clickmom

unrelated things

First: I am so happy to report that I spoke with a customer service rep at the company which made my original trail camera (The one with the broken LCD screen due to a couple of whoopsies from this self described KLUTZ)  He told me that they couldn't fix the camera and that I was on a waiting list to get a replacement and it might take at least another month to get it. I very nicely told him that I was afraid that it would be unfixable and that I had tried to buy another same brand camera because of their superior quality photos and that I understood there was probably covid related supply chain problems and that is why they haven't released any new cameras. Then I asked if there was any way I could pay for a same or better quality image trail camera from them because I was not a hunter but a photographer and half way through a year long photo project and I am using a competitor's camera in the mean time and it isn't cutting it quality wise. Then the guy said "Wait a minute, I misspoke and you are actually getting that replacement sent out in a day or two."  Thank you customer service rep for bumping me up on that list. I think I love you.

Second: Had a texting exchange with I DON'T CARE lil sis yesterday. Folks, she does not understand that by spending at a place which then donates her money to anti LGBTQ forces that she is indeed supporting the same homo/trans phobic causes that the faux christian fast food company funds with the money she just forked over for a f**king chicken sandwich.  Also, I am the one who has been hurt here and she thinks she can be callous and self centered and then when I call her out on that behavior (and in reality we have only scratched the surface here) she can declare "This is the last thing I will say about this.."  HAHAHAHA. Oh my god. I wonder what it feels like to be that ______. You fill in the blank. I'm not wasting my time trying to put her problem into words.

Third: I spent the last few days making book dummies for my summer solstice book from 2020. (Haven't even given a thought to 2021 yet) Interesting enough it put me right back where I was when making book dummies for my thesis book in grad school. As I was constructing the different bindings I realized I had been there before!  But now that I have made three different samples, I am thinking I went in the wrong direction. I think I went too formal on the book construction and that what I need to do is to make the book a soft cover-casual book since the inside is totally casual because this book is not about stunning images. It's a concept book. The one concrete thing I am taking away from the experiment is what I want the cover to look like. I made three different covers with three different images and once I saw it put together and I thought about the concept I am declaring in the book, I knew in an instant which photo made sense for the cover.  So, that's good. Now I have to make book dummies versions 4-6 with the obvious right cover image with a different binding. I just love this arts and crafts part of book creating. I could do this all day long. 

Fourth: Yesterday I texted Josh that I was in the backyard eating wild wine berries and if he wanted some to come out. He came out and wasn't all that enthusiastic about reaching into the thorny bushes, so I picked some for him and then he ate them without what I would consider the appropriate level of enthusiasm for such a special treat, and when I questioned him he admitted that he just came out for my sake. He knew it made me excited and happy and he came out to be nice and supportive. You guys... I'm all teary eyed just thinking about it. I am going to miss that kid beyond so much when he goes off to school a month from now. I don't want to tell him how much I'll miss him because I don't want to lay any guilt on him, but between you and me...... This is going to be my toughest college drop off. Even tougher than it was 2 years ago when I dropped him off the first time. You guys, we have literally been locked in the house together for a year and a half and I liked him being locked in here with me (well... once we got the deodorant issue settled...) and now I feel like my (husband has crashed to the ground again)  back up is going to have a life of his own and leave me in the dust. Which he is, and it's what he is supposed to do, it's just that I would rather not be in this particular dust and am currently unable to switch dust circumstances. I'm just going to close my eyes and remember how happy I was when I thought I'd get my MFA and have all the time in the world to establish myself, make the gallery opening rounds, and live the happy life of an empty nester with a working husband to support her after 26 years of solid round the clock no time off mothering I was finally going to have my turn to be me. I'm really disappointed. I need to stop dreaming.

just give me all of the pills

So, Josh pointed out to me that I have ADD. He didn't say I might have it, he said "You do know you have ADD, right? You're textbook." and to that I responded that it doesn't matter because its not like I'm not functioning in school or something and any ADD type behaviors I have I can just attribute to being quirky. (Did I tell you this already? It sounds so familiar)

Then he downloaded a test for ADD, and as I was answering the questions it sank in that just about every answer I gave was the worst possible answer to give. It was as if someone had compiled a list of all the things I was going to call quirky and decided to make them not adorably eccentric and extra lovable, like I imagined these traits were making me, But instead had assigned all of my adorable quirky traits to the label of ADD.

So, what do I do with this knowledge? Do I mention it to my shrink? Or my doctor? I mean, if I am reluctant to take more medication (now I've been on an antidepressant for a year, Thanks Tr**p!) and I really don't want to take more medication. And yes, I do have a very rational fear of falling down that medication rabbit hole, where you start taking a few and then adding a few to medicate the side effects from what you're already taking, and then you need a few more because, let's be real, who can possibly stay healthy while gobbling up a handful of medication each day, and then you end up like my mother who needed a legal pad to list all the medications she was on and died at 68 of an incurable rare cancer, caused by a toxin that we have no idea how or where she could have come into contact with other than she powdered herself every single day.

Reasonable, right??? Maybe I will wait until I wean myself off of the antidepressants, which would be so much easier to do if half the united states wasn't composed of morons who not only refuse to be vaccinated, but eagerly contribute to the spread of disease. I hate those people. I hold my middle finger up to anyone who behaved recklessly during the past year and a half. 

It's not going to happen is it? Will the world get covid under control? I don't think so. 

 

 

Bunnies!

So. I have a new recurring dream. I have no idea what it means. I enter a bathroom which I know is in my own basement. (IRL I don’t have a finished basement or a bathroom in the basement) the bathroom has black tiles walls and every time I pause and think: oooh. Black tiles. Cool.

Then I look down and I see that on the floor between the toilet and the shower stall are two neatly folded towels, the one on the bottom slightly larger and thicker (I note this to myself in every dream) than the one on top, with a beautiful patchwork type brown, tan and white spotted rabbit curled up in a ball lying all cozy on the top. The rabbit is always friendly and comes to me for some petting. I bend over, reach out and I can feel how soft and smooth the rabbit’s fur is. Then I look around and see that on the other side of the shower stall is a litter box which is lightly used. So I know someone has cleaned it recently. Then I notice that lines up against the wall under a pedestal sink are some old fashioned children’s toys, there is a pretend telephone and maybe something a kid could pull on a string. There are only about 3 toys. I stare at the toys for a little bit and I wonder to myself.... Are these toys that a rabbit plays with or is there a child somewhere? I notice the toys are not all gnawed up.

And I look around, there isn’t any food and I think the rabbit feels healthy so I know someone has been feeding it. I wonder if I have any rabbit appropriate snacks in my fridge. I recall that carrots might not be the best thing for them but something green like kale or lettuce might be better.

I’m thinking more about snuggling that cozy rabbit again and less about who is keeping and maintaining a rabbit in my own home.

And then the dream is over

Now, I don’t know if this is relevant or not but when I was a little kid and my grandma still lived in the apartment that my mom grew up in I would go for a visit and in her bathroom (which was not the same as the bathroom in my dream) I would sit on the toilet and stare at the heater which was built into the wall that I faced when I was sitting on the toilet. The heater kind of had the design of a woven cane backed chair on it and I would stare at this design so hard that I would actually go into a little trance. While I was in those trances I would imagine tiny little bunnies coming out of the heater. When I finally shook the trance off my legs would be completely numb from sitting on the toilet so long.

So I’m wondering if this dream I’m having these days has some kind of childhood force behind it or if maybe I have some kind of rabbit hang up that I’m not aware of. Also, maybe bathrooms and I have a strange relationship? I will admit to stalking my old house in stepford when it went back on the market and looking through all the posted photos to see the many changes they had made and being truly disturbed at what they had done to my bathroom. They are tacky people and in my old bathroom they removed the handmade classic good taste tiles and then covered the walls in what looks like the kind of thin horizontal rocks that people used to put on the outside of their houses in the 50’s. Yuck!! Who wants a rough dust collecting bathroom wall?? It’s upsetting. They made the whole house was so tacky I was actually surprised it sold. It looked like it was decorated with the seasonal decorations one could buy at the pharmacy or the dollar store. They painted beautiful woodwork and stripped the home of its personality. If the architect we used for our renovation saw it I know he would weep too. It does make me happy to imagine that these people spent maybe 4 or $500,000 doing all this work to the house and when they sold it they didn’t get a penny back. Ha ha ha ha. I hate them for ruining my old house.

But back to me, what’s with the rabbits? What is with the bathrooms? I really wanna understand The meaning behind this new recurring dream.

Or would I?

I’m thinking of making a vision board and covering it with the kind of breasts I’d like to have once I lose 100 pounds and get the “mom job” so that I can finally live out my days braless and without inch deep crevices across my shoulders from my bra straps. The thought of never being poked in my left armpit by the damned underwire (always the left. Every single damn time) ever again also gives me the tingles.

I just need a guarantee that should anyone ever get a gander at my breast covered vision board they would know exactly what I was going for and not mistake me for someone with a fetish for cutting out breast photos.

Or would I? I mean if someone is clearing out my house of junk because I’ve gone to the great beyond them I’m sure I’d get a good laugh in heaven watching their face as their brains recognize what I’ve created.

I will also cover that board with photos of me winning the lottery. Cash and boobs. I might be a teenage boy in disguise.

doesn't care

Just now lil sis told me that she was on her way to a certain fast food chain which donates a lot of money to anti LGBTQ organizations or, as I prefer to call them, Hate Groups. As in Hate Groups which specifically threaten the physical and emotional well being of my LGBTQ child. This is a hill I am willing to die on.

I said "I can't believe you let your kids eat from that place. You should ask them if they want to support that kind of place. Is that where they want their money to go?" and she said, "I don't care, they're hungry and I don't have to cook. (celebratory noise) It's a win in my book"

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

She doesn't care. The cat is out of the bag.

She doesn't care. The truth has been told.

She doesn't care. I don't see how I'm coming back from that one.

She doesn't care and that lack of caring speaks to the very core of everything I stand for and would stand for even if I didn't have an LGBTQ child.

I CARE!! And I do have an LGBTQ child,  and this could be a deal breaker, the straw that broke the camel's back, the end of the line, the final curtain.

She doesn't care. The cat is out of the bag.

Truer words have never been spoken. I'm so angry I am shaking.

Crying goodbye

When I was a little kid (all the way to high school if I’m going to be honest) I always had a big problem saying goodbye. Especially when someone was leaving my apartment.

When my mom would go out for a date with the guy who would become my dad, she told me once, that I’d break away from the baby sitter and run down the hallway hysterically screaming “Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me!” I’d scream down the elevator shaft. She said she’d hear me screaming until they were out of the building. She said that the baby sitter reported that I would then calmly then around and play until
bedtime. I’m quite sure she lied because she wanted my mother to believe I was fine so she could continue to baby sit. But I don’t actually remember.

My mom also told me that she consulted a child psychologist who told her that she had to keep leaving so that I would learn she always came back. If this is true, because seriously.... she wanted to go out on those dates.... and nothing was going to stop her.... she was on a mission to find husband #2...... not even her sweet little 4 year old daughter desperately screaming for her down the elevator shaft.... the shrink was WRONG. Also, how bizarre to tell yourself that continuing to traumatize your kid will teach her to feel safe. What the ever loving f**k??

I can recall, after they got married and we all lived together (Thank god. My new dad was a knight in shining armor) choking back the tears when they went out for their Friday and Saturday night dates. I’d say “Bye! Have fun! See you tomorrow!” While choking on my own tears. I probably did turn around and act normally. One day I’ll tell you about the vast variety of baby sitters we had as kids Anyways. I did this right up until I went to college. I couldn’t not get choked up.

Clearly I have abandonment issues.

These days I cry at the thought of Josh leaving for college. I want to say DONT LEAVE ME but I also don’t want to contribute to any more future therapy than he will already need so I keep that inside. But I really want him to have a fantastic amazing time at his first choice college, making friends, being challenged, taking advantage of everything a 20 year old could take advantage of. But I also want him to stay here with me. And just be another normal person in this house. So I know I can call his name when I hear the husband hitting the floor and go running off to see how bad it is this time. Or have someone to shoot a concerned look towards every time the husband chokes on his dinner. Or someone to take care of sweet pea when I’m sitting in the emergency room for hours at a time.

Evan came to town tonight. He hung out with us for a while and then left to go to someone’s Fourth of July party. He is going to come back. He might even sleep under my roof tonight. I got choked up standing in the driveway watching him leave. I shouted “Have a good time!” and choked back the tears.

I might be a mess.

Surprised myself

All along (the pandemic) I’ve been half joking that I’m going to need physical therapy when it’s over to be a normal person again. And then today happened. Here are all the things I did today.

I took sweet pea to the woods for two hours, came home, scarfed down some food just so I could take the antidepressants that I’ve grown quite fond of, grabbed my lawn mowing stuff (head phones, mower key, etc..., looked at the mower and decided I should probably check the oil. Ran back inside for a paper towel, ran back outside checked the oil and determined that the mower needed oil. I ran back inside to grab my car keys to drive over to the auto parts store where the very nice old guy hooked me up with mower oil, gas conditioner for the snow blower, oil for the generator in case the power goes out again, and wiper fluid because it’s bug season.

Returned to the house and mowed for about an hour taking care of about half the lawn, leaving the easy wide open area for Josh who, like his mom, actually enjoys mowing the lawn, then I finally transplanted the pathetic half dead tomatoes and peppers I started indoors too early in February. If I get any fruit off of them it will be a true miracle. The fact that they’re still alive is also a miracle.

Then I, with more help from Josh, set up the bug screen tent in the spot im going to sit every hour of daylight tomorrow and do another summer solstice photograph birds on a single dead tree series. The tent thing is what I used way back when the house in utopia was being built and we were staying in that old dudes house for the summer and his kitchen was so gross I only grilled food every night and we sat in the screened in tent every night and watched it get dark until the bats flew out of the woods and started circling the lake. I took a sweet trip down memory lane.

Then, I decided I could not for a single second stand looking through my scratched cheater readers anymore and I jumped back into the car and went to the bookstore where I purchased them a couple of years ago to get replacements. On the way back from the bookstore I ran into the pharmacy for one of the husband’s prescriptions.

Oh wait. I messed up the order. I went to the bookstore, set up the tent and then transplanted the half dead plants. Which is why when I finally made it to the shower I was red faced and dripping with sweat.

Showered, downloaded the trail camera photos from last night, made dinner, served dinner, ate dinner, downloaded what ever was on the camera I am using tomorrow so I could clear the memory card. Gathered the things I will need to take out with me tomorrow, put the dinner left overs away, tried to get even more organized and now I am ready to pass out. I sat down in a relaxing way twice today. Once was to eat breakfast and once to eat dinner.

I guess normal won’t be too hard to get back to.

Hungry

I didn’t really eat for three days and no one noticed.

I’ve been thinking about my typical pre-diet anxiety and how I have a neurotic need to eat all my favorite foods one more time before officially beginning, as if those foods will cease to exist and I need to say goodbye. And then I never start because there is always one more thing I want to eat. I know. I said NEUROTIC. I own it.

So, I thought, maybe it would work for me if I just dieted part time. And then I remembered that one vacation where I arrived stressed out of my mind and the husband knew this camel’s back was a single straw from breaking so he told me to get a massage on the first day and the wonderful woman who gave me a massage suggested I eat only fruit and vegetables for a few days to give my insides a rest. So that’s what I did and I felt great.

So I went to the store and bought a fresh fruit and vegetables and that’s what I did. For three days. I didn’t eat meals with the husband and Josh and no one noticed.

Then I had two normal days and this feels maintainable so I think I’m going to try going in this direction for a bit. I need to get this pandemic weight off. Then I need to get the graduate school weight off. Then I need to get the moving and hating new town weight off and then I need to get the I was fat since having kids in the first place weight off. I just need to be normal chubby. I’d give a toe if I could just wake up and live easily in my pre-children body.

A text I sent to my friend who moved away and just asked “How are things?”

We are OK. Life is still covid strange. Virtually no one is masking up outdoors anymore and you know this state’s vaccination rate is only 50%. So I have had to double down on my own mask wearing to protect the husband. Honestly, at this point it’s astounding he is still here. Every time it looks like a disaster he manages to rebound just enough to keep going. Even his doctors are surprised.

The beech trees in the woods (we were dog walking buddies) have been affected by this deadly disease of unknown pathogen called “beech tree leaf disease” and it makes their leaves dark and shriveled. So in the areas where there are a lot of beeches it’s really creepy looking. The more affected trees have barely any leaves and they look like a tragic Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

No one walks in a huge group anymore and the last time we all went out for tacos was February 2020. Life is all different. I hope it can get back to what it was someday soon. But I’m not sure.

I’ve been making a lot of photography this pandemic so that’s good. And I’m working on getting some of my series’s finalized so I can start entering them in more contests. Right now I’m working very hard on finishing up a one day project from last year’s summer solstice (before I turn around and do the same thing this year!!). I sat in one spot and photographed every bird that landed on a single tree. Last year the tree still had clumps of leaves on the end of its branches and now this year it’s totally dead so this part wasn’t planned, but in a world where the conservative guesstimate of US deaths is 600,000 my tree dying all the way seems symbolic.

Also, I’ve been photographing in my backyard every night with a trail camera. I can’t tell you how much I am enjoying this ritual. I have two foxes (hoping to see some babies!) and a bunch of deer that come regularly and have also seen mice, skunk, rabbit, opossum, coyote and now I’m hoping for a single visit from that bear!! I would be so happy if I got that on the camera.

The last few days rolled into one

 

So, it's been rough here the last couple of weeks. And as usual my response to things getting rough is to go into snail mode. I could stare at a wall for hours. Nothing has been getting done, So I copied some of the texts I sent to friends and family the past few days and will present them here in am embellished form. Not because I want to remember this past week but because I feel like I would be less authentic if I didn't put it out there.

Text one:

Listen I had the worst day. I just got home from leaving the husband in the emergency room. His doctor has been calling because Husband actually seemed to get worse after the antibiotics (He was being treated for pneumonia in his lower left lobe, the original x-rays were taken on April 28th, surely a result of aspiration as it set in almost immediately after his worst choking episode ever) and  the doctor wanted me to take him to the emergency room and they did a chest x-ray and there’s something in both lungs now so they immediately gave him a bag of antibiotics but they’re thinking maybe it’s pneumonia maybe it’s heart failure maybe his kidneys are finally giving out and they’re keeping him there. They are gonna run more tests definitely a whatever the ultrasound of the heart is called (echocardiogram) and then an intern called me and asked me basically if husband’s heart stops if I want them to start it up again and I said "Well, yeah, like if you can start it back up in a minute start it back up but like don’t work on him for 20 minutes and bring him back so that he’s brain dead" which you’re not allowed to say because it’s really a yes or no a question and not a judgment call so I had to say NO and now I feel guilty even though I know that Husband from 10 years ago would completely agree and maybe even not want to be around in the current state he is. I don't even know how many times the pre-dementia husband told me that our culture had to learn to let go and that we keep people alive too long and that the financial hit to our system wasn't worth that last year of life. I wish Husband from today would say the same thing. I still feel guilty because I know that he’s a little afraid of dying.

 

Text two:

I’m in zero Mode. Just sitting here staring at the phone. Everything feels insurmountable

So they gave Husband a swallow test this morning. But it appears that he is swallowing fine the only thing that she could see that might be causing the choking is that he is uncoordinated in his chewing and swallowing which would be a neurological problem and I said “bingo he has neurological problems” and (I have noticed a general lack of coordination in other areas as well) so that’s why he keeps choking. It is because his tongue is doing something strange and she also noticed that he was putting more food into his mouth without swallowing causing the food that was already in his mouth to kind of back up towards his throat so I can just stand over him and yell SWALLOW  before he lifts the next bite towards his face. This is going to be so fun. NOT.

 

Text three:

I’m in hospital right now. He is in annoyingly good spirits. Makes it seem like he isn’t dying. Kidneys aren’t functioning well. Still has fluid on the lungs. Seems to have developed high blood pressure and low blood sugar. It’s all very strange. Luckily I got to talk with the doctor and see the original cardiologist he had before he needed the heart failure specialist. They did an echo on him. His heart is pumping at 20-25%. Thats not enough.

They’re going to keep him another day or two to make sure he is stable. I suggested they keep him as long as possible since he is such a bag of conflicting diagnoses. I told the doctor I’m afraid to be responsible for him. This is way over my mother abilities. I can do stomach bugs, broken bones and even high fevers. But his stuff is beyond.

He is not in pain. Though tragically confused because he just can't wrap his head around being as sick as he is. Though I did talk to him about making peace with Marion (who told me she didn't feel the need to see him one more time-but I didn't mention that to him). I just want him to say the right words to her so at least she has that if he should die very soon.

Text four:

I don't think he is at hospice stage. Well, maybe he is technically but not psychologically. And he would never go peacefully to a hospice when he knows I'll wait on him hand and foot and give him what ever he wants here. The sad thing is that the only thing that would help him is a heart/kidney transplant but that wouldn't help all the other parts of him that are in trouble. Like his brain. Or the fact that he has no nerve activity anywhere in his body.