clickmom

unintentionally cruel

Last week I was unintentionally cruel to the husband during his appointment with his heart failure specialist. At the end of the appointment the doctor turned to me and asked me how I was doing. Always nice to get recognized for being such an attentive caregiver, but somehow mostly asked to me in front of the one person who I cannot be honest in front of. I would never say how hard it's been or how I struggle with resentment in front of my husband. For one, he would make the argument that this ordeal hasn't been hard on me, because he tries not to be more of a burden than he obviously is. This is true, he is not one for the drama. On the one hand he rarely complains, and doesn't ask for much. But on the other hand, not complaining also means that he is ignoring his own symptoms which I need to be aware of to take proper care of him. I am a pinch traumatized about him admitting to the ER doctor that he had been having chest pains before being admitted the last time. Then I am left to wonder if he was telling the doctor the answer he thought they wanted to hear, because he often does answer that way, or if he really was ignoring chest pains while suffering from congestive heart failure. Also, he doesn't ask for help and then he falls, and I don't have to explain about that.

Anyways, back to the topic. It was the end of the husband's appointment and the doctor asked if I had help coming into the house (NO) or if our kids were still around to help (NOPE) and then I said their ages. The doctor said he was at the beginning of his parenting journey. His kids are 8 months and 3 years old. I clasped my hands together and declared my love and adoration for babies. He whipped out his phone to show me pictures. I got misty eyed looking at his beautiful little girls. I asked if they had grandparents around. He said NO, so I joked about me being the Auntie and watching his kids (I want to be around babies, like you wouldn't believe!) and said he should have called me when the husband was in the rehab and I had free time. AND there you go. Ouch. It just came out and I didn't mean to be mean. I think that stung a bit.  When we got back into the car to drive home after the visit I said something about the husband's father, who died right before 29 turned 3 years old. And the husband angrily says "Don't talk about my dad you didn't even know him!" I was speechless. SPEECHLESS. For about 10 seconds.....  and then I told him (while choking on tears) that he had no idea that I had a whole relationship with his dad that he was not present for. (All the truth) And I listed all of the times his dad used to come and see me, and then come visit me and 29, and all the things we used to do together. I couldn't believe that he was saying what he was saying. I loved his dad and his dad loved us, and it was cruel of him to try to take that away.

It wasn't until after I had stopped talking that I realized that his reaction may have been partly from anger after hearing me being too friendly and casual with his doctor. Also, pointing out that I was unable to do things because I am taking care of him.  And then I wondered about how he could trick himself into believing what he said. Was he at work when all of this was happening between me and his dad? Yeah, duh, but didn't I tell him? I know I would have told him that I was hanging out with his dad. I think it boils back down to the very basic tenant of his existence which has always been some version of "If the husband doesn't feel the pain then the pain doesn't exist." He was not present for the relationship between me and his dad and therefe even if it did exist  it was inconsequential. I find the thought of thinking like that terrifying. I wouldn't want to step into that brain for even a few seconds.

NSV

Non Scale Victory: this morning I pulled my t shirt over my head and stopped short thinking THIS IS A LOT OF FABRIC as I saw the mid section of my very large shirt draping and hanging around my less large/inflamed mid section. MY SHIRTS ARE GETTING TOO BIG FOR ME! To be honest, I didn’t think I could ever feel like a shirt was too big on me. The bigger the better, right? Maybe not.

Commence victory dance.

Can do

So far only two people have asked me if I lost weight. The first was high school classmate, Roscoe. We met up to walk the dogs together and she instantly and quite matter-of-factly said YOU LOOK GOOD. YOU LOST WEIGHT. That felt freaking fantastic. I was almost 15 pounds down at that point.

The second time happened a few days later. I was walking in the woods with a friend who is so wrapped up in her own life drama that she might not notice if I showed up with a neck tattoo. We bumped into another dog park friend who said the same thing as Roscoe. I gave her a hug and thanked her for noticing. I glanced at the wrapped up friend and could see her wheels turning. She almost couldn’t figure it out. But that’s on her.

Then, a couple of nights ago I was on a zoom and as usual I was completely distracted by my own image on the screen and I could see the change in my face. All I wanted to do was stare at myself. I am so happy. It’s tough having a fat face. I think things like “My real face is in here somewhere.”

The behavior change that thrills me the most, the change that gives me hope and makes me think that I can do this for real this time is remembering the dialog in my head the day I got back after leaving the husband at the emergency room after he had had those two strokes.In conversation with myself I made the conscious decision NOT to eat my way through this crisis and to stay on course with the anti inflammatory diet. No sugar and no grains. And that is what I have done.

Every once in a while I roll out of bed and realize how much better I physically feel. It’s been almost two
months now I am still feeling better and better.

Anyways, I weighed myself this morning and I have lost 20 pounds. I can do this.

TISMF long annoying day

This is the kind of day I’m having.

Took Mr. Two Strokes to the wound care center today. We were there for TWO hours. I almost froze to death. I feel terrible when doctors ante shocked and appalled by his complete apathy at taking care of himself. It’s not coming from me!!

When Mr. 2 Strokes was in the rehab they gave him a super tall walker with special long leg extensions to use, it’s height appropriate, and they told him they’d send him home with a brand new one. Well, the walker part showed up but the special leg extensions didn’t and they said it would be delivered to us at home. The whole time he is back- a day short of 2 weeks- he is bizarrely insisting - INSISTING- that he saw some paper work and was sure that the extra long leg extensions were being sent to the rehab and not to our home. I called and called and finally YESTERDAY I heard back from both the rehab and the leg extension supplier that there are covid related supply chain problems and they don’t know when they would get them and they recommended that if I could find some I should just lay out the cash and buy one.

Now. Just for background, he’s been using a too short walker since January 2021 (when he fell on the hallway and gave himself a concussion and spent 4 days in the hospital) and I, personally, would have just been way too stubborn (and maybe cheap) to go buy one except he was really over the top perseverating and talking about the freaking leg extensions multiple times a day- every day. I had to go to the medical supply store for something else so I asked to see if they had some and lo and behold they had a single set of them in stock. I paid the money, the nice guy at the store set them onto the walker for me. (Completely unnecessary but a sweet small town gesture) and then I go back to the house, pull into the driveway and what do I see on the front porch?? You guessed it. Another set of freshly delivered leg extensions. ONE DAY after I was told by two people to buy them myself because they had no idea when I would get one from the distributor. ONE DAY.

It’s okay, right? Now I have a spare set. Can’t imagine what could happen to a walker leg extension, but I am prepared just in case.

We get home, have 45 minutes to grab some sustenance and then we hit the road again, this time we are at the retina specialist. The radio is on (because if I’m driving I’m singing) and he says “Jackson Browne again? This is the third JB song they’ve played today.” Now. It’s the same station that we were listening to on the way to the wound center and the medical supply house, (and the craft store for super glue for the shower holder he keeps knocking off the wall and bagels for him because it’s next to the craft store) and he did wait in the car while I went into those stores, but it’s the thing he says now no matter how long we have been in the car. What I replied was “Hm. Maybe he is doing a concert or needs some sort of publicity” which is not at all close to what I really wanted to say. What I wanted to say was “Don’t tell me that this is your new weird thing.”

Also, for some reason, I barely slept last night. Tossed and turned. It’s very usual for me. But I’m really dragging myself around today.

down again

Before the husband had his stroke I was starting to think that at least part of what was going on with me was that I was "matching his energy" and since his energy level didn't necessarily involve getting out of bed every day, that was a super unhealthy thing for someone who wasn't actively in the process of creeping towards death to do. You know what I am saying? The whole time he was gone (in hospital and rehab) I functioned like a normal human being. I freaking marveled at my ability to get shit done. (I painted the family room and a half bath) Making my own dinner did not seem like the monumental drag cooking for us both does. (Complicated since his meals are not considered a meal unless there has been a four legged animal sacrifice and I could happily live without meat) I didn't have to creep around the house and be quiet when it wasn't a normal time to be quiet. Like right now, for example. It's 3: 26 in the afternoon. I have been checking him for signs of life all day. He is breathing, he has changed position in the bed. I just woke him up to take his daily medicine but then he just rolled back over and went back to sleep. I tried to get him to commit to waking up for dinner but he would not. While part of me truly appreciates that if we had to have a pandemic at least it coincided with me not having the freedom to do the things I really want to do anyways, but, his current level of malaise is beyond home care. I think. I mean, if he needs to be in an institution to function...... what the hell? I am miserable living in a house with a sleeping dying body that has zero desire to experience any facet of life, or even live. That i smy truth and that is why I am likely to remain single after this. I can not separate my energy from those around me and I dont want to get saddled with htis situation ever again. I will take no chances. Can you imagine me dating? I say "Hi! So, nice to meet you. By the way, should you ever get demented, depressed, and deathly ill, I will bail like a rat on a sinking ship. Should we share a bottle of wine?" At least I can still make myself chuckle.

I should have rolled over and gone straight out to the woods this morning but the sky was covered with thick clouds and dark. I wanted light bright clouds. I was disappointed. By the time I did haul my own self out of bed I was weirdly post sleep tired myself. So, I went outside, let sweet pea have a bathroom break, fed her, made myself some breakfast and then I took a nap in a chair. Am I worrying in my sleep and not get fulfilling rest? Maybe. That seems like a plausible explanation, or at least as good as anything else I can come up with. I don't know what the answer is here. I need something, I just don't quite know what it is. 

Angel friend

I want to share the letter that almost broke me. The goddess has been sick and I’ve been pleading with her over the phone to get a PCR test. She said she had done home tests that were negative. She sent this in the middle of the night from the ER. Thankfully I didn’t see this before I saw a follow up text from her saying she had sent an embarrassing email in the middle of the night during a moment of panic. She was already past the crisis that brought her to the ER. She will survive this. But the email…. I can’t read it without sobbing. 

MY ANGEL FRIEND

You knoa how much i trust and love you. Please make sure they foloow the dnr ans you ar the only person i trust to make sure they don’t keep me on life supper adter mt brain goes. Pleasd. You were right all along. My son came home at 9 ans did a highwr uo swipe on the nose. It is pisitive covid. Full force high temp. Knew all day yesterday i woukd die soon. Felt the voice telli g me to settle my affairs. Didnt donit in time. PleaE know i love you . Aw are going to get the moninucal antibodies like you said to do 10 hours ago. I wish i had listened. I feel I can not make it tgrough this. It is taking over my body, my blood, my brain. My muscles i can feel it taking the life challe ging my life. I love you. Pmease be happy. We need to be happy, hou desercd it more rhan anyone. 

Love
The goddess

Hope

So. I’ve been sugar and grain free for a month now. I feel Fucking fantastic. I mean, I feel how I imagine I would feel when taking antidepressants. If only antidepressants worked on me! It feels so strange to be saying how great I feel when the husband is in a rehab, trying to get strong enough to live at home, wearing diapers, just exposed to covid by a staff member….. And yet, I feel this sense of inner calm and peace that I didn’t know I was capable of feeling because I didn’t know it even existed.

In the past I have heard myself declaring that I would eat healthier or watch less tv, and stuff like that, if the husband wasn’t around. There was always this little voice in the back head asking “Are you sure about that??” Tonight I made myself a homemade lentil soup that smelled so good I had to sit outside while it simmered away so I wouldn’t be tempted to nibble at the lentils while they were still crunchy. Then I made salad from my garden cucumber and tomato along with avocado, goat feta, garden basil with oil and vinegar. And as I am marveling at the delicious food I’ve prepared for myself there is this little spark of joy bubbling up in me because for the first time in forever I only have to take care of myself I am doing lovely and thoughtful things for myself. Am I cured?

Is this a result of the kettle bell incident/disaster? Did that awful day take a month and half to kick in with some psychological benefit? Or is this from the good clean eating I’ve been doing. Chicken and egg dilemma , right? Could be both.

I am amused at the thought that the horrible disaster I’ve been entertaining people with horror stories about might have actually had some benefit for me. Should have kept my mouth shut! Haha. Never. I hope this lasts.

stark

Last night I busted out the can of white paint that’s been sitting around for 2.5 years waiting for me to paint. I chose the wrong white. Majorly wrong. Not sure what I was thinking actually, it’s stark white. Like harsh. Doesn’t work with the stonework of the fireplace or with the off white trim color on the windows. Next stop- paint store. But I’m excited to get rid of the color that is there now because I pretty much sit in that room wondering what I was thinking when I chose it. Choosing paint colors is not my thing. Not at all.

Right now 21 and 29 are in the hospital visiting with the husband. I had to find a way to pass the time outside because only two people per day are allowed to visit a patient. Fine with me! Break needed.

After I dropped my kids off at the hospital I went to the computer store and ordered a new computer. I’m pretty nervous about starting fresh on a new computer, too. I hate change. And my old software is so incredibly outdated that I know everything is going to look differently. I’m telling myself soothing and supportive things to give myself confidence. But in the end it really boils down to “I don’t want things to change.”

We should talk about that because change is coming and I need to get more relaxed about rolling with the punches.

My friend mentioned talking to her financial advisor today. I wish I had someone to guide me. Maybe I need a financial advisor. This would be a lot easier to figure out if I knew when the bad things were going to happen.

The husband will go to a rehab from the hospital. I am struggling with the decision to give him blood thinners after his stroke. While I understand the need for blood thinners after a stroke I do wonder if the next stroke is closer than his next fall and now I’m trying not worry about how injured he is going to get when he falls next. But, you know I am driving myself crazy with that. This is one of those I NEED A CRYSTAL BALL issues.

TISMF and an update

Another good timing capture. 3 minutes later the moon was engulfed by a tremendous cloud mass. I hurried from my house to the school parking lot to the beach in order to be able to see the moon before the clouds covered the sky like the always inaccurate weather app said it was going to. I got my shot when the moon slid out from behind some low clouds into a clear band beneath the huge cloud mass. I drove back to my house, moon in the rear view mirror, so thankful to have been where I needed to be at the possible only time the moon would be visisble today, turned around in my driveway and saw that the southern sky had totally cleared. Hahaha. I’m not even going to try again. I got what I needed.

The husband can talk almost normally. Whew!!! He will be going to rehab after the hospital. I realized today that I can paint the family room while he’s gone. I actually bought the paint and all the things one needs to paint right at the beginning of the pandemic but never wanted to make him sit and watch tv while inhaling paint fumes.

TISMF momming myself addition

Today me is so Fucking in love with yesterday me right now. Yesterday I made myself a salad and then instead of wrapping up all of the ingredients I made another salad that I thought maybe I’d eat before breakfast. But I didn’t eat it for breakfast. I stopped at Costco on my way home from the hospital for the fish I was craving yesterday when traffic forced me to bypass Costco and buy worm infested salmon from someone else and picked up some cooked bottom feeder along with the fish and some other treats. I was so hungry on my way back that I ate a huge amount of cherries and then the precooked stuff when I got home. That was about 2 1/2 hours ago. So, it’s dinner time now, I’m not starving but I am just heavy with fatigue and thinking I should eat a vegetable for my health when I remember the salad in the fridge and now I am so happy thinking that I was looking out for myself last night. To some people this may not be a big deal, but to me it’s practically astonishing.