Really, I never watch day time TV. Really, like totally never, but today I watched Brooke Shields on Oprah. I was compelled to write to her afterwards, we have so much in common. I actually used to see her all the time as a young teenager, because her private school was around the corner from my public one. I think she used to pretend not to see me cause I am so much prettier than her, (kidding!) but it was a thrill to spot her back then. Anyways, here is the letter I tried to send, but couldn't because Oprah will only let me send a message of under 2000 characters, and I decided that every single word in my letter was necessary, therefore making my letter way to long. Hopefully Brooke will read this posting on line cause she is such a big fan of mine (kidding), but seriously, Brooke, if you need any advice just leave me a comment and I'll get back to you.
Dear Brooke Shields,
I watched you on Oprah today because I too suffered from post partum depression after the birth of my first child. I also had a traumatic labor and c-section, during which I also thought I was going to die, and felt oddly distanced from my new born son. I remember after a couple of weeks telling my husband I felt as if I was waiting for the real parents to come and tell me the baby sitting job was over. I shared many of the thoughts you had like wanting to hurt myself and imagining running away. Like you the only thing that prevented me from doing anything drastic was the baby. I knew I couldn’t leave him with no one to care for him.
When my mother discovered me sobbing in the bathroom at 6 weeks post partum, her advice to me was “Get over it, the baby is healthy and you are too.” I had difficulty discussing my feelings afterwards, but managed to put up a good front and disguise my depression as well as the Post traumatic stress disorder I suffered from for over two years. During this time I cried whenever was I was alone and slept for about 15 hours a day. When my baby slept, I slept, I even napped twice a day while he was little and napping twice a day too. During the night I would have flashbacks to the O.R. where my section was performed without anesthesia. I would wake up ready to burst out of the room, my heart beating wildly in my chest. Sleep was my only escape and my worst enemy at the same time. Eventually both disorders disappeared immediately following a miscarriage, which I believe put my body chemistry back on the right track.
I didn’t actually know that there was a label for what I went through, that it was all classifiable, since it made sense to me that I would be disturbed after such a nightmare of an experience, until I was pregnant with my second child, and told my new care provider that I was afraid of feeling the same way I did with the first. She sent me to a therapist who specialized in PPD, who validated and labeled the experience for me. I was carefully watched the second time around, and am happy to say that I did not have a trace of depression with my second, and only a mild case of the blues with the third.
My second and third births were not traumatic, and I emerged emotionally intact, which is why I think the depression did not reoccur. Going into another birth you will understand what is happening to you, and feel more in control. You will be prepared like you can only be with that kind of experience already behind you, and hopefully this transition will not upset your balance again. Just because it happened once does not mean it has to happen again, you may not become depressed at all.
Being so candid and honest will hopefully help women out there who are suffering like we did, who may not know that help is available. I am sure it is difficult for you to publicize the darkest parts of your life, but I am also sure that many other new mothers will benefit because of your courage. Good luck to you in all you do.
Amy
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