It makes me somewhat happy to see all the publicity that Autism and Aspergers Syndrome has been getting lately. It would be nice if all this information could make the neurological typical among us more patient, and less judgmental, and open to relate to those who don’t instinctively relate the way we do, but I do not think that will happen. One reason why I believe this is so unlikely to happen, is that it seems to me that the people who are paying all the attention to the media reports and other publicity are those who already have a background with these syndromes. Professionals, parents, and families are hungry for information, but does any one else care? I care because my son has been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. But why would my neighbor take the time to understand when her family has not been touched this? In a “What’s in for me?” for world, it doesn’t happen.
It it also true that other kids with the same diagnosis are very different acting from him. Each child within this diagnosis is unique. This only makes it difficult for the non-affected, and even for those us who love these kids, to relate to the others. It’s hard enough to figure out your own kid, get all his nuances down, and do the dance with him, let alone another kid with a whole different take on it. Even though we don’t always understand the kids, we have to withhold judgment.
We all need to start showing more respect for others. All others, not just bosses or superiors, but all of humanity. Respect will help us relate to adults and children in a better way. Children need to respect adults and adults need to respect children. I was incredibly fortunate, as a young teacher going for my Masters degree to take a class with an incredible instructor, that emphasized the teachings ofHaim Ginott. Ginott is the psychologist who inspired the Faber/Mazlish book, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” In these teachings we learn to react to both behavior and words with questions and interest instead of anger, When we do so, we learn that kids may not be the manipulative or disrespectful creatures we imagine them to be, but instead they are hurt, angry or even confused and unsure of how to respond to their own feelings, or what to do with them. This is especially true for kids with Autism, who struggle to understand and react appropriately in social interactions.
It is my belief that all kids would benefit from this approach. I learned the method while I was a NYC public school teacher and was able to use it on my students, with fabulous results. Even my mostly neglected, occasionally abused, and traumatized inner city kids responded positively. This is how I choose to raise my own children. When Matt, my first was an infant I responded to his needs and held him and fed him whenever and wherever he needed. As he got older his needs and wants naturally expanded, and when his needs clashed with my needs, we found a compromise. Initially some feel I am being too lenient, but this method has paid off for our family. It has been my experience that a respected child becomes a respectful child. Anyone who meets my kids will tell you that they are awfully nice. This is not to say that we do not have our moments, of course we do. They are a bit on the loud side, and that can be an issue in certain environments, but they are still thoughtful, considerate, and sweet.
On Matt’s first day back at Religious School for the 3rd grade the ------saw him doodling in his notebook while listening to a teacher. Now, this is where the Aspergers comes in, Matt has to doodle like we need to breath. You just can’t take that away from him. It creates a comfort zone for him that allows him to participate in activities that would otherwise be too much for him to handle. This ----, upset because he seemed not to be paying attention, chose to walk up to him and snatch the pencil out of his hand and leave the room. That was Matt’s last day of religious school. He now gets religious tutoring at home. That one inappropriate and disrespectful action by the ---- made it impossible for Matt to attend religious School. Because Matt has Aspergers, the consequences of the over the top angry reaction of the ----- were multiplied exponentially for him. His feelings weren’t hurt, they were crushed. He wasn’t upset, he was traumatized. No where in our adult lives are we able to walk up to a coworker or a boss, store cashier, bad driver, or any one of the many people we see during the day and grab something out of their hands. Ever. Why would we do it to a child? What is the message? What kind of example is being set? We certainly do not want our children to imitate this behavior.
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