clickmom

TISJosh

Warning!!

DO NOT LAUGH WHEN YOU SEE DAD’S MUSTACHE OR LACK THEREOF

I can explain!! I gave him a shave and a haircut this morning and when I went to trim the stache area the trimmer lever slipped and I accidentally shaved half of it off. So then I felt like the best course of action was to just shave it all evenly and now he looks Amish or something. Like, just a beard, no stache.

But listen, he will be wearing a mask outside so only we will see it, so no public humiliation, and it won’t even be noticeable in a few days. Do not tell him! We can just be extra smiley when speaking to him and he will never suspect a thing!

TISMF

OMG. I just heard the most ridiculous story on the news. Weed is legal is the tri-state area (NY, NJ, CT) and they reminded the viewers that people who partake in weed are not allowed to own guns. AYFKM??? I want the guns out of the hands of old drunk white men! Get F**king real. That is the stupidest thing I have heard all day. Like all the pot heads aren’t giggling in front of the TV double fisting snacks. (That may or may not be my M.O. I will never tell, hahaha. Wink wink) Which hysterical sexually repressed fringe Bible thumper thought this one up? So F**king stupid.

How was your day?

My head wants to explode.

Long walk this morning. It’s so beautiful here the past couple of weeks. I’m loving every second of it. It’s the spring I remember from my childhood! Like a real spring instead of just sliding right into summer. Trying extra hard to appreciate it.

The husband had an echocardiogram today. I’ll check his online portal later for the results. I have no idea what they might be.

Can you talk? I want to tell you about what I’m thinking in regards to my beech tree series. I think I finally found my direction (in summer #4 of course, but that hits) and I think you won’t see this one coming.

Tomorrow morning Sweet pea is getting a suspicious lump removed. I’m completely nauseous with worry. I don’t know what I’m gonna do if it’s bad news. Yes I do. I’m going to be inconsolable. She is such a fantastic dog. We are so in sync. I love her so much.

Look at me standing up for what I need to hear!

The following is my response to my HS Reunion committee friends pressing me to either get a home nurse or out the husband in a home:

Oh my gosh. I’m far from killing myself!! Both with the physical demands of caretaking and the psychological demands. As far as dementia goes, I’m lucky here because he is just getting more apathetic by the day. So, no anger, no paranoia, no violent outbursts. But the crazy thing is the dudes insistence that everything is just A-OK. It’s more of a mind fuck than anything.

I’m not saying it isn’t hard- it’s super frustrating. It’s annoying. I’ve built up a big dose of resentment. But I’m not letting it kill me! I sit around thinking about where I should move next and deciding if I should buy something run down and renovate or something shiny and new. I have a lot to look forward to.

But please let this be a safe space where I can let off some stream when I need to and just tell me you’ll listen. Really, the thing I need is someone to hear me. If I really needed to leave for the weekend or something I’d figure it out. The honest to god truth is that if I had to have a failing husband and a pandemic in my lifetime…. bundling them up is saving me some serious time.

My lungs are my Achilles heel and I have no confidence that I’d survive a Covid infection so I am fine being the level of cautious I’ve had to be. I don’t want covid either!! If he died tomorrow I wouldn’t book the first flight out of here. I think the world is insane for living like 300++ (because it’s an undercount) Americans a day are not still dying from an active covid infection and an untold uncounted amount from the long term effects. No thank you!

So, this is the important part. What I need, the thing that helps me cope and gives me strength is just hearing people say I AM HERE WHEN YOU NEED ME and not “Get Help.” I don’t need help yet, I don’t want help yet, When I do need help I will ask for it. Right now I just need to hear HOLD ON. (Which is what I heard during the fraction of a second when my car was spinning and I knew some spirit energy of the universe had my back and I knew I was going to be okay). It actually upsets me when people start suggesting a nurse in the house, we had visiting nurses last summer. They were too stupid to properly wear a mask! Would I put him in a nursing home? Yes, I would if he loses the ability to ambulate. But he is not there yet, and so, neither am I. I’ve been down this road before I know what I can handle and I know what I am doing. When people push me to let strangers in or put him in the care of strangers it upsets me. So, please don’t.

TISMF- expanded

I managed to get out before the deluge this morning and got in a dog walk, foraged some pine cones to make muglio with, got some abandoned tennis balls from the HS tennis courts for the husband’s walker (I heard the real ones hold up better than the ones sold for walkers) and did a Trader Joe’s run for some seasonal products that Evan’s girlfriend said she had been hoping to score. Home by 11. Heavy rain set in about 20 minutes later. Now, I’ve just been vegging on the couch all day.

Lately, the husband’s diastolic blood pressure number has been in the 50s and I showed some concern yesterday when we were at wound care and the wound care nurse took his BP. I said something out loud and then she turned around and told me it was no big deal. WTF? I can’t believe she had the gall to say that when she has no idea about his other health issues. He is seeing the Heart Failure specialist next week so I’ll bring it up with him. Still, I’m starting to hate nurses. Most are wearing their masks incorrectly, under their noses which makes me want to slap some sense into them, and it also makes me believe they’re F-ing stupid. I’m a broken record already over here saying HOW ARE THESE PEOPLE SO LAX ABOUT COVID WHEN LONG COVID IS SO REAL FOR SO MANY???? Not to mention, 1/2 the people coming in and out of wound care are already in rough shape. Those bitches are going to kill someone.

Speaking of everybody’s favorite patient, he did get up and out of bed at some point today. I think it was around 11 and I gave him a bagel and of course he ate some cookies afterwards and within the hour he was falling asleep on his recliner so he went back to bed and now I just don’t know if he’s going to get up again. It’s always such a strange place to be where I just have no idea if he’s going to sleep the day away or if he’s going to be sitting in his chair and I need to pay attention to him. I really don’t like the uncertainty.

I am so frustrated. But also noting that at this point I could 100% be a professional waiter, not the kind who brings your food to the table, but someone who just sits around waiting. Waiting for the ax to fall, waiting for disaster…. So calmly too.

In other news, I’m on day 8 of having the squirts (sorry to be graphic but it is such a fitting description) all day every day but especially 15 minutes after I eat. I’m tempted to eat a normal meal because I think I’m finally not nauseated. I haven’t been taking my usual vitamins because swallowing huge pills when nauseated is not happening. I feel like I might start up again tonight. I’ve been eating rice mostly with a sweet potato one night and some bone broth yesterday. Maybe it was the bone broth that helped! It’s been difficult to drink enough fluid to keep myself hydrated. Today I bought a 50 ounce electrolyte water and also drank broth, sink water and a huge travel mug of weak tea (had to have something hot). So, you can rest easy that today I am practically floating away.

The shitty old man doctor I’ve been going to won’t help me here, I already know that, so Monday I will definitely be calling a Gastro doctor. It is the doctor the shitty doctor recommended so I don’t have high hopes, but it will be a start.

I have been on and off sad today. My friend from the lake died. He was only 43. He had some kind of cancer that he kept quiet about because he didn’t want to burden people. I dont know. That’s what his mom said on FBook. He was a real character. Had CP and a cushy settlement from the hospital where he was born that he lived off of. He was covered in insanely detailed colorful tattoos and I’m wondering if that is what gave him cancer. I recently read that 50% of tattoo inks had cancer causing ingredients in them. It’s just so shocking. I knew his whole family and told his mom I’d be happy to show her some photos I have of him (from when I was in school) and share them with her. Hopefully I can find out more details about his illness when we speak.

In recent years I have been distant from him after finding out he had befriended a bunch of actual Nazis when he briefly lived in Florida. He was definitely indoctrinated by conservative news media. He had a ton of weapons. Carried a gun in a man bag. Cameras all over his house- paranoid. I just thought he was so desperate for friends and it was easy to befriend others who were also right wing paranoid.

I always hoped he’d realize how he had been manipulated and would become the nice guy I think he could have been. It’s super sad. He should have had so much more time. I feel bad about practically ghosting him. But then I remember about the NAZIs. The dude was hanging with the lowest form of life ….. I’m still sad though. He didn’t live up to his potential. He should have had more time.

TISMF

BREAKTHROUGH!

I just did something that is so stupidly difficult for me to do. But I made myself do it. I’m so glad I did. I really want to see my friend, Pal, so I just called him and I told him I really want to see you but I can’t to come to you and I really just want you to come here and meet me and just walk and talk for a couple hours but you have to come to me. And it’s so hard for me to ask other people to do things for me but I made myself do it now I’m crying because I’ve been crying ever since that stupid fucker plowed into my car, but I’m so proud that I put my big girl panties on and asked for what I need.

I thought the dates had been successful but then I ate A TEASPOON of white fish salad and I was stricken again. Now I’m making a huge pot of rice and I’m going to put a generous amount of soy sauce on it because I’m getting worried about dehydration and I will be able to eat it. I’m much less nauseated today.

Yesterday the doctor said something about my adrenal glands being out of whack due to the accident so I internet searched acupressure points for adrenal support and was pressing on them and woke up a fraction of the nauseous I’ve been the past few days. So progress, one semi solid Poo and not so nauseated. Oy vey.

At least Josh taught me a new saying. I went to the local chiropractor and she cupped me. Josh told me that there is a Yiddish expression for when someone is doing something futile that goes IT’S AS HELPFUL AS CUPPING A CORPSE and I can’t wait to use it in conversation!!

I picked up the police report from my accident and I saw that the guy who hit me said that he stopped at his stop sign and that my car came out of nowhere. Also I saw his name and Josh found him on LinkedIn and he’s an 80 year old lawyer who lives in this town. Maybe lawyers say they stopped at a stop sign in hopes that the accident wasn’t completely obvious and they were the cause of it? I don’t know it really made me want to beat him up.

TIS with the zoom link for tonight's photography critique

Here ye here ye
Clickmom is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Bring your bad self and bask in the glory of R**** and T*****’s work.

FYI- Your girl CLICK was in a car accident a few weeks ago and is physically fine (maybe?) but her head is FUCKED UP
So, if some asshole drove into you at 45 mph, spinning and totaling your car, and your brain was
messed up afterwards prepare to share your story.
I need to hear how this is temporary.

My symptoms: I cry, but not in the way I normally cry, like telling you how much I love my kids, NO NO NO Nowadays I
burst into tears at the sight of a beautiful tree or thinking about anything from Hawks to my dead grandmother to plastic waste.
(sigh. grandma was so cute) I almost cried at this adorable baby in costco today. She looked like if Dora the Explorer was a
three month old and it was everything I could do not to be creepy and pinch her chubby little legs.
It’s bad y’all!!

Other symptom: I feel stupid. The wheels just aren’t turning the way they normally do.
Like I can hear the empty spaces where its supposed to be me responding to someone and I am not quite sure what they have said.
My new favorite thing to say… "Wait. What did you say?"
It’s bad y’all.

And now, I may or may not have vestibular neuritis, which is what my doctor thinks I have (Feeling sick all weekend
and trying to hide it so I can have a normal time with my 2 kids who showed up for mother’s day and not bring more illness into their lives) except I believe
that old man doctor to be a little too quick with the diagnosis and not so great in the listening department, but what ever it is I would like to disinvite it.
It sucks.

See ya tonight!

TISMF about the replacement car I just bought

Just sent this text to the little *+=!* that sold me the car. I actually held back because I would love to tell her she needs to dress professionally as well (I would bet money she was wearing pajama bottoms with her 4 inch stilettos) but you know, trying not to hit too far below the belt. Long story short, there is fucking tree sap on my car and she was supposed to have her GM call me but I didn’t get a call and she did not reply to my text. So I sent her this…..

Okay. You’re going dark. That’s fine. I’ll be phoning your GM tomorrow about the sap on the car.

I just want to give you one piece of advice from someone who made the conscious decision to get out of sales. In sales (I was a head hunter for a while when I was your age) we are commonly taught to lie. As a head hunter I was taught to lie to both the businesses and the personnel we placed - just to get the person in the job. And I got good at it. But it takes a toll on a person, and ultimately I made the decision that I would not participate in lying. I found a job that didn’t make me feel bad.

You’re not a great liar, you contradict yourself. (Three obvious times I can think of, and I was not even paying attention) But everyone knows that car sales people lie. That’s why they are so generally despised. So maybe decide that you’re going to buck the system and be the one who doesn’t. Lord knows the reputation of your dealership could use a polish. But if you decide that you can live with being a liar, you’re going to need to get better at it. Good luck. Choose wisely.

started this a few days ago

I'm not even texting this to anyone because I don't think anyone I know would understand how I am feeling. This is the kind of thing you have to go through to understand.

I got a new replacement car yesterday, and before I went to the dealer I had to go to the bank and get a back check. When the cashier saw that it had to be made out to the car dealership she said "Oh! A new car, how exciting!" And I couldn't be a normal person and say YEAH! I had to be me and say Not exactly. I wasn't planning on a new car. Someone ran a stop sign and totaled my car. This isn't my choice. And she told me that she had been in a similar accident. I told her I was sore but otherwise physically fine but that my head was so messed up. She said I WAS MESSED UP FOR A LONG TIME AFTERWARDS. IT WAS BAD. And while normally, I don't want folks to tell me about the bad things that might happen to me, in this particular situation I was thankful for the confirmation. I mean, it's not like I didn't do an internet search and read all the stories about this, but in a world where we all slap on a brave face and do the things we need to do you never know who has a shared experience out there until you start oversharing, you know? It's important to see someone else (who is just fine in the present day) saying they struggled emotionally after an accident just like I am doing right now.

Its weird AF. A piece of this feels like my perception of time is still screwed up. Like everything else is moving at a different speed than the speed I am in. It's so hard to explain. Also I keep getting choked up. Normal (not-just-in-an-accident-me) me cries at the drop of a hat, so I am used to crying but this is taking crying to a whole new level, a WHOLE new level. Pretty much anything I feel that isn't a middle range emotion makes me weep. Too happy? WEEP! Angry? WEEP! Sad? WEEP AGAIN! What. Is. Happening. To. Me???  0/10 do not recommend. 

Update: Just sat down at the computer to find this unfinished post. It's been a couple of days. I think I may have turned the corner-emotionally. I still got choked up today trying to explain the surprising yet all encompassing feeling of well being that I had in the prolonged slow motion instant of the crash. I really think I was experiencing something profoundly spiritual (Mom? You showed up for me, didn't you?) and I don't want to sweep it under the rug! I want to know. Even though thinking about that gets me right in the feels I think that my emotions are returning to pre-crash levels. I don't think I feel as irritated or as bouncing back and forth between hysterical and bottomless pit of sadness anymore. I might just be having a good day or two, so I don't want to commit, but I am hopeful. I think my brain chemistry is settling down.

Yesterday sweet pea and I got caught in the woods for a little rain session. I had my camera with me, but then recalled that there might be a tiny umbrella in the bottom of my camera bag, and not only did I have an umbrella but I also had a rain cover for my camera bag, which I quickly fitted onto the bag and then doubled up on protection with the tiny little umbrella, so walking in the rain became a less nerve wracking event and I was able to enjoy being all alone in the woods with my sweet angel baby dog, in the rain. She hates rain so I had to grab a photo of wet her and pretended she was annoyed with me for the rain. I laughed at our predicament and thats how I knew I was on the mend.

Today I drove to the stepford chiro and forgot about the toll paying device that used to be velcro-ed to the window of (that is right now sitting in the entrance to the house in a bag with other car clutter) the car that got totaled. DOH!! I laughed every time I drove up to a toll and had to hand a human some cash. It's been a long time since I had to actually pay a toll with cash and coin! I was chuckling the first time I pulled up to the toll and the toll taker gave a quizzical look. I told her "New car, forgot to install the device!!" and she told me she liked the color of my new car and I told her that I am calling the new green car She-Hulk and we both laughed, wished each other a nice weekend and I drove off. It was a lovely tiny human interaction and I think we (society in general) need more of those. I'm going to make a concerted effort to be kinder and more connected to the people around me as I move through this world. Hopefully they'll decide to do the same and the world can be more kind and gentler. 

 

TIS the sales person I just bought the new car from

(Preface this with: while I was at the dealership someone else took the car to the car wash next door. There was what looked like bird poo on it afterwards so the sales person and I went back to the car wash. I got home, saw the spots were still there and asked my mechanic what to buy to get them off. He told me to make the dealer donut so I texted the sales person, who said that today they’d take the car to be detailed. I was out when they returned it and here is my follow up text …)

So, I just got back to the house. Most of the goo is gone from the back of the car but each spot still has a little bit left. I can’t deal with this. I need to be done with replacing the car so I can move on from this accident so I’m not going to follow up on this- unless the spots that remain end up ruining the paint job somehow. Then I will let a lawyer handle this for me.

I have to tell you that the entire process of buying this car has been incredibly frustrating and unnecessarily tedious. Apart from negotiating the price, you were not even remotely prepared for me when I arrived at the dealership. The car was dirty, no gas, all the plastic was still in place, the car mats not installed, nothing that needed to be signed was printed out and ready to go. It shouldn’t take 3 hours to buy a car when you’re walking in with a check and paying in full. Maybe you can be part of change there. It’s very much needed.

The next time someone tells you they’re having a tough time you should treat them better.

Shower thoughts

I was thinking about how bad I am at remembering what movies are about. I remember exactly how they made me feel, what colors and sounds (talking about synesthesia) I associate with them … but not the actual details of the movie. And I’m not even going to go there when it comes to the names of the characters!!

Then I realized I do the same thing when reading novels. And I wondered how long I had been so forgetful about the details and I immediately remembered the reading program they used in my elementary school. It was called SRA and every class had a bunch of boxes of reading materials that were organized in a way to get more sophisticated and in depth with language and reading skills. So there were different levels and within those levels were subsets of reading level materials THAT WERE COLOR CODED!!! What a freaking nightmare for little me! I can vividly recall the levels of annoyance rising to distress as I had to spend more time with the longer more complicated materials as I got older. When the color didn’t match the story it made my brain short circuit. By the time I was in third grade I hated those things so much that I’d just cheat … oh yeah, kids were supposed to take a little quiz and then score themselves at the end of each piece of reading material. We all cheated and lied. I just only cheated and lied without even trying to read those god awful color coded circuses.

Oh yeah, and when I was ten I loved The Bobsy Twins because the cover art matched the words but I could NOT with those Nancy Drew covers. Nope. No Nancy.

So, I guess my answer is ALWAYS, I’ve always been weird.

I got a new car today. I’m so relieved. The whole haggling process made me want to vomit. It’s really a disgusting process.

My new car is green. I was joking with the kids about names. We all kind of liked She-Hulk. And that character’s government name is Jennifer and now I want to call my car Jennifer. I think it’s a hilarious car name.