Spring sports are here! Hurray the shooting is outside again! Since there has been much baseball in my agenda for the past two weeks, I thought I would do an all baseball (yeah spring sports!) all letter (hello NaBloPoMo) weekly winners. Hello sarcasticmom!
Grandma's new wheels
All the patients who need constant watching get pushed into the open area and are seated around a television. Grandma doesn't like this. But they do it to her so she doesn't try to get out of the wheel chair again. Most of the others do not talk. One talks to himself all day long.
Waiting for the female nurse to help her into the bathroom.
Every one needs reassurance from their loved ones. This lady felt like a burden to her daughter.
Happy to see her own family.
Go to sarcasticmom for more weekly winners! She's got the big juicy master list!
I started out the week busier than usual but always looking out for something inspirational to capture. The weight of what is going on hadn't really fully effected me yet. I was excited to see the full moon rise and managed to capture it on my iphone
And then I saw this on the floor in the hall right outside grandma's room. And I recognized it as one of grandma's pills. And I wondered if grandma had thrown her medicine at the nurses that morning. She can be like that. So I didn't ask. But being there with someone who is so difficult makes me feel very small. Like I hope I can be invisible so no one looks at me and tries to see how I am going to be difficult one day too.
And by the end of her first week in the hospital she started to shut down too. She didn't want to hear that her toe might have to come off.
I tried to find something to shoot today, it's my birthday, but I woke up all swollen and puffy eyed, so no self portraits, and nothing outside the window was remarkable, so I pretty much just gave up. Happy birthday to me, I wonder what time I should go to the hospital. Feeling very sorry for myself right now.
Go to sarcasticmom to see more (less depressing) weekly winners.
Once more, I give you sarcasticmom's weekly winners!
This week I shot wrestling. I completely love shooting wrestling. There is this great mood of shooting wrestling. I find it very zen and very meditative most times. It's a pretty intense sport, there is much strategy and lots of brute strength. When I am shooting for the paper I sit on the side waiting for a chance to catch both wrestler's faces at the same time. Not as easy as you might think. After I sent in my shots for the assignment tonight I sat in front of my computer, reviewing the hundreds of photos I took at this week's tournament and noticing how the boys bodies were all tangled around each other and how they would grab each other. And I started to notice how much those grabs just kind of spoke to me. It was very poetical, in a way. How I could see such strength in some of them or movement and energy in some of the others. So I started to go through the shots again, looking for chance photos of hands and arms that said something. And I pulled some of those photos out and cropped the heck out of them and converted them to black and white. And here they are, freshly edited for your viewing pleasure wrestling photos:
I started this blog 3 years ago after an unsettling assignment I did for the paper. Go check out my very first post. so, happy three years to me. Back then I had to cover the funeral of an 18 year old. His story was as tragic as a super nice everybody's friend kid every body loved 18 year old dying of some previously undetected heart defect coud be. And he was an only child. Even worse.
I had just read about mommy bloggers (but I don't we were called that yet) in a NY Times article. Needing an outlet for what I had just experienced at the funeral I fished out the article to figure out what to do/how to do it and started my blog. At the time I thought this funeral was the beginning of more and more sad heart breaking stories for me and I wanted an outlet to write about my life as a full time mom and part time photojournalist. Which is pretty funny if you ever see my paper because besides a whole lot of high school sports it's all pretty much babies and kittens for me to photograph. So my idea of this blog being an outlet for me as a working mom went by the way side and the blog just became my outlet for every day life. I mention work occasionally, but honesty, I love my job, my real editor is like a second mother/friend to me, (no comment on the sports editor who keeps sending me to cancelled games) and the only funeral I shot after that boy's one was an unremarkable older guy that just didn't bother me.
Tonight however, I shot the first meeting of the group that is organizing a local Relay For Life event here. In case you don't know it is a fund raiser for the American Cancer Society. I kept thinking about my parents. I was fine for a while, shooting photos and thinking that people were there mostly in support of old people who had cancer, but as I shot the people and asked them their names and some background for the photo caption I have to submit with my photo, I realized that most of the people there were in fact survivors. And they all looked like they could be me. Or at least they looked like they could be sititng in the next SUV in the pick up line at any of my kids school's. And then I remembered that I still have that procedure scheduled for the 25th.
Now I am not sure where I fit in in this world. Obviously I am a supporter of my parents. But am I a survivor? Or will I be a survivor? It seems like an exageration to say "me too" to cancer. I mean, one more small procedure and I assume I am going to be just fine. No hospital stay, no seriously long and painful recovery, no dreadful chemo, no hair loss. Just a slice and a boo boo and the only after effect of this for me is going to be obsessive mirror looking. Because I am always going to be worried and looking. So even though I had to run out of there crying when the middle school kid started telling about her mother's fight with cancer, I am not sure if I am just the daughter of people with cancer or if I could possibly be or if I really am one of them.
And now for another installment of sarcasticmom's weekly winners!
The first photo here is a tribute to my blogger pal Danelle's husband Mark. Mark is going to be knighted, and I hope he is as excited about being a knight as this knight we met at the Museum of Natural History is about being a knight.
time for another installment of Sarcasticmom's 
Sometimes I get a bit jealous that Josh's piano teacher can teach him something as completely awesome as making music. I have to teach him to tie his sneakers.
Sometimes I feel like the girl in the back. Like everything is just a tiny bit out of my reach.
And then Josh loses his tooth and needs another note from Evan to the tooth fairy and Evan misunderstands, but it doesn't matter because Josh falls asleep before the note is finished, and Evan writes this kind of totally Evan-esc note and I see that my kids are so fine that they can support and care for each other.
And grandma turned the big 96 today. I got her the biggest cake I could and invited everyone at the OFH to have a piece. It was hard to watch her bruised and confused face, but she was so happy that everyone was there. Well, everyone except my mother, but we don't expect much from her.
Since I don't hang too much with the younger crowd any more, I don't personally know too many people who are expecting. I really loved taking all those new baby shots last summer and feel like I could really use some new baby shots right now to just kind of fill me up with that new baby wonderment. I tried accosting a couple of pregnant women at pick up at the school, (okay, I have to admit that one was covered with tatoos-such a rare sight around here- and I was all like OMG! What an awesome photo shoot that would make!) but I have to face it that I am one of those "older" mothers and those younger mothers (like I most likely did when Matt was in 1st grade) look at me like I am, well, an older mother. I am not imagining this. They all look about 20 to me!
The other night, when it is entirely possible that I was teasing Matt about his hair style and the dilemma he will likely face one day once he realizes he is getting bald, Matt declared "Ben Franklin had awesome hair!". After I got over the shock and disbelief one might feel when hearing that statement declared in such a heartfelt manner and also with such a straight face, I thought perhaps I would google image old Ben's styling hair. You know, for a post that Danelle would sure to comment on!
And, as I am sure you know you very well, one link led to another to another and so on and so on and so on until I somehow I ended up on a sight that sends volunteer photographers to hospitals to take free portraits for families who have for any reason lost a newborn baby. There were beautifully crafted photos of both the babies alone as well as the parents holding their newborn deceased babies.
When Matt was in Kindergarten a new family moved to town. The kid of the family could not behave himself and Matt made it his personal 5 year old mission to try to explain the ins and outs of good behavior to this kid. I got friendly with the mom who had lost a baby (stillborn) just before moving to our town. She had some of those cheesy hospital portraits on the multi-color pastel background of the baby and very time we visited their house, those pictures were prominently displayed on a different surface. I just knew in my heart that that mourning mom was carrying those photos around with her all evening every night. They disappeared after 4 or 5 months (witness protection program- I kid you not) and I never heard from her again.
I started this blog after photographing a young boys funeral (for the paper) and feeling unsure about it. What do you think I did? I volunteered to do these photo portraits at our local hospital. I'm not sure how it will affect me, (if they even contact me) but if there is a need for this and it will help someone in their healing process, then I'm all over it. If it is too hard I can always quit, but at least I can ease some pain for someone along the way.
And now another installment of sarcasticmom's....
Evan and I took a nature walk today and here is some of the dead of winter we observed.
My sports editor sent me to a swim meet that had been cancelled today. Grrr. But the upside was that the kids were being taken care of and I had the time free so I stopped by to visit grandma. I walked her down to the dining room and sat down with grandma and that woman from Argentina that grandma can not understand. The woman from Argentina began telling me how every year her father would make his own homemade wine from concord grapes and every night everyone (kids included) at the table would get a glass. And when the wine ran out her mom would make her own beer every week. My imagination was running wild. I wished I could have been there. And it made me love the old Argentinian woman even more. And I decided that I am going to do a photo series on the people of the OFH. They (the OFH) had previously asked me if I could come in and take some photos for them to put around the place since the ones they have now have been around a while and many of those residents are no longer there so I figure I'll have some carte blanch to walk around with my camera. What is going to be interesting is when I keep coming back time after time with my camera and become a fixture in the corner with my camera and they all begin to wonder just what I could possibly be photographing again and again. So I figure I'll tell them I am doing a little book for them (and naturally I will print up a book or two for them) but what I will be doing is trying to create a body of work that is a study, that tells a story and describes the people. But what I am really wondering is if I can take photos that tell the story that I see feel and hear there every time I visit. I want to show all the sadness and the hope and the little victories of being that old and still carrying on with some pride and dignity.
So I am trying something new here. It's sarcasticmom's weekly photo display where you post our favorite photos of the week. I have had a pretty dry week- I had two assignments from the paper, both basketball games which I am not entirely fond of due to the indoor lighting and my resistance to purchasing strobes that I could mount for good lighting, and would if my heart's desire was to be a high school basketball photographer, but it isn't so I either make due with my on camera flash or occasionally can do without flash, but only in gyms with real funky lighting and when shooting girls, because they move just a little slower than the guys. So, not in keeping with the rules of the game I am going to show you some photos I had put aside for an old pst that never got posted. I am going to share with you some of the hundreds of holiday card rejects that I rejected this time around. Here we go.....
Now do you have an idea why it took me four different sittings to get a shot to send out?
Anyway, here are some shots from those basketball games. I like a stranger dorky guy in dorkier hat and also I love the blooper shots.
Okay, if you think I need to focus a bit more on taking some of the good stuff this week show me your jazz hands!
Okay then, the basketball players have spoken. My head is bowed in shame and I promise there will be better quality here next week.
Josh was just the absolute easiest bestest sweetest dream come true kid in the world today. And when he wasn't being only that (as if it isn't enough) he was being too freaking adorable. We spent the day with Boops' kids (who are Matt's and Evan's age) and I kept waiting to hear them call out for Josh's removal. They didn't have a single issue with him all day.
Then when we sat down to dinner (chinese takeout) Josh asked for a stallion pancake. I just love when kids do that. Then, a few bites later, Josh turned to me and used TV speak when he said "Mom, do you want to know what you get for me? Well, coming this summer from the award winning folks who brought you Lego Star Wars...." As horrifying (exactly how much tv does he see?) and annoying (talk like a kid kid!) as the TV speak is, I just want to wrap him in a tortilla (gluten free) and start munching every time he does it.
Maybe it is just him. I dunno.
Then tonight I needed to do some portraits if the boys. But I wanted to do it individually. First I grabbed Evan, then I called Matt up and then I called Josh, except Josh thought I was calling him for his bath so he shows up in my studio 2 minutes later in his birthday suit. And being as comfortable as a 6 year old can be in his birthday suit he plops right down on the stool and can't wipe the big grin off his face. But here is the one thing, I (for some reason) want to take a serious portrait and Josh can not stop laughing and giggling.
So, he's trying as hard as he can to hold the happiness in but he can't. And it is all so sweet and so naked and so this very moment and it won't last forever that my heart feels like it will just explode all over the room with all the love and happiness. And finally Josh manages to hold a serious face for a few seconds and I am in shock because WHERE DID MY BABY GO?
And who put this similar looking grown up-ish guy in his place? But it was only for a frame or two because before I knew it the giggles broke through and my baby was back and I am so incredibly grateful that I got that little bit of today on .. well I was going to say film but I guess I technically I got it on .... memory card and now through this modern miracle of 21st century technology I can put it here for you to see too.
Ever since I noticed the moon outside my bedroom window and what a great sunrise view of it I could possibly have I can not stop myself from snapping wide awake as soon as the first light filters through my thin see-thru window shades. Truthfully, two shades are completely up giving my neighbors a nice nudie show each night, but I have to be able to locate that sometimes visible moon as soon as my eyes burst open and my neck snaps my head towards the window every crack of dawn. Hopefully my neighbors are actual star gazers and those troubling telescopes in their windows do not have infrared capabilities. Yesterday I had a little victory with some pink clouds and everything.
Went on a little photo excursion to a highway scenic overlook with my editor tonight. We made the gay guys in search of action pretty uncomfortable at the highway scenic overlook, but they just moved their vehicles to the other end of the scenic overlook while us two middle aged (*gasp*) fat ladies stood there snapping away at the pretty scenery on the end with the better view of the sunset. I know (knew) these things happened but was embarrassingly surprised to see that people are still doing stuff like this in places like that. When I still lived in Manhattan I used to take my dogs for early morning walks with out their leashes on in Central Park. One day my big scary looking black shepherd dog ran into the reeds by the lake and scared quite a few young gay men who were right in the middle of something I try not to think about happening in what I imagine to be fun family oriented recreational areas like Central Park. Seriously guys. Just seriously. Get a room.
Anyway, I had my little melt down last night (farewell 2007! sniff sniff) and finally realized that I had been handling my stressful life in tiny little day to day-hour to hour-appointment to assignment-meal to meal segments and that this ability to only see a few hours into the future was what was helping me through these difficult times. Last night reflecting on the enormity of a whole 366 days (leap year) of future before me was no better than drowning in quick sand. When I imagine myself a year from now I may very well have had to bury a relative or even two. And who even knows what the next year holds for the kids. This year seems to good to ever be duplicated. There will be more new teachers, Evan (my baby!) will be in Middle School, Matt will be more of a man, Josh less of a baby and Evan .. who knows. I'm not stupid enough to ever guess what he has in store for me. When it comes to Evan I am just crossing my fingers and saying a prayer. I'll still find it rough to be around the SIL and BIl and still surely have much guilt about that. Lil sis's kids will continue to grow up without much of me in their lives too, not because I choose to have it that way but because of living 3 hours away is like living on a different planet when she and I are both being pulled in 18 different directions on any given day and never do those directions meet.
Will I be fit in 208? Will I shed this other person worth of weight I am lugging around in 2008? (Hey, my new theme LOSE THE WEIGHT IN 20008!) Will I rediscover my creative self in 2008? Will I be a better parent in 2008? Will I hold it together through all the messy life sucks trauma of 2008? I dunno the answers to those questions. Hopefully all my resolutions will hold true. Hopefully I'll conquer all my demons. But maybe not. Hey I'm only human. I might end up still fat a year from now, I may not have a big glorious portfolio of work to show you, and my kids might still watch too much tv and eat too much crap, but what ever ends up happening I'll have to tell myself that I gave it my best (because maybe I just didn't have that much to give in 2008). Or maybe I do.
The friends we went to Alaska with (1 1/2 years ago) were here today and I sat down at my computer to burn some of the Alaska photos I took on that vacation for them. I was so inspired by my awesome shots that I decided I have to push myself to do more landscape stuff. I'm good. I think I'm really good, (okay, really, I think I am awesome) and part of our conversation with the friends today was how artists tend to be really bad at business and need some kind of manager to push them along. My hand was raised. Guilty. I can not promote myself. Nor can I seem to put my own private photography (aside from the occasional portrait work that falls into my lap) anywhere on my priority list. Hopefully that will work itself out as my folks resettle them selves back in Florida. I was looking at the class list from a local art center and am toying with the idea of signing up for an advanced study photo class. I think I need that kind of kick in the butt. If I have to attend a critique each week, then I will have to produce some work to be critiqued. Logical, right?
After the visiting family left, I was so inspired by my own work that I took two of the shots that I had printed out a long time ago, framed them and hung them up in my studio. (They look great, if I do say so myself. As a matter of fact, the whole wall, which has an small assortment of other stuff on it too, looks pretty damned great, and now I really want to get to work.) But here is the thing. I couldn't bring myself to write my married name on the mat for the photo. So I wrote my maiden name. And I feel totally guilty about it. Except the truth is that I have a huge hang up about my married name. Huge.
First I can tell you that my third grade best friend had my married surname and her mother was the meanest nastiest mother I could ever imagine. As a kid I feared her. I'd shake if she made eye contact with me. Seriously, you can not imagine a mother openly despising her kid more than the mother of my 3rd grade best friend (who had my husband's surname) hated her own kid. This mother made every single Disney step-mother look like Mother Theresa. Seriously. Even my mother admits it, and they were kind of friends back then. So, I have a bad association with the name. It's like calling me Mrs. Evil.
And then there is this other aspect of the hang up: When I became a photographer I was still me with my maiden name. And choosing photography was not an easy breezy choice for me to declare having my parents for parents. They just didn't know how I could possibly make a living if I didn't graduate college with a Dr., a J.D, or an Mrs. I had to defend my choice every step of the way. It was part of me finally standing up for a tiny bit of myself (that previously unrecognized by anyone but grandma creative part) for the very first time. But I gotta tell you, once I took that first photo 101 class I was declaring myself a photo major before we even got to midterm exams. That was how sure I was. That is how photography touched me. Once I had gotten my feet wet there was nothing else I was going to study.
So I was very active, photographically, all through college and then not afterwards. You see I worked so hard and for so many publications during school that I just wanted to take a little time off ina mindless (head banging boring) job before jumping back into the trenches. And then just as I got my self back into photography (working for a local paper in Brooklyn and freelancing for the Botanical Gardens there too) I met the husband, moved in with him in Manhattan (and away from the two freelance positions I had just accepted) and lost touch with photography again. The year was 1989. Then I became a teacher, got married, I was guilted into changing my last name by the husband (he is so going to deny that one!), then the husband left my beloved trusty all metal body perfect Nikon FE2 camera on a train in Italy (he can't believe that I can not let go of that! But I say why not just leave my left foot on the train!), I had Matt, had Evan, moved to the burbs, had Josh, and then finally re-sparked my love of all things photo in 2001 when I volunteered to be the publicity volunteer for Matt's school. I was hired by the paper 9 months later, and the rest just fell into place.
But here is the thing, me as my married name is many things, but not a photographer in my own mind. Me as my maiden name is the me who is a photographer. And not only is me as my maiden name a photographer, me as my maiden is a photographer who can take a stand for herself. Me as my married name is never putting myself first. Me as my married name is actually hardly her own person at all. Me as my married name is someone's wife, someone's mom and some other me-ish but not totally me stuff like the class party snack maker. So I think I need to be me as my maiden name (I miss that me) when it comes to my photos. Or maybe I am just being ridiculous.
What do you think? (About the name thing.) Here are the two photos I put up on my wall today.
Wow, I have been totally busy and entirely consumed with this new project of mine. I have been asking around to find a web host that will not only show my excess sports photos for me but will also sell my excess photos at a price that I determine and I finally found one! So I have been trolling the internet checking out the competition and comparing prices, bla bla bla, and it should be up and running in about a week! The thought that I have been working for virtually free all these years and now for a few extra minutes of downloading on each assignment I have the potential to rake in some extra cash that far exceeds what I get at the paper thrills me to absolutely no end. You can not imagine. I don't know how folks stare at these screens all day long because seriously, I have been sitting here until I can't focus anymore and it doesn't take all that long. The first one who makes a crack about my geriatric eyesight gets in right in the inbox! Pow!
That doesn't mean that I missed Pam declare her true feelings for Jim tonight, that screen was focusable. Go Pam! Woo Hoo! And man, I might have to walk on coals every once in a while because I have been holding some serious bad stuff in. Things one might hear me say if I were to have a Pam moment: 1. You send rude emails, bitch. Stop! 2. You are so boring. Shut up. 3. I don't care anymore! Go away. 4. Your photos suck. Don't talk to me. Yeah, there are more but, um... the other ones would be too obvious.
So, in a completely unrelated arena, costumes are totally big with my kids. Evan wore one almost every single day of his little life between the age of 2 and 3 1/2. Other mothers would be disappointed he showed up at school to pick up Matt in his regular clothes. I suspect they had a bookie and were betting on who he would appear as each afternoon. They had each costume inventoried. As a matter of fact, if you look closely at our holiday card from 1999 Evan appears to be chunky, but in reality he insisted on wearing the plush Simba costume and I just tugged his chunky knit sweater over it. His furry legs are only slightly visible. When Evan requested karate lessons at age 4 I wasn't sure if he actually wanted to take karate or if he just wanted the outfit. We used to buy Evan 3 or 4 costumes at every halloween. Then Matt got into movie making so we are always in need of hats, mustaches, any sort of disguises will do. In school Evan's class did biography project recently. The kids worked very hard reading biographies and pulling out all the pertinent information. As a culminating activity they got to participate in a "wax museum" where each child dressed as their biography subject stood around the gym as friends and family members approached the children would come to life as their characters and give a one minute speech about themselves. Evan was Neil Armstrong. As we drove to the costume shop for an astronaut costume Evan mentioned that Neil was blonde haired and blue eyed. I said "Evan you can't change your eye color so what are you really asking me?" And surprise surprise Evan wanted to bleach his hair. Well, let's just say we tried. I don't know much about hair bleach and I guess Evan's hair was too dark brown for Loreal. But, you know, platinum blonde or Liberace tacky gold couch, it's all the same to me, or what I really mean to say is that Evan didn't get platinum, only couch, See for yourself. I am such an easy mom, really, I deserve something.
So, the husband got me a new camera for chanukah, and this how fearful of technology I am. I haven't even charged the battery. I am not proud here, and I have decided to put it out there for all to see to help, um, inspire, yeah, inspire me, to overcome my fear. So, I have three goals for this week-
1. I will familiarize myself with the new camera, I mean, it can't be that much different from the old one.. right? ... I hope... and
2. I will make an appointment at the apple store to fix my laptop so that I can update my photoshop and put all those new photoshop skills into use.
3. I will decide on a theme or two to explore with my new camera. These are the front runners
a. portraits
b. nature (as in: I live to close a swamp)
c. beautiful photos of road kill (yes, I am afraid I am serious with this one)
This was not taken with the new camera, or even the old camera for that matter. It was taken by the little point and shoot I keep in my purse just in case I see something that I have to record. Hey- it comes in handy! Now, I have seen tons of deer and squirrels and an occasional racoon, and other critters, I have no idea, they are brown. I see them and they are often (yuck I can't believe I am saying this) fresh, and seem whole and are lying on the side of the road looking rather, well, graceful. I wondered if I could do a little series of really thoughtful portraits of these animals. Morbid? Too weird? I am wondering why I would want to, since there is not a likely market for road kill photos, well, maybe the Sierra Club, or someone protesting suburban sprawl...... It just seems like a challenge, and different, and hopefully I won't get run over by a car while lying on the road trying to perfect my craft. Wouldn't that be ironic? I am laughing just imagining my editor trying to think of a headline for that one!
Anyways, first step: get the machines oiled and ready. I put it out there to you readers and now I have no choice. Thanks for the help.
