clickmom

The last few days rolled into one

 

So, it's been rough here the last couple of weeks. And as usual my response to things getting rough is to go into snail mode. I could stare at a wall for hours. Nothing has been getting done, So I copied some of the texts I sent to friends and family the past few days and will present them here in am embellished form. Not because I want to remember this past week but because I feel like I would be less authentic if I didn't put it out there.

Text one:

Listen I had the worst day. I just got home from leaving the husband in the emergency room. His doctor has been calling because Husband actually seemed to get worse after the antibiotics (He was being treated for pneumonia in his lower left lobe, the original x-rays were taken on April 28th, surely a result of aspiration as it set in almost immediately after his worst choking episode ever) and  the doctor wanted me to take him to the emergency room and they did a chest x-ray and there’s something in both lungs now so they immediately gave him a bag of antibiotics but they’re thinking maybe it’s pneumonia maybe it’s heart failure maybe his kidneys are finally giving out and they’re keeping him there. They are gonna run more tests definitely a whatever the ultrasound of the heart is called (echocardiogram) and then an intern called me and asked me basically if husband’s heart stops if I want them to start it up again and I said "Well, yeah, like if you can start it back up in a minute start it back up but like don’t work on him for 20 minutes and bring him back so that he’s brain dead" which you’re not allowed to say because it’s really a yes or no a question and not a judgment call so I had to say NO and now I feel guilty even though I know that Husband from 10 years ago would completely agree and maybe even not want to be around in the current state he is. I don't even know how many times the pre-dementia husband told me that our culture had to learn to let go and that we keep people alive too long and that the financial hit to our system wasn't worth that last year of life. I wish Husband from today would say the same thing. I still feel guilty because I know that he’s a little afraid of dying.

 

Text two:

I’m in zero Mode. Just sitting here staring at the phone. Everything feels insurmountable

So they gave Husband a swallow test this morning. But it appears that he is swallowing fine the only thing that she could see that might be causing the choking is that he is uncoordinated in his chewing and swallowing which would be a neurological problem and I said “bingo he has neurological problems” and (I have noticed a general lack of coordination in other areas as well) so that’s why he keeps choking. It is because his tongue is doing something strange and she also noticed that he was putting more food into his mouth without swallowing causing the food that was already in his mouth to kind of back up towards his throat so I can just stand over him and yell SWALLOW  before he lifts the next bite towards his face. This is going to be so fun. NOT.

 

Text three:

I’m in hospital right now. He is in annoyingly good spirits. Makes it seem like he isn’t dying. Kidneys aren’t functioning well. Still has fluid on the lungs. Seems to have developed high blood pressure and low blood sugar. It’s all very strange. Luckily I got to talk with the doctor and see the original cardiologist he had before he needed the heart failure specialist. They did an echo on him. His heart is pumping at 20-25%. Thats not enough.

They’re going to keep him another day or two to make sure he is stable. I suggested they keep him as long as possible since he is such a bag of conflicting diagnoses. I told the doctor I’m afraid to be responsible for him. This is way over my mother abilities. I can do stomach bugs, broken bones and even high fevers. But his stuff is beyond.

He is not in pain. Though tragically confused because he just can't wrap his head around being as sick as he is. Though I did talk to him about making peace with Marion (who told me she didn't feel the need to see him one more time-but I didn't mention that to him). I just want him to say the right words to her so at least she has that if he should die very soon.

Text four:

I don't think he is at hospice stage. Well, maybe he is technically but not psychologically. And he would never go peacefully to a hospice when he knows I'll wait on him hand and foot and give him what ever he wants here. The sad thing is that the only thing that would help him is a heart/kidney transplant but that wouldn't help all the other parts of him that are in trouble. Like his brain. Or the fact that he has no nerve activity anywhere in his body.

rough night at the wall

Rough night in front of the trail camera.

First, I go out to fetch the trail cam, (also, to let sweet pea out for her first bathroom break of the day) and what do I discover right in front of the wall? A dead mouse! Is it wall mouse? I have no idea! But it is definitely dead and all I know is that I need to get the trail camera inside and see what went down last night. I try to stay calm as I slide the memory card into the card reader, thinking I might witness the murder of one of trail camera stars in the making and then the opossum shows up with one eye swollen shut, and now I'm freaking out there is some sort of eye destroying bacteria in my yard, since there is also a deer with a dead eye wandering around. The opossum did discover the food black that I put out for the deer because the wildlife rehab guy tried to tell me that the deer were molting and probably had nutrient deficiencies since its the end of winter when clearly they have mange because when a deer molts you can't see its skin!!! Now I am worried that the mange is going to be spread on that food block. Oh lord, I don't want to harm these animals! 

Damn my long unmowed grass, I can't see too much mouse activity. I can't tell if wall mouse is sneaking around down there or not. I did drop some sunflower seeds last night. So I might be an unintentional accomplice to murder. At 1:03:24 I can see mom fox hopping over the fence in the background, then at 1:03:30, a mere 6 seconds later her head appears on the edge of the screen with something in her mouth. Did she just scoop up wall mouse at that very moment or did she pass through with a capture from somewhere else? I guess I might be able to tell by watching the wall activity that happens or doesn't happen moving forward. But, I'll show you the image. I think she may have just scooped up wall mouse at that very moment because of how mouse's tail is flipped up over mom fox's nose. Looks like an action shot to me.

But then, mom fox leaves the dead mouse in the grass in front of the wall because I had left an egg out for them! I've been leaving an egg out there daily in hopes of getting them to visit daily so I can be reliable with the mange medication. I feel like every nice thing I do might have a negative consequence, except, I don't know why they've all got mange, and I don't know why their eyes are swelling shut and I definitely don't even know if I got wall mouse or one of the possibly hundreds of other mice that could be running around out there killed, so am I contributing or just witnessing what would have gone on normally? I'll never know.

Dad fox showed up and didn't take the mouse. Why not? Would a fox kill a mouse and then not consume it? Could it have been hunting for sport? That time I moved a dead robin from my driveway to the wall it took the fox family two or three days to claim it. Maybe meat doesn't have to be fresh? I don't know these things and I am afraid to look because of what else I might find out. I'll leave the mouse out there, maybe I will have to move it if I mow the grass. I'll leave it on the wall and then it will be visible to the hawks.

These poor critters, though! I want to hire a vet to set up a stroll by station each night and treat these babies until they're fine. I want to watch them live, not slowly suffer and die. I'm crying.

I used to box

So, I am walking through the woods yesterday with sweet pea, naturally, and I hear barking dogs approaching. It turns out to be a little tough wise guy looking man with two border collies. So, I figure I should let him overtake and pass me while we were standing in an area where I could easily step off the trail and pretend to be noticing something, (I had my camera on my hand, so that is my excuse) As the guy got closer he commanded one of his dogs to heel, but he used a two word command ("by side" maybe?)  which gave me the impression he was the type of guy who gets his dog trained by sending them off to military boot camp for dogs. It just reminded me of the guy from the lake who only gets shepherds which have been police trained. (Oy vey)  Anyways, sweet pea was just standing in the middle of the path watching curiously, wagging her tail and waiting for the whole crew to get to her. The guy says "I'm going to walk around her and leave some space because my dog doesn't like it when anyone gets too close to me" and what I think is Jeeeezus Mutha freaking god! Are you freaking serious? You bring that kind of dog into an off leash dog park? What the FFF is wrong with you! BUT what I say is "Oh, she is protective of you? That is a good thing." and this douche bag of a human being turns to me and says, with all of the scorn and disdain a nasty garbage human could muster 

"Yeah, if I was a girl."

Folks

.

.

.

.

 

i

can

NOT

with

the 

fragile

male 

ego

any more.

Anyways, I felt slightly threatened so I laughed and said I wasn't worried because I used to box (hahaha for exercise at the posh gym!!) and then I just looked at him with a big fake smile on my face, he turned and walked away and as soon as he got far enough to be far enough away that I figured he wouldn't return I looked down at sweet pea and said, kind of on the loud side,  "What a Man-Cuhnt!"  I really hope he heard that. Today I found out his name is Guy, pretty much everyone hates him, and his dog has attacked other dogs and then he hides for a while so the victim's owners can't find him to pay for the vet bills. How much do you wanna bet on which way he votes? 

 

 

 

 

cat food is gross

The biggest news of all is that Josh got into his dream school. I am so freaking overwhelmingly happy for him!! I mean, he is absolutely worthy of that school, they are lucky to have him, he'll bring the conversation level up, and also, if there is any nice unassuming kid out there who needs a break and is worthy of a break it's Josh. This kid has only left the house a handful of times in the past year, protecting both me and his father and he has never complained a bit about it. He did tell me how hard it has been on him, but that was never just casually thrown out there by him, he has only admitted it when his back was really against the wall. He deserves this for every reason possible.

I drove back to stepford today and got a readl professional haircut. Holy moly did I underestimate my need for a decent haircut. I felt so fine, so freaking happy I sang the entire way home- extra loud- with seated dance moves- even though there was a ton of traffic and my engine light came on sometime during the drive. I had to drive straight to the mechanic and it took me and extra hour to get home. Still smiling!

Speaking of the garage mechanic, did I tell you how when he was told his dog was sick and near death he was so grief stricken that he called me? I was so touched that he called me, that I knew he was connecting with me on this level where he felt I really understood his love for his dog, and I wanted so much to do something to make it better for him, but I am not a dog healer, so I asked him if I could come over and take a portrait of them together. I went over one day and wanted to come over in better lighting, but the day the light was right he stayed home with a slipped disc and today when I got there with my engine light on he told me that his dog had passed over the weekend. I am so freaking glad I took those photos even though the light wasn't ideal. I'll print some up tomorrow and bring them over to him on Thursday when I return with my engine light on.

In backyard trail camera news...... I put a food block out for the deer. I couldn't quite decide where to put it because I suspected that the wall mice would be the happiest of all the creatures to gobble it up and I was right. I put it right next to the salt block because I didn't want to have to mow around it, or touch it and move it to mow (because the mangy deer might be spreading something) and there was already a patch of dead grass near the wall so it just seemed like the least destructive and least in the way place to put it. The photos of the deer came out fine. Nice side views, but (in the end) I got another adorable photo of the two wall mice that I can use for "Mice re-enact" series out there so I figure they're earning their snacks. I'm a bit fearful that I'm going to feed them so well that they will have huge healthy litters.... and its not that far from the house... but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. It's a big wall. I'm sure it can house plenty of mice.

In other wildlife news, I managed to get another dose of mange medicine to the mangy fox last night. I'm going to redouble my efforts to cure dad fox using eggs, because dad fox doesn't seem to ignore eggs like he did with cat food and also because eggs don't make me gag the way the smell of the cat food did. Cat food is gross. Can't do it. 

Next day:  Hahahaha. I guess I'm still pretty spacey because I forgot to publish this yesterday when I wrote it! Will be backdating and publishing now. Help me.

ice cream and crusty bread

I'm kind of sick to my stomach this morning. The big group of possibly mangy deer haven't been around for a while. There has been some inclement weather, and they don't come every night, and one night the camera wasn't set properly and didn't take any images,  anyways, (deep breath in) and they showed up last night. It's bad people. I saw a lot of skin. I was not expecting them to look so frightening. It's not molting. Now some of the deer have actual bald spots underneath their chins, extending up to their eyes. They look skeleton-ish. It just hurts me to look at it! I have no idea how to treat an entire family of deer and I don't want to raise suspicion by buying a ton of the medication, so I sent off an email (well, I was going to phone, but according their answering machine the only way to contact them is through email (I know, WHAT?) to a local town run farm and educational center and I tried to pass this off as concern for their animals since I believe this to be the herd of deer which live in the woods behind their place and they have their own animals to worry about. So, for the sake of their own animals they should hire someone who knows what they are doing to treat the wild animals. This makes sense to me, and I am planning on pestering them until they respond. Hopefully their response will be "We will find someone to treat the animals!"

In other news, I re-pulled a photo intaglio series yesterday. The first plate I made didn't have enough highlight detail. The second plate I made I over washed and somehow (I blame brain fog from my covid vax) didn't register the black dots from over washing all over the plate and pulled an entire 10 image series. (What a waste of super gorgeous expensive paper!!! I can not even bring myself to think about it) I thought those old plates were in perfect shape, but now I'm thinking they might not be holding up as well as I would have liked them to hold up. It's okay, I am getting what I need out of them, but it's also kind of disappointing when the plate starts to get a tad bit crumbly the last print from being under the pressure of my ink rubbing. But it's okay because I did get my series out of it and that was always the one and only goal. From now on I am setting a timer when I wash out the plates. I am happy that I solved the mystery of where the black dots came from. Too bad I had to ridiculously over wash a plate to get there though. Live and learn, right? I still consider these decade old found plates to be a gift from pre new town me so at least I'm not making the mistakes on some fresh stuff I had to have a crisis to pay for.

I found this inspirational person on T/T (not going to spell it out cause I don't want the google hits) who got her head on straight, lost a ton of weight and is now making inspirational videos. I feel like she might really be able to speak to me. I'm going to go back into her archive and look for that one thing that will hopefully flip the switch in my head so I can move forward taking better care of myself. She has spoken about learning to love your body- simply because it is exists. One point I heard her make this morning is that in all of your good times and bad times, but especially the bad times the one consistent thing is that your body showed up for you. It was always there. Can I think of my physical self as a friend? Let me dwell on this. It feels like something I need to think about so hard that I can live it. I sometimes feel like I am the queen of lip service. I know what I am doing. I don't know how to do it differently, which is different than not knowing what needs to be done. I know what needs to be done I don't know how to think like the person who does the right thing (eat healthy) because it's the right thing to do. Period. I knew a woman who stopped eating gluten and dairy and when she realized she felt better, she just didn't eat them. And she didn't have a never ending pity party in her head because she subconsciously thought she needed ice cream and crusty bread to soothe her tortured soul. I wanna be that woman.

brain fog

I hate to sound completely paranoid but I have been a complete and total flake since my second shot and I am making the most careless mistakes. It's got me wondering A sampling of the strange things I have done are: I over washed an intaglio plate, washing the photopolymer off and didn't realize it and went ahead and printed an entire series of way too light images- with a strange black dots from missing plate material. What??? I set up my camera one evening without turning it on properly and didn't have a single image the next day. me?? Also, I looked at my calendar and replied to an email typing 15th instead of 13th and confused everyone on the group email. I did this as I studied my calendar to see what day I was free. What me?? 

Energy is pretty low, I've been dozing off on the couch most afternoons.

Haven't been getting much of anything done around here. Super lazy super tired. Bad combination.

My stress is super high though. The husband is weak weak weak. I just don't know what to do. I am going to try to bring him to the doctor tomorrow to have his lungs listened to. He choked really really bad over a month ago and has been strangely harshly coughing ever since. He does not want me to bring him to the doctor. Aspiration pneumonia? I would consider that a possibility. But I don't know how to listen for it. So, doctor we go. 

I'm still a bit panicked from the shabby looking deer.  The whole crew hasn't been back since the day I got all alarmed, only one lone smaller deer. That is not one of the deer with the bald spots. There is a chance the deer are molting, but I am quite sure I saw bald spots, so I will have to wait until molting season is over. I think it only takes a couple of weeks. I spoke with the animal rehabilitator again, and I just want to take that guy out for coffee because I think it is just fascinating to be wild animal expert, and he suggested that they might also look shabby due to poor nutrition, which is not uncommon at this time of the year so I have been putting out carrots and apples for them. I leave quite the buffet out there. I also leave an egg for the fox, sunflower seeds, rabbit food (which the deer also eat) and peanuts. It's basically a race between the mice and the rest of the animals every night. I would laugh myself silly if the fox ate the wall mouse. It would be like I fattened him up for the fox. Sometimes I joke and call my backyard "The family backyard and wildlife refuge" and now I might have to add on "The family backyard, wildlife refuge, and critter buffet." I'm wondering if I could put all the food on a big platter so I can see it better on camera, and also get some clearer shots of that thieving mouse couple, but 

 

Haha. Just turned the computer off to walk away before realizing I never actually finished this post.  See?? I told you. Total space cadet.

the deer

So, I hadn't seen the backyard deer for about a week. We had rain and fog and then on the first night they were probably back I managed to not set up the camera properly. (F me, right??) and then last night all of the deer came through and I could barely believe what I was seeing. A week ago I would have told you that there was a single deer which looked like someone had been nipping it her fur. She had some spots that were always looking like she had turned her head and pulled at the hair with her mouth. Last night every single damned one of the herd looked like it has mange. They're a mess. I saw actual bald spots. I am beside myself. I just can't not do anything knowing that my backyard deer, the ones I have become so attached to, the families I love watching strolling through night after night, will now be suffering and probably dying. I have to intervene! I don't know how I am going to medicate the whole herd and the loners but if someone can give me a plan I will execute it to the best of my ability. I will coat deer food with medication until they're all cured. I just don't know how I will be able to ensure they all get it and they don't get too much. I'm going to call the wildlife rehabilitator today. I am just sick thinking there may not be anything I can do about this.

alive

I'm alive!

For a brief moment there I had made a less than gracious peace with my maker. Holy hell. That second jab reaction is out of this world.  My one big concern about this second was being on antibiotics for the damned UTI during the process. I didn't want anything to reduce the efficacy of the jab. I asked the doc I am not in love with about that and he literally...paused to think about it for two seconds ... and then said it shouldn't matter. I wanted to get all full attitude and say "Bitch! You don't even know what you're talking about! The internet exists! Why don't you do a search or two before making shit up!" but I didn't because truth be told I want to be immune to covid 19 and have some resistance to all of the variants that are floating around (thanks to all the stupid selfish mother f**kers who don't deserve to breath the same virus free air as me) out there. I get a bit hot under the collar because apparently I still have a low grade fever but also because I can't even with those who not only kept the virus alive but allowed it to flourish and mutate. In a world of  "If I can do it then you can do it" there are no excuses. Some of us have been 100% responsible, kept ourselves and therefore everyone around us safe, and now those are/will be my people. The rest can go ...... (Exceptions for healthcare workers and others who are in the line of fire shall be dealt with on a case by case basis.)

Wow, I am getting off on a tangent here, but I have such mixed feelings about my across the street neighbors (she is a nurse), who I want to like so much because everything else (outside of a covid world) they do is so salt of the earth good person neighborly, but they are not being safe and haven't been safe since the beginning and that just kills someone like me who has isolated herself for the benefit of all of us and it wasn't like it was easy for me! I freaking hated every moment of it! I've been lonely and scared and bored and depressed (I am on antidepressants for the first time in my depressed life!!)  and feeling so so so sorry for my kid who is holed up with me and his bizarrely demented and disabled father here, and only wants to be finally adult and free to have a life independent of the suck of his parents dysfunctional marriage and poor health. And my neighbor hosted get togethers for adults and their kids the entire time. Also, they were the first people back in the restaurants. INSIDE the restaurants, not even outdoor dining. How can future me sit outside and have a drink and a chat with someone who would have casually killed pandemic era me? You see what I am struggling with? Oh wait. I am blocking out the part where the wife is a suspected closet trumper. Dammit. I am living across from the enemy.

Back on track: At the height of immunization reaction confusion I laid in bed, not scrolling through endless tiktok videos, just in silence, staring off into the haze, knowing it was time for my nightly antibiotics, and I was in bed and they were downstairs in the kitchen. I also knew I could ask Josh to get them for me, but that would involve speaking out loud and I wasn't sure if I could form words. The issue with forming words seemed to be the energy required with moving my mouth and also I had to strategically plan out how to get him to hear the words I needed to say. Shouting was more effort than I could possibly gather. That left two options, calling and texting both of which involved the monumental task of both rolling over and reaching my arm out for the phone. I slipped away for a tiny bit and then refocused myself. I thought texting would be better. I could ensure the words made sense before I sent them. I slipped away again. I recouped my thoughts and wondered if I had texted Josh. I realized I had not moved. I wondered if it was even the same day. I did not know how much time had elapsed. I could tell that my bedside lamp was still on and wondered if anyone would have turned that off for me. I decided no, it could be the middle of the night. I'd have to move to find out. I managed to roll over. It was still in the acceptable range of time to ask Josh. I slipped away again. From the depths of the slippage I knew I had to resurface long enough to make contact with Josh soon. It was getting late. I came back and managed to reach out for the phone and dictate a slow and carefully thought out text, telling Josh the antibiotics were located on the corner of the kitchen island to the right of the sink. Then he called me back and asked me where they were and part of me panicked because I thought I had told him so I just tried to sound normal and slowly repeat the thing that I had so carefully planned out for the text and he said "Oh, I see them I'll be right up" and in that moment I didn't know what was real. I knew the thoughts in my head seemed together and coherent but everything else seemed like a slow motion underwater monumental effort dream. I wasn't sure if I had ever even sent the text, or if sound had actually come out of my mouth when I had tried to reply to him and then he was standing there with my antibiotics looking at me. Oh my god, I got a bit panicked, I would have to drink something to take the antibiotics. I didn't know if I had the strength or the ability to keep it down. I was only mildly nauseated, but feeling overwhelmed by it. I think it took three tries to sit up. I had water next to the bed. I tried to look normal because I didn't want to frighten Josh. (He tells me: You seemed pretty sick. You did not seem healthy, very clearly there was something not right)  I got the antibiotics down. When my head hit the pillow again and I was going to shut my eyes for the night I considered that I might not wake up in the morning. I felt that bad. 

And you know what I thought about? How everyone would wonder if I was mentally ill when they had to clean out my room and saw what a mess it was!! Hahahahaha.

Jab #2

Got my second shot on Thursday. Woke up Friday with the tell tale sore arm- but that was it. “Wow” I foolishly thought “Maybe this time I won’t be in side effect hell!” And then BAM. By noon I was starting to shake, feel dizzy, passed out on the couch for an hour, tried to go with Josh for his shot appointment until Josh ever so gently said I was acting sick and it would be embarrassing for him to be seen with me. (Could not have said it nicer. No sarcasm) So, I groaned submission and took to my bed for a half day and night of fitful sleeping and FEVER DREAMS. Now, if you’ve been here for any time at all you will know that I do not require fever to have messed up dreams. I won’t tell you all the details, but the one part I am going to share is that in the last extraordinary detailed dream from last night I killed a dolphin BY ACCIDENT and it took me about four hours to shake off the guilt when I woke up. It totally wasn’t my fault, it was 100% the fault of the woman from the fundamentalist hotel that my demented husband booked us into who took me in the water at the frightening hour of dusk, told me dolphins make good pillows, and then swam off to deep sea dive with a killer whale. Upon waking it took me about 20 minutes of praying that the dolphin got completely consumed by other aquatic creatures (no evidence!!) before I realized that the whole thing may not have happened. Not even the weird food buffet or the gay guys who also landed there by accident and were smarter than us and snuck away.

eggs-periment

I'm having a bit of frustration over the fox. Specifically over the male fox, who I have begun referring to as dad fox, not because I even know the male and female are definitely a breeding pair, but because I am hoping as hard as one can hope that babies come and frolic in front of the camera one night. So, I'm just putting out there for the universe, as a request, but considering my luck so far (there is always tomorrow) with my lottery win request, I don't have the highest of hopes. I think that I am sometimes wishing on a very distant airplane when I think that I am wishing on a star. At least that is what happened last night when I realized the star was moving.

Anyways, dad fox never came every day, so it was hard to keep him on a schedule, then there were a few rainy nights when no one came, and then he became less reliable as far what time he was showing up and didn't always show up before mom fox, so I couldn't guarantee he was the one who would eat the medicated cat food. Also, one night both dad fox and mom fox passed it over, and then she ate the shriveled up dried out cat food the next night. (Or maybe it was 2 nights later?) I left it out there to see what might happen (I was hoping a crow would fly down and take it) but didn't think either fox would wait until it was sun baked cat food jerky. 

Last night I put out an egg, not hard boiled, just a plain old egg, and mom fox (who happened to come along first) grabbed it and ran off.  Then she circled around two more times surely looking for more eggs. I just know she was trying to figure out how that egg got out there without a hen house near by. I put the egg out there because I did a spot of internet research and saw that other people were using a liquid for of the medication and injecting it into eggs. I can do that. Now I see that an egg will be immediately scooped up. I wonder if they hard boil the eggs first. I just put a raw egg out there, but I'd have to drill a tiny little hole into the shell for the medication, which is why I am thinking hard boiled might be the way to go. Also, because I am quite certain the wildlife rehabilitator said something about putting medication into hard boiled eggs. It wont hurt the mom fox or any potential cubs. I just want dad fox to get enough to restore his tail to fox tail gloriousness and also for him not to die of mange because I don't want him to suffer. Even if he did drop a log right off camera a few nights ago.