Josh’s fourth birthday was yesterday, and during dinner my sister called on the phone and asked to wish him a “Happy Birthday.” Then the cousins got on the phone to say “Happy Birthday” too, and this all seemed confuse Josh, and he began to tell them “Happy Birthday.” It was all so silly that the grownups began to giggle over his sweet mistake.
I felt I was handling his little milestone so well until this point, when it suddenly struck me that by the time his next birthday comes around he won’t be a baby anymore, and he’ll know the whole day is all about him. Next year he’ll get it. He’ll be all over the gifts, and this is the last birthday for my baby that there will be a touch of baby-ness left in him. Next year he’ll be a real boy, not the big boy he says he is now, since he doesn’t wear diapers and gets to do things that his older brothers can do.
I am definitely feeling sorrow over soon not having a baby anymore. I wish someone would give me a baby. I know I could hold and love and take care of a baby, I just don’t think I could survive being pregnant again. I know that the last pregnancy zapped my health. But, I just can’t get my mind around not having a baby in my family. As much as I look forward to having a few hours of free time here and there, I also feel defined by my role of “Mother of Small Children”, and now Matt is nearly as tall as me, Evan is becoming a total guy, and Josh is about to leave the last bits of babyhood behind. All this trauma, and I am going to turn 40 in a few days! It is a lot to swallow all at once.
I am gazing at the kids, feeling all melancholy when I had one those moments when I know I am doing something right. My mom and I made a homemade cake for Josh, one of my reliable nondairy recipes, and when we presented it to Josh, Matt exclaimed “Oh yummy, the orange juice cake! I love it.” Evan and Josh made the Mmmmmm sound. I was so happy since it was just a plain old white cake, no flowers, colors, or writing. It just made me think how the kids can appreciate the little things, like a homemade cake. So, I guess that since they are going to grow up (at lightning speed) whether I can deal or not I may as well sit back, enjoy and celebrate the fact that my kids seem to be becoming the kind of people who appreciate a home baked cake.
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