At least I woke up today with my real-colored glasses on. I opened my eyes and knew I was still going to be fat.
I woke up and knew that I would once again "do the diet" and keep myself on the right track. I gazed at the bathroom scale, which I have been trying to stay off of, and managed to avoid getting on. I just don't know for sure it would be good news, I would jump right on that scale if I knew for sure it would be an amazing 4 pound weight loss, nothing like losing the water weight, which judging by the lengthy morning pees I am experiencing I have already lost. If I got on the scale and I didn't see that scale register a loss, well, it would really diminish my morale, which is already sagging. The food on this diet, tasty but doesn't pack the carbohydrate sugar rush that the dried fruit and white rice I have been binging on (Who am I kidding? For a week before this diet I was all over the Ben and Jerry's) I am sucking down tea for caffeine's sake, but it isn't doing the trick. I want to whine "I wanna cookie." But, hey, I have committed myself for these first two weeks (AT LEAST), and then some, because we all know I am not that close to my goal (weight or clothes) and then for however long it takes for me to lose the 30 more that I have made my next short term goal.
I am so going to throw myself a little party when I hit that goal.
Can't wait.
In the mean time, there is something that I have been walking around with for a while here, and I just need to get it off my chest. It is the whole ordeal I have been going through Peanut. Remember I told you that she was breaking up with me? This is the readers digest version what went down: I am thinking that she has been thinking that I am maybe too hard on the husband, or not thankful enough of what I have, with my 20/20 hindsight, I see the signs (remember the remarks). She is a big fan of a husband in general and thinks that we women should cater our men a bit. Then we were both at a local event. I was working and she was participating. I knew she'd be there, so I before I started shooting I went over to say "Hello" to Peanut and her husband. They were all dressed up, I took a photo of them, then I went to work. When I was ready to leave I looked for them to say goodbye, but they had already left without saying goodbye to me. Peanut and her husband felt that I had been dismissive and rude to him, not answering a question that he had asked me, and their collective feelings were hurt. Afterwards Peanut emailed me to ask me what was going on between me and husband and did I really hate him. I had no idea what she was talking about and also no idea that she was even serious, so I emailed her back "Don't be paranoid, I hate all men." You can always count on me to join in on a man bash. Thinking I was a hahaha funny girl, which obviously was the wrong thing to think since Peanut replied, that she couldn't be friends with someone who hated her husband. I was like..."HUH?!?" and emailed her back that I do not hate husband, but the damage had already been done. Since then we have had a couple of conversations in which I swear to her that I did not intentionally behave rudely to her husband and I apologize over and over. I don't know what else to do.
The last time we spoke about it I asked her what she would expect me to do around her husband and she said I should have a conversation with him, I should show an interest in what he has going on and that I should "flatter" him (her word, not mine), she said "Give him a compliment."
I was pretty surprised at that answer, since me doing all those things would mean that I was hot for her husband. It sounded a lot like me flirting, which I kinda sorta don't do any more since I am married and all. I can not even remember when I was that nice to a guy, but if I had to guess it would be 1989, the year I met the husband. And honestly, I was probably only that nice to him until I finally got him into bed with me and knew that he was now hooked. (kidding!)
Anyways, I haven't been around her husband since that conversation, and would like to put all this behind us, but I just don't know if I can do what she wants me too. I have been painfully aware of what I say and how I act around other peoples husbands and it is wearing me down. I'm not typically so self conscious. I do realize however that I chat differently with different people, depending on how engaged they are with me. I can tell you that when talking to a guy no compliment has passed my lips, other than something along the lines of "You have the greatest wife.", but that probably doesn't qualify. Seriously, I am very generous with the compliments to the women in my life but do not feel comfortable "flattering" anyone who carries a wallet in the back pocket. As the days pass, I just feel like the whole situation is getting more and more ridiculous. If we were friends that didn't belong to a group it would be the sad ending to a friendship, but we are both babes, and this just has to be resolved.
I'm frustrated.
So, now I listen to every word I say to other people and what they say to me. As we speak I think, "Am I sending signals? Am I flirting? Are they?" Oy vey! This sucks. As it would happen, my neighbors kid graduated college and his parents had a party. I know this kid fairly well, he has baby sat for the boys, house sat for the dog, come to our computer rescue on more than one occasion, and sometimes borrows my camera lenses. Sometimes we chat, like I said, I think he is a nice kid, I feel bad for him though because he doesn't seem to have any luck with the girls. Last weekend I was at his party, in the kitchen, chatting with the other parents. He came into the kitchen and leaned up on the kitchen counter next to me and said "Your hair looks pretty. Did you do something new? Did you get highlights?"
I almost peed my pants.
No singing Mrs. Robinson!! I know what you are thinking!! Do you think I should be totally creeped out? I said, "No, I just brushed it." and the husband said "It's the gray, you are seeing all the gray." Ha! Isn't he funny? Guess who didn't get lucky that night... the neighbor kid (at least with me) or the husband.
So, as you can see, I have to get this whole ordeal in my past before I go crazy assuming that anyone who tosses a compliment my way wants to sleep with me. With all my other hang ups I have no room left for paranoia. My hotel is completely booked, and paranoia needs a whole suite anyways.
PS When we saw Peanut at a party (she was there solo) she marched right up to my husband and complimented his lavender shirt.
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