venting

Warning: My feelings about the health and well being of friends and family will be discussed in the following post. This blog is a place for me to write about my feelings. I own these feelings, I am entitled to these feelings and they are not open for discussion. If it might bother you to read about my feelings just stop reading now.

You have been warned.

All is not well here in Stepford.

My SIL is continuing to recover from her brain surgery and has regained a small amount of feeling on her side. She has returned to work part time. She needs to work. Too much of her identity is wrapped up in her work. Her illness and my lack of response to her illness has put an obvious strain on our already strained relationship. Truthfully, I don't give a damn about having a relationship with her, it just makes pretending harder. That is what we do, we get together and do a pretend thing, and then we don't see each other for a while, and then we pretend again, etc.... I still worry about her kids, and that one day they will end up orphans. Did I ever mention that her husband isn't entirely healthy either? When she married him 8 years ago he was a chain-smoking diabetic with high cholesterol who needed a pace maker. Now he is a chain-smoking diabetic with high cholesterol who has a pace maker. See why I worry?

I am still worried about the mysterious spots they saw in my little sisters head. I think about them maybe being MS all the time. Really, the last thing she needs is MS. (As if any one needs a diagnosis like that!) She is healing well from her butt surgery. She had to take a lot of pain killers though, and I am thinking that I will suffer for a long time before I ever go down that route. My Grandma is as confused as ever, and when we visit her she no longer remembers that we were just there, even on the same day, and I get angry that I make the effort even though the kids hate visiting her and then I get no credit for it. Grandma is in such psychic pain that it hurts just to see her.  I feel guilty for vowing never to become her.

Boops is maybe the only one around her that I am worrying less about, she is slowly but surely regaining some of the self esteem that her husband managed to chip away over the years. I hear it in the way she is beginning to handle him and see through some of the head games he tries to play on her. He is one crazy piece of work, and she is better off with out him. I'd still love to introduce him to my baseball bat though, I mean, don't mess with my babes, y'know? A lot of anger still happening there.

I do still worry about B. She is out and about, I see her walking around my neighborhood all the time, but I am haunted by what happened to her. Maybe it was because she reached out to me and leaned on me a little during her illness, but I just feel like I want to wrap her up in a blanket and take care of her.

And now for the two more complicated illnesses that are on my mind... Peanut's lumpectomy was not as cut and dry as just a lumpectomy. They found more microscopic cancer cells and are doing a mastectomy next week. It isn't the cancer that has me so upset here, I feel confident that it will be removed and she will be fine, It is the way she chooses share or not share the details of her illness. In a nut shell, my feelings are hurt. Peanut told me that she is afraid that I am going to fall to pieces and she doesn't want me to. So she is avoiding me. She let's me know what her plans are, but she isn't sharing her feelings with me. Now, I know she is going through something that I have no idea how difficult it might be, but she is closing me out and my feelings are hurt. This is bothering me a whole lot. I happen to think I am a very good listener, and want to be there to support my friend. Peanut's biggest fear is that I'll try to visit her in the hospital. Hurt, confused, I feel it all, but I just can't say anything because every one knows that in the game of life cancer trumps feelings and for the moment here it is not all about me, it is about her.  It just isn't the way I would handle things if I were sick.

My Mom is the new biggest concern in my life. If you read the post below you will know that there were cancer cells in what was removed ( she can't remember which part of what they removed). I just can't even barely think of what to say about this because really, I am not sure how to spell a primal scream. Just imagine me primal screaming, over and over.

SO, I am sitting here thinking about all of the above and who do I reach out to? My old friends cocoa bean and sugar. I ate so much last night that I still felt sick this morning. And you what? The food just wasn't doing it for me. No matter how much I ate the feelings were still there and I was still anxious. I wanted the nice drugged out feeling I used to be able to get from food, but instead ended up with a racing heart from the all sugar. No matter how much I tried to slow down and enjoy what I was doing, I wanted that sensuous food experience to happen to me,  I just couldn't. It was yummy in a quick and easy kind of way but there was no comforting or nurturing going on by the food. The food abandoned me!! Really, aside from ending up nauseous witha an aching stomach I got nothing from the food. In one way a total disappointment, but in a much healthier way a lesson I need to take to heart about finding a new and helpful way to handle my overwhelming emotions. I need to find a non-oral way of handling stress. Now I have to get my food act back together again today, and it is worse because what I really need to do is add some more restrictions to my diet and get off all white and refined foods, at least for a month or so. I have to kick this yeast thing I am battling, you know the condition that causes me to crave all the sugar in the first place! The timing sucks over here.

Comments

[Heather]

Man that's a lotta people who are ill around you to worry about. You're obviously a strong person and I hope their health improves. In the meantime don't beat yourself up about one night's indulgence. I hope things start to look up.

[Debbie]

This will definately not go down as the best time in your life.

Stay strong. Stay out the chocolate and sugar. You have a lot of people relying on you.

Here is my motto regarding one certain SIL in my life. We don't have to be friends. We just have to get along.

[Laura]

Don't be too hard on Peanut. She doesn't want to upset you. Even if you think she's going about it the wrong way, she's trying to protect you just like you want to protect her. You guys just have different methods. The people in your life are so very lucky to have you. But don't make YOURSELF ill worrying about them.

[Kris]

I don't have any magical words of advice.

Just hugs and prayers.