clickmom

TIS to the two kids who couldn’t be here for Thanksgiving

Hey babies- hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. Did you cook something special? It was weird here. The plastic popper on my turkey didn’t pop so my turkey was overcooked. I’m traumatized over dry turkey. Really.

Evan and fiancé made everything else. It was cute. They work well together in the kitchen! They did a good job. Pal brought his boyfriend so fiancé’s mom interrogated him instead of me the entire night. That part was kind of nice, if I’m gonna be honest.

Then the house alarm system seemed to malfunction in the middle of the night and go off a couple of times so that was disturbing. And I really don’t know what happened so I have to get someone to come out and look at it next week when everybody goes back to work.

Last night i went to a friend’s for a party. Didn’t even get home until 1AM. I know?? Who am I?

hey

Still working out the kinks on this road to my new life. I saw Pal at the memorial and then stopped by his house for a 2 person sleepover party a couple of days ago. He joyfully exclaimed how great it was to be seeing me so often and I wanted to return the joy because I was totally feeling it too but it felt disrespectful because the husband had to pass away in order to make that possible. But it feels so good to be getting back to myself, when myself is not someone who sits around the house day in and day out.

It's a bit complicated since I also do not want to get covid and I will inevitably get covid because I keep hanging out with other people, so I have to do the mental gymnastics that will be necessary not to want to destroy the person who ends up getting me sick. This will be tricky. Peanut tested positive for covid yesterday. She was feeling pretty bad and I didn't have the courage to ask her if she had informed the people she had seen the day before that they had been exposed. 

Scratch that. I asked her. She did too many things to know where she picked it up and she did let the people who saw her right before she became symptomatic know- but not because she was informing them of her covid status, it was because she had to cancel their next gathering. I am a bit concerned that someone might be around me after they've been exposed and expose me because we live in this kill or be killed world where no one cares about other people enough to let them know that they may be infectious so that they can not infect others. This is why I will 100% refuse to return to this earthly existence for another go around. I hate it here. People suck.

Speaking of hating it here, on the one hand all of humanity is a profound disappointment to me, but on the other hand I am brought to tears of gratitude every time I think about how present and caring my friends have been with me throughout this journey. I am a lucky girl. Definitely chose well. Enough people have told me that they saw who their real friends were after going through a crisis and I am over here inundated with calls, cards, flowers, meals, and company and finding my experience to be quite the opposite. My friends have shown up in a way that I never even dreamed about. I could hand out awards to my friends to the point that some days I think I might like a break. I'm a lucky woman. 

The next hurdle in my life will be getting through thanksgiving emotionally intact. Evan will be my only kid here because Josh doesn't have off from school (damn you Canada!) and Marion is working (with my approval since Canada was going to ruin my day anyways) and then the husband, well, you know he can only be here in literal spirit. Evan and his fiance want to do all of the cooking. I'm letting go! Pal will bring his boyfriend, and I am wondering if I know anyone else who doesn't have anywhere to go so I can fill up the dining room. But maybe a small gathering is best for this year. Yeah, I think small might be better.

 

 

TISMF. Yesterday was the work memorial

You know. I heard many stories yesterday. Many of them were about how outrageously fun it was to be with the husband at the conferences. Many were about his fairness in the field and his vast knowledge of the law.

One of the nicest stories for me to hear yesterday was told to only me. There was a couple there who met at the law firm. The husband was in the husband’s department but she wasn’t. However, her office was right near his and she would see him walking around. She said that after he met me she noticed him walking around the office with a big smile on his face, which she had never seen before, and heard him chatting about me, she would hear him telling people what I had been doing in the classroom with my kids and it was so unlike the “all business” guy that she had been used to that it stuck with her. So I got to have a moment where I pictured young husband (he was 27 when we met) being goofy and so in love that his coworkers took notice. That felt warm and fuzzy.

Then, one woman handed me a letter that I didn’t read until I got home. She told me how she worked with him as a paralegal while going to Cardoza for her law degree and how when she applied for a job as an attorney at the firm she was told outright that she might not have the “pedigree” (I know. What a repulsive concept in today’s world also, not lost on me that was a woman of color so totally fighting against the system) for their firm but that he went to bat for her and she did get the job as an associate and she has always known that he was the one who made that happen for her and now she is a partner there and she will be forever grateful to him. That was also especially nice to hear.

Choice

As time unfolds and I begin to have more perspective on what the last 10 years or so were like, you know that 20/20 perspective that we never have until something is over, I am seeing more and more that I wasn’t entirely understanding on what terribly rough condition the husband has been in for a much longer time than I realized.

It probably has to do with the fact that his decline was so slow and steady, and also the fact that we had essentially been on lockdown for 4 1/2 years (before he left us) it’s really painful to go through old photographs, which I’ve been doing for the memorial coming up and realizing that everything Pal told me is actually happening to me. Pal told me that after his husband passed he looked back and did not know how he managed. Check.

I don’t know how I stayed on high alert 24 hours a day for so long because without being on high alert, I feel like I’m living in this crazy void. People told me that , they were worried about me and that I needed to give myself a break, but I honestly didn’t understand what they were talking about until now. I’m sitting here with nothing but time on my hands. It’s so weird!

I picked up the husband’s sneakers today, thinking I’d toss them into the garbage. They were so old I was sure they would be in too rough of a condition to even think about donating them. How many times have I tied those sneakers without really looking at them? In the end his fingers weren’t even working right. Nope. Not worn out. They actually looked brand new. Even the bottoms looked completely brand new. And it hit me how little he walked in the last 5 years.

It’s tough seeing him getting thinner and thinner and wild eyed in the photos. It’s crazy looking at photos from 10 years ago when I thought he looked so awful and compare them to photos from recent times. I took photos of his thighs years ago because they seemed so frail. I had no idea what was coming. That was probably for the best.

How many times did I stupidly say “If only I had a crystal ball I could pace myself and this would be so much easier”? Too many to count! Now I know that we don’t have crystal balls because if we did have crystal balls, we would go running into the night because the future is too scary until it’s in the rearview mirror. I don’t like it when people ask me how I did it because I did it when I didn’t have a choice. Was there ever a choice?

Tangent. This is a thought I might need to flush out in some future post. The people at hospice, keeping in mind that I did not have a great hospice experience and didn’t really care for the hospice caregivers on whole, often suggested to me that I get a full-time caretaker so that I could go back to being a wife. What the fuck does that mean? Do wives not take care of their spouses? Did they want me to leave the house and hang out with friends to be a wife? It’s so confusing to me. Do wives pay people to do the wifely duty?

Back to my current state. Choice. Right now I have a choice. I have a choice to get off the chair and do what needs to be done so I think I need to remind myself that it is now that I have a true choice and I can finally choose to do the things that I need to do that are all just about me. Gotta get this house in order. Gotta reduce the amount of stuff I own. Gotta get going

TISMF

I saw an ad for an engraved identity bracelet type thing that said

REMEMBER WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE

And then I sent a screenshot of the bracelet with this text:

So this is interesting because this ad just came up as I’m scrolling around on Fcbk and at first, I realized I read it as “remember who the fuck you are” in a humbling way as in “you’re not good enough- take your place in the back of the line“ but then I realized that a healthier person would’ve read it as “You’re fucking fantastic and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise .”

Too bad I just had therapy yesterday.

TISMF

I am one of those people who are kind of annoying to watch television with because I like to give a running commentary on everything. And not having an audience is a little unsettling because I kind of wanna talk out loud.

love and gratitude

I want to talk about this incredible amount of love and gratitude I am feeling in the past couple of weeks. I'm pretty sure it started the day I told Peanut how I was trying to video capture the orbs I was seeing on the baby monitor and I ended up retelling her the whole story of how my grandma was turning on the TV in the middle of the night after she died. In that moment I was filled with love for my grandma, as if I was seeing her again and so happy to be with her. I mean, I know how insane it sounds, but I believe that our spirits continue to exist and I would say that her spirit was with me that afternoon. As I told the story I felt surrounded by love. It's so hard to describe, but you're just gonna have to believe me. Grandma was there, listening to my story and loving me right back. It was a big love fest. Especially when immediately after getting off of the phone when I asked out loud for spirit to let me record the orb and as soon as I pressed the red record button on my camera the most defined bright orb slowly floated across his knees on the video. This orb was so bright it looks like someone had a little laser pointer in the room. Crazy. Thanks Grandma! 

I was filled with love and gratitude when I stood over the husband as he was dying. I think it was because the kids were surrounding me in the moment, even though I didn't recognize it as THE moment until afterwards, and a part of me knew that my kids, who I love more every single day wouldn't be the people they have become without his contribution. I was feeling so very loved because I suspect the kids were there as much to support me as they were because you show up when your dad doesn't have long to live. Also, the kids showed up and showing up is everything.

Maybe because it was because the goddess suggested the week before he passed that I let him know that the kids and I would be okay after he was gone, so I did lean forward one evening and tell him how all of our kids are on a good track to adulthood and are fabulous humans and how I am tough and I'll be okay no matter what happens. Then I thanked him for being a good provider. I know that being a good provider was what was always most important to him.

 

I also want to share the story of the husband's last good day because it was as good as it could have been, considering. Josh had a long weekend from school so I advised him to fly home. I had no idea how bad the husband was, only that he was getting worse every day.  It was all very last minute. Then I asked the other two kids to also come home for a big family dinner. I started to wonder about making a thanksgiving dinner because we won't be having our typical big family thanksgiving this year. (Josh doesn't have off from school and Marion will be working) I wondered out loud to a friend if I could get a turkey this time of year and two days later she arrived on my doorstep with a perfect sized turkey. Which was amazing. I feel so loved. I invited her over for our dinner and I also invited Pal, because Pal has been at our Thanksgivings for ever.

Then I had something to give the husband to look forward to. I kept talking about our pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving and teasing him about eating stuffing and talking about all of the kids coming home. I didn't manage to get to the store, it had become too risky to leave the husband alone, to prepare ahead of time, but Saturday morning Marion ran out with my list and came back with every thing I needed. I spent the whole day cooking reasonable amounts of all of our favorite thanksgiving day foods. 

I put everything out on the kitchen island and we all ate buffet style while sitting around the family room because the husband was too weak to sit in a dining room chair and I don't know how to explain this one but the room was filled with love. So much love. Maybe it was because Pal always has this huge smile while he watches my kids, maybe it was because I was grinning ear to ear watching the kids. The conversation was lively. The husband was unusually engaged, first watching football with Evan and making the effort to participate in conversation. The kids were all debating and there is something really special to see the three of them bantering back and forth. I guess maybe I can see the love and respect they all have for each other. I don't know. It sounds too good to be true but it was just perfect. The husband went to bed early, Pal left, I got the leftovers wrapped and into the fridge, the kids went to bed and then the husband began to stir. With my hindsight I now know that he was beginning to have end of life agitation. Long story short, I began phoning hospice and giving him anti anxiety medications. They took a while to start working, and he wasn't engaging with me as I was trying to distract him from his worries with conversation.

It was 11:30 by that point so I asked him if he wanted to watch SNL while we waited for the meds to kick in and he said YES. I wheeled him to the family room, got him into his recliner, and we watched SNL. Part of me was anxious. I was tired from the cooking and wanted to go to bed, but then I realized that we were chuckling in unison over some of the funnier bits. I stopped myself and reminded me to live in the moment. Parents of young kids will know this great feeling: There is a great feeling when your kids are all tired from a long day and you have gotten them bathed and fed and they're all tucked into their beds and you realize that you have the whole evening to relax and enjoy being the adults together. The house feels extra cozy and whatever worries you have seem far away. That was the feeling I got while we watched and laughed together. Around 12:40, after multiple doses of medication, I noticed him finally relaxing. When SNL was over I wheeled him to bed and he went to sleep without incident.

That was his last good day. I didn't know it at the time but he had been rallying. The next day he barely got up, and by Sunday night he was falling apart. He was unable to stand or even sit up and all of the hospice meds I had in the house couldn't quell his anxiety. It was a difficult night for him and terrifying for me. I realized that I could not keep him safe at home anymore.  Monday morning I arranged for him to be transferred to the hospice facility.

To be completely transparent, none of us had any clue he was so close to the end. The kids had begun to disperse and return to their lives. I packed a big bag of things the husband might want while in hospice. Following the ambulance to the hospice I was making plans for my new life of hanging out in a hospice all day. You know this! The husband was King Of The Bounce Back. He always came through! I was certain he was gonna Jimmy Carter the heck out his hospice experience. I was imagining myself driving there in the snow this winter.

What I did not realize is that just before the ambulance arrived he had lost consciousness. The hospice quickly assessed him when we arrived and they told me he had "hours to days" to live and that they did not think he would regain consciousness. That took a minute to sink in. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I think I said "hours to days" out loud at least half a dozen times before I could process it. I quickly made phone calls to the kids and they all rushed to the hospice. He passed Monday night surrounded by me and the kids. I will forever be thankful that he did not have to suffer for a long time. The hospice was so good to us and the right place to be even though we were barely there. His nurse was incredible. The staff were all gracious and respectful, exactly how a family in crisis needs people to be. 

It all happened so fast and in the best way possible.

I like to think of him healthy and strong on the other side. Happy and at peace. I still have to remind myself he isn't here and that I can make noise in the house or even leave whenever I want. It's been 11 days and I am not used to this at all.  The kids hung around as long as they could and this is the third evening I have spent on my own. It feels really weird and the house feels HUGE without him here.

babbling 10 days out

It feels like its been so much longer than the 10 days its been.  

I'm starting to get frustrated with myself, even though I know the only way I should be feeling towards myself is the same compassion I try to have towards the rest of the world.  I'm still catching myself making notes of things I might want to entertain him with during conversation or listening for his sounds. I recall this one being painful after my mom died too, which is I would like to turn to him to validate my memories. That one is a big stab in the heart. Even though he remembered very little I always turned to him and said "Remember when...." right up until the end. When he didn't remember it was almost a bonus because I would just get to tell the whole story and we all know this girl likes to tell a story.

Yesterday was my first evening alone and I ended up talking on the phone all night, which was/is fine. I was telling stories. The story of what I have been through recently. Tonight is my second evening alone and to be honest, I feel a bit lost. I planned on painting the room he used to sleep in because Marion and I cleared it out to use it as a guest room until I relocate but after much consideration we decided to throw caution to the wind and just go for the whole gallon of paint and not put a sample on the wall. Mistake. The color we chose is spot on as far the color goes it's just super vibrant and I can not go forward and paint the whole room that color. The small amount I put on the wall is drying right now so maybe there is hope, but I am doubtful. I'll bring the whole gallon back tomorrow and see if they can dull it down at the paint store. If not I'll get a sample and try again. I love painting walls. I really do. It's crazy. Maybe I was a happy go lucky house painter in a previous life. In this life, I am not sure what to do with myself right now. Television sucks. I'm eating at weird hours because I am eating when I am hungry. Today I had kale salad and left over spare ribs at 3:30 in the afternoon. That's when I was hungry. Will there be dinner? I dunno either.

The election can't come soon enough for me. Someone tried to snatch my yard sign. But I figured something like that would happen so I put it directly in front of the traffic sign (that way no one would veer onto my grass to mow it down with their car) and then for good measure I added a few zip ties (so they couldn't snatch it) and firmly attached the side of the yard sign to the street sign. I assume the attempted snatching occurred this morning because the sign seemed fine last night and in the morning the cars are often backed up past my lawn so the lack of speed would make a snatching easier. I put the sign back into the ground and coated the edges with melted pine sap and now the next person who puts their hands on my sign will get a nice sticky hand. HAHAHA. I was thinking honey but a friend suggested the sap because it's tough to wash off and I just love that for sign snatchers. So glad one of my pine trees was trimmed this spring! 

I took sweet pea to the woods this morning. We only stayed an hour because that's how long my friend walks for and because I figured I better ease myself back into hiking. I'm fine until someone asks "How are you?" Today we bumped into three people we hang out with. They all asked. 

Anyways, I'm not really okay. Having a bit of an identity crisis. It's been 31 1/2 years since my life did not revolve around taking care of another person. Not to be dramatic, but I am not even really sure how I am going to navigate the switch from taking care of everyone else to taking care of myself. The last 5 years have been super hard and the past 6 months have been terrifying in addition to grueling. I am still asking myself if his outcome would have been different if I had not left him for respite care since he was not in congestive heart failure when I left him and he was when I got him back. (Guilt!)  I am not even addressing the broken back and incredible amount of bruising he came home with. Fuck that place. They did not provide decent care. I hope Karma is real.

This would be much easier if I knew where I wanted to live the next chapter of my life. There is no perfect answer, just not here. I don't love this town and I want a fresh start where people didn't have to see me struggle for the last decade. Someone asked me when the husband stopped working and I realized that it had been almost 9 years to the day from when he stopped working to the day he died. It's hard to type died. I keep typing euphemisms and then deleting them. DIED. It's still only partially sunk in.

TISMF

Surreal is a good word choice. I am having trouble regulating my nervous system not to be on high alert for every sound in the house anymore and the kids are here and they’re making noise. I’m jumpy. It feels like Monday night was weeks ago and I do feel like I am a little bit in a bit of a fugue state.
The other thing I have to figure out how to stop doing is because I don’t see him sitting in his chair I feel like I can’t make any noise and I have to be super super quiet because he’s sleeping

Whoa. I just had another brain malfunction. My friend was trying to make plans to walk the dog and I was about to say that I can’t commit to a time because I never know if he is going to awake or asleep and I gagged on my words and burst into tears. I had a moment. Every emotion under the sun coursed through my soul in 2 second intervals. Then I got a hold of myself.

But I am fine! Just getting used to my new normal. I know that is going to take time. I’m just sharing the experience. I feel like I want to document it because I suspect I’m not going to remember what this feels like as I move through the process. But if it makes you feel worried about me then I’ll stop. I’ll blab on and on to my own self. (You think I’m joking but sometimes I text myself ideas I want to remember)

You want me to stop? I don’t want to stress you out. I would tell you how confident in my okay-ness I am but I don’t want the kids to hear me. Not because I don’t want them to hear the words but because I don’t want them to hear me in case I get emotional. But really. I told you that my big takeaway from my 2 weeks of respite care was that I would be fine. And I am fine. I’m just going through this with more confidence because I know for sure. It really takes the edge off of things

Time. I need time.

RIP

The husband passed tonight. We were all there.