talk right before the trip was over. And darling little Josh never even complained. I called the dentist last night and he cheered me up by telling me that there was nothing to do about it and that it would most likely look worse in the morning. He was right about that. When Josh woke up the gnawed part of his lip was even more swollen, and whitish. I assume white is the color of dead inner lip skin. Also, his mouth was stuck together and it hurt him to unpeel his lower ravaged lip from his top lip. Guilt squared. I took him to swim class as usual and wondered whether it would hurt from the chlorine. I didn't want to scare him, so I said nothing. After his class I asked him if the water hurt his lip and he answered "Only when I hold my breath" (Guilt x 100) He didn't want me to put anything on it, and really, what was going to put on it anyway? Even the dentist didn't recommend anything except maybe rinsing with LISTERINE! And to that I say, "Only when you use it as an enema, Dentist man." because I could make a whole post out of the one night the husband accidentally used his cinnamon toothpaste on Josh's toothbrush instead of Silly Strawberry, and I thought I might have to call the bureau of child welfare to intervene judging from the distressed cries of agony coming from the bathroom. So, this is Josh last night, before the nuclear swelling effect of a good night's sleep. I just couldn't bring myself to photograph the lip carnage that presented itself today. (guilt x infinity)