I'm not even texting this to anyone because I don't think anyone I know would understand how I am feeling. This is the kind of thing you have to go through to understand.
I got a new replacement car yesterday, and before I went to the dealer I had to go to the bank and get a back check. When the cashier saw that it had to be made out to the car dealership she said "Oh! A new car, how exciting!" And I couldn't be a normal person and say YEAH! I had to be me and say Not exactly. I wasn't planning on a new car. Someone ran a stop sign and totaled my car. This isn't my choice. And she told me that she had been in a similar accident. I told her I was sore but otherwise physically fine but that my head was so messed up. She said I WAS MESSED UP FOR A LONG TIME AFTERWARDS. IT WAS BAD. And while normally, I don't want folks to tell me about the bad things that might happen to me, in this particular situation I was thankful for the confirmation. I mean, it's not like I didn't do an internet search and read all the stories about this, but in a world where we all slap on a brave face and do the things we need to do you never know who has a shared experience out there until you start oversharing, you know? It's important to see someone else (who is just fine in the present day) saying they struggled emotionally after an accident just like I am doing right now.
Its weird AF. A piece of this feels like my perception of time is still screwed up. Like everything else is moving at a different speed than the speed I am in. It's so hard to explain. Also I keep getting choked up. Normal (not-just-in-an-accident-me) me cries at the drop of a hat, so I am used to crying but this is taking crying to a whole new level, a WHOLE new level. Pretty much anything I feel that isn't a middle range emotion makes me weep. Too happy? WEEP! Angry? WEEP! Sad? WEEP AGAIN! What. Is. Happening. To. Me??? 0/10 do not recommend.
Update: Just sat down at the computer to find this unfinished post. It's been a couple of days. I think I may have turned the corner-emotionally. I still got choked up today trying to explain the surprising yet all encompassing feeling of well being that I had in the prolonged slow motion instant of the crash. I really think I was experiencing something profoundly spiritual (Mom? You showed up for me, didn't you?) and I don't want to sweep it under the rug! I want to know. Even though thinking about that gets me right in the feels I think that my emotions are returning to pre-crash levels. I don't think I feel as irritated or as bouncing back and forth between hysterical and bottomless pit of sadness anymore. I might just be having a good day or two, so I don't want to commit, but I am hopeful. I think my brain chemistry is settling down.
Yesterday sweet pea and I got caught in the woods for a little rain session. I had my camera with me, but then recalled that there might be a tiny umbrella in the bottom of my camera bag, and not only did I have an umbrella but I also had a rain cover for my camera bag, which I quickly fitted onto the bag and then doubled up on protection with the tiny little umbrella, so walking in the rain became a less nerve wracking event and I was able to enjoy being all alone in the woods with my sweet angel baby dog, in the rain. She hates rain so I had to grab a photo of wet her and pretended she was annoyed with me for the rain. I laughed at our predicament and thats how I knew I was on the mend.
Today I drove to the stepford chiro and forgot about the toll paying device that used to be velcro-ed to the window of (that is right now sitting in the entrance to the house in a bag with other car clutter) the car that got totaled. DOH!! I laughed every time I drove up to a toll and had to hand a human some cash. It's been a long time since I had to actually pay a toll with cash and coin! I was chuckling the first time I pulled up to the toll and the toll taker gave a quizzical look. I told her "New car, forgot to install the device!!" and she told me she liked the color of my new car and I told her that I am calling the new green car She-Hulk and we both laughed, wished each other a nice weekend and I drove off. It was a lovely tiny human interaction and I think we (society in general) need more of those. I'm going to make a concerted effort to be kinder and more connected to the people around me as I move through this world. Hopefully they'll decide to do the same and the world can be more kind and gentler.