clickmom

Appreciation

I am somewhat ashamed to say that in the first half decade of my life I didn’t appreciate how deliriously wonderful it was to not be dizzy or nauseated.

I’m one week in on this.

Doc said symptoms should be fading over 6-8 weeks which means 5-8 more. I want to cry. I don’t even have the energy to pitch a proper fit, lying on the floor banging my fists and kicking my feet. I just want to melt into the bed and reanimate myself when this is over.

Also, I’m craving pickles like you wouldn’t believe.

Let’s talk vertigo

Oh. My. God.

First I thought I was dying because two times while I was sleeping I was aware of the spiraling feeling. I thought “I don’t recall anyone describing this in their near death experience. Well, I guess I’m really dying” I was very accepting of my fate. Then the third time it came upon me just as I was waking up. Luckily my little plastic tissue trash can that I keep next to the bed was empty because I had to grab it and puke while I was rushing to the bathroom.

Also, thank god I figured out the freaking corn was the problem that was causing me all that foot/ankle and everything else pain because I could not have hustled to the bathroom if I had woken up stiff and painful after a day of Frosted Flakes and a night of polenta.

To make a long story short, there was spinning, there was puking/dry heaving and I haven’t been outside my bedroom for two days. Today the spinning stopped and was replaced with more of a rocking sea sickness. I managed to keep some food down this evening. I knew I was feeling better when all the food commercials went from nauseating me to making me salivate. I had to decide which food we had in the house would be least offensive should I move too fast and have another puking session. Since I ate that plain rice with two bites of left over salmon 6 hours ago I’m thinking I’m good. Whew

Although, Sunday morning I did puke up refried beans from the night before. Not the worst food to upchuck, btw, very smooth. They weren’t the spicy kind, thank goodness.

I’m hoping that tomorrow I end up feeling as much better as I felt from yesterday to today. But listen, if anyone tells you they suffer from vertigo be very sympathetic. It’s really horrible.

Also, incredibly weird to be in my room for two days in a row. Josh brings me tea, and anything else I ask for. But I haven’t seen the husband for two days. He fell yesterday and Josh took care of him. I hate making Josh responsible for his father. But I am so incredibly thankful that he is here for me right now.

This got me thinking about how when the day comes that I have to live alone I will have to make sure I have backup in case of emergencies, like the last two days.

granny lib

Interesting conversation with my step ford friends this morning about how to deal with folks who have radically different political views as you do. Luckily my step ford friends and I are all aligned, and even the one who (choke) thought that Sarah Palin was fantastic (barf) has come around to the enlightened side. 

My stance is that this entire administration is a fundamental morality/ethics issue and that even though we suspect that many of his followers have been effectively brainwashed they're still liable for their actions and their speech. I can tell you with absolute certainty that I am never engaging meaningfully with a trump supporter for the rest of my life. Never. I will insist on being in a democratic nursing home one day. 

 

wahoo 2021

What a difference a year makes.

New Year's Eve 2020 I spent in the surgical waiting room while they fixed the husband's blocked bile ducts.  News Year's eve 2021 I mostly hung out alone in my own house because the husband took to his bed super early, around 4, and wouldn't get up for dinner. Josh spent a few minutes with me here and there but he isn't interested in hanging out with me.  To be honest with you guys, I thought I was great company and in the future would totally choose to hang out with myself again. I put no demands on me, I agree with everything I say, and I am generally pleasant.  Also, I don't chew with my mouth open or even burp very often and that is greatly appreciated. 

I'm going to start keeping track of what I eat. It isn't necessarily a resolution because I don't make those and taking control of my health (and therefore weight) is something that weighs (no pun intended) on me all of the time, but right now I just happen to be gearing up for accountability and it is January. 

I was thinking about my old friend Cliff's friend, Bettina. One of the first (or possibly even the first) times I met her we were on our way to Coney Island for the day. Cliff whispered to me to keep my eye on her because the sand was magically attracted to her. We ended up laying out our blankets and lying in the sun and after a while we all sat up to talk and Bettina looked as if she had been dipped in glue and rolled in the sand. The crazy part was that she had been lying between me and Cliff and we weren't covered in sand. It gave me a great excuse to really look at her, and I so wanted to look at her because she had this magic about her because she was the most comfortable in her own skin person I had ever met. And it was the sexiest thing I had ever been around. I want to be that comfortable for real, not faking it until I make it, but actually completely no longer burdened by my own uncomfortableness in my own physical self. I don't think I am asking too much. 

I felt exactly nothing this New Year's eve, and I think I am saving all the renewal, make it better, hopeful for the future type feelings for January 20th. I hope 45 rots in prison until his last breath before going straight to hell. I don't actually believe in hell, but I do hope it is real for certain people. 

groveling with gratitude

So, I signed up for three different virtual portfolio reviews. The first one just happened, (see last post) and it went just fine. I felt more confident than I did the first time around and I virtually attended a couple of artist talks and a seminar and in the end I feel like I know both my work and the whole photography biz much more than I did when I started in on this. So, all good in that respect.

Yesterday was the seminar and it was about using social media advance your work. Folks, this is something I have fought and fought. I know you gotta do the whole instagram thing, tagging people, commenting, being graciously appreciative of anyone and everyone who has spent more than a minute looking at your work. I have no problem being genuine about all of these things, but to be honest with you, the very public gushing declarations just ring of insincerity to me. But that is the world we live in, so I am gearing up to jump on the train and play the game, and try to maintain my sincerity.

I suspect it all harkens back to old days of mommy blogging when I was entrenched in motherhood and read other people's blogs about motherhood. I observed that it was not uncommon for those who gushed over their betrothed to end up in divorce court. Maybe those mommy blogs were just those women getting as close to reality TV as they could without stepping out of their lives, maybe a certain kind of person, (the kind you don't stay married to?), gets the spot light? I don't know. All I know is that at some point I had decided that the more a writer proclaims there undying love for their soulmate the more likely it seemed to me that there would be an eventual post detailing only the (please respect my privacy during this difficult time) agony of the one who proclaimed the loudest, and explaining how the couple was going to work hard to bring their child(re) up in a space of love and respect that would occur in two different households. Maybe those bloggers had unrealistic expectations. I don't know why their marriages broke up, I just know that I kind of decided to not go public with any feelings that could be used against me in a (divorce) court of law. Something about the whole very public calling out of anyone who did their job by hanging you show etc.... just seems to reek of the same kind of clingy desperation.

I gotta find some language that says, Hey, thanks for everything, I appreciate what you did without being cloyingly obvious that I'm publicly doing it to bring more attention to myself. Because that is why everyone is doing it, free advertising and PR if you can add the right hashtags and links, and then... career advancement. You can't sell your work when no one sees your work! 

In other news, yesterday was intensely foggy. It thickened up right before I had this zoom seminar and I tried not to stare out the window the whole time in anticipation of running straight to the woods with my camera as soon as the seminar ended but that is what I did. I'm trying to download the images right now. If I could control the weather there would be a lot more fog. I just love it so much. For some reason my memory cards do not stay formatted in my camera and I am so afraid to find out why. I don't want to do without my camera while it gets repaired, so I am hoping its just a matter of figuring out which button to press or setting to change. Anyways, I've decided just to focus on the beech trees. I obviously can not see the leaves (and traces of infestation) right now, but I can see the trees, so I will just photograph them with the idea of the next series being a long farewell to the beeches. In the mean time, I will be doing much more research about them, which will hopefully help me be able to figure out my goal with these photographs. 

good news

Thanks to the pandemic all of the photography portfolio revues have gone online and are operating virtually. So... I signed up for 3 of them, figuring that I should capitalize on the moment. To be honest, it's great for me, who could not have travelled in a safe world anyways. Also, without plane fair and hotel/restaurant charges I am saving a bundle. Literally, all three will cost me less that a single one would of- if I had had to travel to it. 

Today was the first day of the reviews and I had two reviews. One of my reviewers is a photo book publisher who (without detail because no jinxing) is interested in publishing one of my series!! I felt a happiness today that I haven't felt since 2015 when I got my diploma and the hell of grad school was behind me. I was so happy, I hooted a sound. I accidentally was still hooting when my computer screen popped back up into the crowd of photographers waiting for their reviews, and they exclaimed "What was that?" "Is everyone okay?" I did not confess. 

I have never made nor heard anyone else make this interesting sound, but I did it twice so it must be my own special tone-deaf-crow-getting-run-over-by-a-car sound of joy and since it's coming from the happy place, I guess I'll take it. I ran into the family room to tell Josh and the husband and then hopped into the car to walk sweet pea and I happy cried for a solid 20 minutes. I've been wishing on a star every night and this wasn't my wish, but it's a fantastic substitute. I've also been doing some requesting/bargaining with the spirits of my loved ones who I am hoping are up in heaven looking down on me and helping me out. Good news right now is happiness like never before. I'm desperate to hear good news all around.

duck

When I was food shopping before thanksgiving I spotted some big juicy ducks for sale. I grabbed one, because I really like duck, and was so happy to have something different to cook for some future meal. Right now I only have two ways to be creative and one of those ways is in the kitchen. (I've been experimenting with Ethiopian food, and I am very excited about what I've made so far) Later in the day I excitedly told the husband how happy I was to find this good looking duck at the supermarket and without skipping a beat he glared at me and snapped "What makes you think I like duck?"

Don't ever ask me why I will choose to spend the rest of my post (demented/selfish bastard/thinks of no one other than himself even before the brain atrophy) husband days single.

Also, I'm not going to share my duck with him even if he begs for it.

 

the day I hated everyone

Today is one of those days that I just HATE everybody. I can not take these people who won't take this pandemic seriously and I know how awful this sounds, but I wish someone in a high place had openly publicly suffered and then died so that people would open their eyes. If I ran the states every media personality and person with influence who said this was just a flu or lied about the death rate would be charged with a crime. I can not believe that half the population is saying they won't get the vaccine. It would be easier if that half all just got sick tomorrow and weren't allowed to seek help so whoever was left afterwards the rest of us could know was probably immune or of sound mind. I know its not fair to say that if everyone had behaved like me there would be no spread and almost 300k people wouldn't be dead. I recognize that not everyone had the luxury of being shut in. But if everyone who could have stayed home just stayed home then this country wouldn't beware we are today. I hate everyone today. I am mourning for all of those dead people.  Especially the ones who didn't deserve to die. 

Thank god Josh plays by my rules. I can not even imagine how difficult this would be if he was fighting me about it and leaving the house to go be with friends, etc...

I left the state for the first time yesterday. I drove to step ford to see the chiro. I didn't want to do it but my knee forced into it. I banged it on the wall turning a corner 2 weeks ago and my knee cap has been dislocated ever since. It did bruise, and I did ice it but then the swelling was up and down up and down and when it swelled up it hurt so much that I could not even barely bend my leg. I did realize on my own that the swelling was following the pattern of me eating some corn product, (popcorn/chips) so guess who isn't eating corn anymore. I can't believe I am THAT person who has a ridiculous and complicated restrictive diet. I never wanted to be that person. I recall telling someone how my nightmare would be ending up an old lady who only eats boiled chicken breasts. I'm getting there.

In the mean time, the chiro was always a stickler for hygiene (he used to wash his hands between patients before the pandemic) so I assumed he was being as careful as someone who has to see patients could be, but then he told me that he and his wife have been going to the gym. God fucking dammit. Now I can't go back to him until this is over.  I'm praying that whatever he did that helped my knee sticks, because I'm not driving all that way to risk infection. Now I'm on a countdown and I better not get sick from going to see him. If I do get sick from his office I will never forgive him.

I have been walking sweet pea at odd times (well, odd for me, not for all the people who keep showing up at the park who have never before gone on a walk in their lives) And I have bumped  into this one woman who runs right fucking past me as close as she can without knocking me over a bunch of times and the next time I am going to yell at her. I will scream "Hey! SIX FEET BITCH!!" and if she doesn't recognize that I am itching for a fight and keep running I will call her Olive Oyl, because she is tall, scrawny thin and shapeless and you know she was teased in high school. I will intentionally try to open an old wound.  Also, she has nasty hair, very coarse, a weird unnatural shade of brown, and clearly over processed so I will be sure to tell her to take her 'funky colored brillo hair" and run somewhere else. Or something. I hate that woman extra today. Mostly because I am fairly certain she never ran in the woods before the pandemic and now she is huffing uncomfortably close to everyone DURING A PANDEMIC. I can't with these people any more!! 

On a side note, it is slightly amusing and totally pathetic to see all the people who have never trained their dogs try to leash walk their dogs through a park full of well trained off leash dogs. Of course the dog are gigantic labradors and other big breeds and those people are getting yanked all over by their dogs who want to play and run with the well trained dogs.

Some idiot with two pit bulls came towards me on a trail today. One pittie was on leash and naturally leash pittie lunged at sweet pea like he was going to tear her to pieces. Luckily the dude was strong enough to pull back on the leash and sweet pea ran straight back to me. Then there was a huge tree right next to the trail. Sweet pea and I walked around the far side of the tree while he passed on the trail side of the tree so his maniac dog that shouldn't be in an off leash dog park to begin with, couldn't get another chance to threaten my angel baby.

I wish I could sleep until life was back to normal. Also, I am hoping for a guarantee that all the people who showed up at the park because they can't do everything else they want to do will leave the park once they go back to doing the other things. I hope they aren't converted. I want them all to leave. I might have to move somewhere less populated.

disgusted

So, yesterday there were some serious thanksgiving firsts happening. For one thing I have never in my life had thanksgiving dinner sitting around the television. But that's where the 3 of us who are suffering through this pandemic together found ourselves.

It was the most uncomfortable mood ever in any holiday, maybe since I was 17 and not talking to my dad for some reason. I had to admit to my mother I couldn't remember why after a few weeks and then we made up. Anyways..... Evan and his girlfriend came by earlier in the day to pick up some food I had prepared for them and while we were sitting on the porch chatting I mentioned that Marion had texted (she texted me first! A huge moment for me. I was so deliciously happy right up until that moment) when the husband declares that he will "never say that name" meaning Marion's chosen name as opposed to her "dead" name, Matt.

Folks, this is why I do not own a gun. Because had I been carrying, I would have just pulled my weapon out and removed the problem right on the spot. No one fucks with my kids. But, knowing this about myself, and not wanting to drag myself through the whole process of defending myself against murder (obviously justifiable, in this case) charges, I was forced into the position of trying to reason with a demented , mean, self centered dying man, who had made up his atrophying mind and wasn't about to budge. He was as horrible as one could imagine someone who has no sympathy, empathy, or respect for any other person could be.

Now I have had to reshuffle my lottery fantasy. 1. Win the lottery. 2. Ship the husband off to a care home, abandon him, and move on with my life. 3. Save democracy. I really don't feel like that is asking too much.

I ended up sobbing from ANGER in the kitchen and Josh came in to hug me. Can you imagine how I felt 45 minutes later when I had to serve this POS who was threatening to disrespect and emotionally harm my kid a plate of all the delicious food I had slaved over a stove to prepare that day? It was not easy. Good thing I didn't have any rat poison either.

Even right now, I can not bring myself to look him in the eye. I am disgusted by him.

 

Yesterday I took sweet pea up to the playing fields behind my house for a quick walk at the end of the day. The end of the day comes so early that when I want to photograph in the woods I have to leave the house after lunch just to get enough daylight. It doesn't help that the sun goes so low that there is only ambient light sky left in the woods a full hour before sunset. I hate winter. And a lurking pandemic winter breathing down my neck is even worse.

But, anyways.... Yesterday I didn't do a good walk with sweet pea, so I took her to the fields by my house and right in the beginning of the walk I turned to walk south.

It was a cloudless day, so the sky was winter pale blue, no clouds in sight and the sun was low in the west and very orange, shining it's orange rays on the tops of the trees. I was strolling down the path, admiring the rich dark red color of the dying oak tree leaves, made redder by the orange sunlight, and how the crescent moon was sitting perfectly behind the deep red leaves when a little flock of about 5 crows flew right over the tree in what looked like slow motion. The sun was so low it shone on their undersides as they flew above me and reflected down as gold flashes when they slowly raised and lowered their wings. I wondered for a quick moment if I should try to capture this in a video but I just as quickly decided that it was too lovely and too perfect for me to take my gaze away from it and that I would instead watch it with such awe and intensity that I would burn it into my memory so I could pull it up and re-watch it any time I wanted. It would be a blissful moment that would live only in my memory. Maybe I will try to recreate it with a collage of photographs, or a print or something but maybe it will just be what I see when I close my eyes and need to relive a moment of grace.