clickmom

My latest attempt at pastels.

I am definitely making progress with the pastels. I am not sure where it came from, but I think somehow all the information in the books and some very hard looking have paid off. I can finally tell which are the warm shadows and which are the cool shadows. Now, my next goal is to draw faces that look like the actual model's face. Maybe my next piece will be a portrait. Let's see if I am that brave.

Now I am pissed.

I love to check my stats. I love to see who searched what on ggogle to get to my site, and then I look at their site, and people are putting MY PHOTOS on their sites, without ever asking for my permission!!!!!!! That pisses me off more than the perverts who keep logging on after googling "naked girls basketball". Go away LOSERS!

little town politics

The truth is that I am not sure if I live in a little town, medium town, or large town, because my reference point is Manhattan, and it is all little to me. But, my town feels little enough, at least it is little enough for an awful lot of people to know my name, and that feels weird to me since I am an absolute name retard. I know every one feels like they are bad with names, but I can actually forget the name of my established friends. I think it is genetic, my grandfather used to cycle through the whole family before he would get to my name. As a young child I thought he was hilarious.

It is strange to me when I walk into a meeting and all these people smile at me call out my name, and I am thinking "Uh, looks vaguely familiar....."

Last night I covered a meeting of people who formed a group to help pass the school referendum. In this town, the budgets used to pass by a safe margin, and then people got older, their kids moved away, less involved non-voters moved in and the votes became closer and closer. Now they can really go either way. The seniors joined forces, organizing, writing all sorts of misleading letters to the local papers. So finally the parents had to organize a grass roots sort of organization to reach the undecided and unaware voters. It was successful two years ago, and is trying for a repeat victory. Noone really wants to admit that the budget has come down to Seniors vs. Families with Kids, but that appears to be the sad truth.

I went to this meeting to cover it for the paper and all these women were so glad the paper was covering the meeting and that I was there to photograph, they came up and told me how happy they were to see me and then I did my thing, and also listened to the meeting and thought ..Why do the same group of people run everything? Why are so few active in all the different community arenas? Where the heck is everyone else?

Sugar Detox Day 5 AM

I never really understood the phrase “Jonesing” before yesterday. Yesterday I was jonesing for everything. Beer, (turns right to sugar during digestion), Wine (sugar), Vodka (sugar), popcorn (turns right to sugar), chocolate, sugar, brown sugar, maple syrup, sugar, honey, sugar, sugar, sugar. Just about every other thought I had yesterday was “Gee, I’d could really go for (something that is essentially sugar) _____.” Rough day. I was afraid I would unconsciously pop some thing into my mouth while dishing out snacks for the kids. Which happens all the time. All of a sudden I will realize I have the taste of food in my mouth and not remember eating, then I have to figure out what I just consumed. I’m sure the look on face during these moments is priceless.

One image that keeps popping into my mind is something another food addict said to me once. He said that when an addict is abstinent, his addiction is in the corner lifting weights just waiting for a slip. Since I have been on and off a few times in the past few years, I worry that my addiction has picked up strength. I fell like I am battling a tiny little mischievous muscle man. I’ll get Matt to draw him for me later.

You know what I love? Rock Candy. When I was a teenager I loved baby sitting for this one family that sugar cubes, I’d suck them all evening. (Yes, the problem goes way, way back) Guess how many root canals I have had? Once when I went for my regular check up at the dentist I had 8 cavities. That was the year my mom had started to keep a bowl of Bazooka Bubble Gum on the piano. The dentist took her aside for a chat and the bazooka disappeared into a drawer. Do you think that stopped me?

Any ways, the headache is down to about 20% of the original pain, so I am going with out the tylenol, and feel physically a bit better. I went to the grocery store this morning and found myself just feeling physically relaxed, and actually noticed my amazon-barrel body hips swaying a little bit. Of course, I was there in the grocery store with NO KIDS, so I could actually shop without listening to non stop chatting, pushing a 57 lb. 4 year old in my cart, (he’s not fat, just big) and explaining why we can’t buy every over processed snack food they sell. But I think I would have felt swinging even if I did have company.

I think I noticed a bit of mental clarity, but I am not sure if that is truly there already or if it is just less pain. I think it is less fog. I’d like to believe that anyway. There is nothing more encouraging than progress.

It Just Won't Work.

Last Spring Matt had to do a current events assignment at school. We were at the dinner table and I was leafing through the paper offering suggestions. One of my suggestions was the issue of Gay Marriage. I figured Matt would understand since we had discussed what gay means, when his friend was being called gay by some school bullies. Matt is also surrounded by my gay friends, and most of all because I am so liberal.

To my surprise, he thought the idea was pretty shocking. He just couldn't get his mind around it. Evan who was listening in kept saying “It just won’t work...” over and over again. This started a big discussion, with me trying to convince the kids that this was a right that should be granted. They just could not imagine a nonstandard union. Evan continued with the “It just won’t work.” I started to get angry, and annoyed.

Finally, I turned to Evan and snapped “Why wouldn’t it work?”, to which he answered “Mom, think about it, two MEN, First nothing would get done, and then they would starve to death!”

Out of the mouths of babes.

I'll take the quaalude card.

In the elementary school here they give the kids Gold Cards as a reward for good behavior. Poor behavior is supposed to get a gray card on the first warning and dastardly behavior gets a red card, which means the parents have to come meet with the principal. I think this system just sucks. It goes against everything I try to teach my kids which is in a nut shell- WE TAKE THE HIGH ROAD, DO THE RIGHT THING BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT AND MORAL THING TO DO, WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE WHO DO GOOD THINGS. No reward involved. After all the reverse is true as well. We don’t want our kids to abstain from murdering folks just to stay out of jail. We want them to grow up and not become homicidal.

Evan, who is naturally helpful and sweet, never gets recognized, and I try to make him believe that it is because he is so wonderful that teachers take his good behavior for granted. Yet, day after day he comes home with tales of helpfulness that would make an Eagle Scout look like a slacker, all in an attempt to get the teachers attention and earn the elusive Gold Card. I know he is helpful other times because parents approach me to tell me tales of kind gestures that they have witnessed or heard of, and girls parents often tell me that he is the only boy that their daughters think is nice.

Lately Evan has been saying that each child in the class has to earn one Gold Card by the end of the month and now that someone is paying attention to him, he has taken home two in the past week. I said “Good Job! Way To Go! High Five!” But what I meant was, “Oh I want to get up and dance a jig, they finally noticed you.” (Can yo sense the sarcasm in there?)

So, I have come up with some cards to motivate the teachers with.

Slime Card- for the teacher who is slow as a snail and dismisses the kids 5 minutes late EVERY DAY.

Caffeine Card- for the teacher with so little personality the kids fall asleep in class.

Quaalude Card -for the teacher who throws desks. (every school has one if you don’t think yours does just ask around)

Rose Colored Glasses Card -for the burnt out teacher who either hates boys or girls, but has a rep for being a good teacher for the preferred gender only.

Retirement Card- for the one who needs to go.

Reality Card- for the unmarried, childless teacher who is adversarial towards parents and think she has all the answers, we hate her!

Paycheck Card- for teachers who can teach, leave kids emotionally intact, and keep parents in their good graces.
Have an idea for a good Card? Suggestions welcome.

Sugar Detox Day 4 AM

Woke up feeling completely depressed like a total loser and felt that way through my shower until I realized that I only dreamed all night about eating things that I vowed not to eat. Now I am fully conscious and know that I didn't stray from this new regimine and have the vice on my temples to prove it, or does it just feel that way? Hmmm.....

Made the mistake of doing some internet reading last night and read how similar sugar detox is to Herion detox and How day 4 is the toughest. Lucky me gets to go to the dentist on day 4, maybe he can shoot some novacaine into my brain? Seriously it is just for a cleaning and to see which one of my sugar covered teeth is about to rot out next. Later.

Sugar Detox Day 3

Well, when I said I might have to get a break yesterday I was serious. By 9:30 AM I was flat on the couch with the worst head ache, nauseous and shivering. I had even taken some Advil, but it didn’t make a dent in the pain. I had to shield my eyes from the burning window light and the vibration of anyone walking across the room felt like a jackhammer next to my head. I was so ill all I could do was sleep so I dozed for four hours while the kids played until around 1 when the husband took them out to lunch. When they were gone I managed to move myself into an upright position and I sat in silence for the better part of an hour just trying not to break in half, the pain was so intense. After about an hour the worst of it began to fade away and I gradually became functional again.

Then the kids came back from lunch and were so worried about me not feeling well that I had to fake being fine. They are so sweet and I could see that they were overly concerned, and Evan in particular was on the verge of tears, so I pasted on a big smile and did my mom thing.

We ended up going to the sister in laws for dinner which I found difficult because her baby cried for more most of the time, and her 5 year old was being threatened, name called, and yelled at by her parents the rest of the time. I hate hearing anyone yell at their kids. I don’t like the way they handle her. I think if they saw a video of themselves they would be embarrassed. But I just sit there and keep my mouth shut because my opinion in that house is not wanted or valued and there is nothing I can do. All the same it is tough to be around them. I am trying not to sound all full of myself, and condescending, even though that is how I feel. Us mothers can so easily fall into the “I do it better than you” trap, and I am so there.

By the time we got there I was able to eat again, and had dinner and only felt mildly head achy when we got home at 7:30. But, despite my 4 hour nap earlier in the day I was ready to go to sleep. Thank goodness Desperate Housewives was on to help me forget my misery! Too bad John wasn’t featured. What a cutie!

Today I have been head achy and stiff all day, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I took Tylenol this morning and even though it is lame, it did manage to take the edge off, which was what I definitely needed to feel at least partially human. I do feel foggy, but less grouchy! Although with two kids in school the day is pretty easy. School is the only break I get, and on Mondays I do enjoy it.

Detox Day 2-AM

OMIGOSH, woke up feeling like I had slept with my head between rocks. I hurt, my head, neck and shoulders all feel that greenish brown pain that feels like I just got off of a rollercoaster, my temples are throbbing, and I am cranky as usual. My skin feels hyper sensitive, every fiber of my clothes is rubbing me wrong, and I do not want to be touched. I don't even want any one in my "bubble". I wish I could hide under the covers, and then emerge feeling well, looking good, and be past this all.

Today promises to be a long day. Wish I could get a break. I may have to speak up today and insist on a break. I promised my sister in law we would go to her house for dinner. I hate eating other peoples food. I hate eating her food. I don't trust the places she gets her food, and I know she lies about cooking it herself when she really buys things pre-made. I may just have to go over the top weird with food. I am going to have develop a real paranioa, and just be open about it. OK, well the paranioa is there, I just need to open up about it. If I always carry my own, then I won't have to eat anyone elses. Then there will be no surprises, and I can aviod accidentally injesting wheat and sugar. Yeah, I feel paraniod.

It is a dirty snow day today, all the bigest clumps of plowed and piled snow are still hanging in, not melting, but covered with filth, and looking like perhaps we should be afraid to breathe.

Sugar Detox. Day 1

Last night I watched Dateline, and saw the story of a woman who worked her way to the top, fell into the grips of a drug addiction, lost everything, including her three children, got a second chance, blew it, and then finally overcame her problems and was able to carve out an honest and meaningful life for herself. In the end, even she was even beginning to rebuild her relationship with her children.

It was not her drug experience that I related to too, but her addiction. I heard her say and do the same things I say and do, only I am talking about my food addiction. I closed my eyes to go to sleep and knew that I would wake up today and start the process of living sugar free. So, it is goodbye, sugar, honey, syrup, and anything that pretends to be sugar. I have known this day was coming, and now it is here. It is time for this food addict to face the truth and bite the bullet. There will always be another birthday, holiday, or celebration right around the corner, and for that reason today is just as good of a day to any to begin. It isn’t a Monday, or the beginning of a month, there are no weddings or reunions to count down to, it is simply the day I woke up and knew in my heart, it is time to get real. Real means no more pretending I do not have a problem. Real means looking in the mirror and seeing what the gallons of ice cream, and cookies, and anything else I could find have done to me. My body has been ravaged by this addiction, and I have to get out before I become seriously ill. I have abusing myself too long, and it is over now.

So, Day 1- no sugar, I have been off wheat for a couple of months, and now I’ll detox again. Doing it one substance at a time has been interesting. Off of wheat I no longer suffer from night sweats, diarrhea, bloating, and cramps. I wonder what will subside off of sugar. Maybe I’ll be young again!

I found myself in the kitchen about 12 times just standing here today. No hand on the door, just feeling unsatisfied and coming in for my hit. Each time I turned around and walked out. I’ll have to think of things I can do to fill all the time I would have otherwise been preparing and eating sugar laden food. The only thing really on my mind is what is behind the fridge door. Like a well trained blood hound, I can sniff out every sweet in the house. It seems like there is nothing I have been eating that does not have sugar in it. You can’t imagine, dear reader how many ways I have found to satisfy my cravings without wheat. I could list all the wheat free treats, but that would take forever, and besides, it seems like I would just be asking for trouble. As of right now, I am still clear and even, but am prepared to ride it out when I am not. Tomorrow will be a new deal, I am sure.