clickmom

over the edge

We hopped into the truck to make our way home around noon today. It was a quiet morning. We spent it sipping coffee and eating (I am so sick in my stomach right now) donuts with the agent who first showed us utopia and to whom I will be forever grateful. He wanted to see the new house so we called him and asked him over. During our chat he told us how his girlfriend was dying of cancer and how they had just taken what he believed would be their last trip together. I sat there listening while in the back of my head thinking to myself that I am not ready to hear about other people's suffering. The whole last year for my mom was really about silently suffering (which she did) and that is where the pain is for me. Even though mom never let on to how bad she felt it was obvious. One day she asked for a bowl of cookie dough ice cream. At the end she had left all the dough pieces in the bowl. She reluctantly admitted she was too exhausted to chew.

Driving in the rain up the causeway I was relieved to not have to hear about the agent's girlfriend. I feel for her. Maybe too much. And then we came upon this....
Our neighbor, who I call the sentry, had gone on a dump run while her husband, who did not feel well, slept in. The sentry had taken their new puppy on the errand and when she returned and tried to park in the roadside platform about their yard her brakes gave out and her car did not stop but instead rolled straight over the edge. She was bumped and bruised from the crash and burned from the airbag. The puppy had been tossed forward from the back seat but was fine. When I realized it was the sentry who had been in the car I almost fell to pieces. The sentry is my mother's age. I couldn't bare the thought of anything bad happening to her. If the sentry had been hurt in that accident... I just don't know what I would have done.

still home being sick-weight loss update on the bottom

OMG people, I can not believe how sick I am! The good news right this second is that my eyes can actually focua on and read the screen as I type this. First time screen has been in focus since last Saturday!

Here's how worse illness in 5 years (since the pneumonia where I ended up hospitalized) went down. Last week I had a post nasal drip, then a sore throat, and then some seriously swollen glands. I wondered why I felt so weak and tired on Saturday. But on Sunday I woke up feeling really off. My soy-berry detox diet smoothie made me nauseous. I ran to the grocery store to buy lunch and dinner supplies and needed a sweatshirt to go out the door. t was 78 degrees.

I made it home, took my temp, 101.3 and took to my bed. I didn't even unpack all the groceries. Eventually the fever went up to 102 and then I got to have the click family routine fight with the husband that goes like this.

Husband : You must take something to reduce the fever
Me: The fever is what destroys what is making me sick! I don't want to take a fever reducer!

Repeat over and over again until someone who is not lying in bed with a fever gets so frustrated that he throws a pillow and storms out of the room and then I end up taking the fever reducer anyway because my fever goes up to 103.5 and my swollen neck glands hurt so much I wanted to make that pain stop. Then I sweat buckets for the next three hours because that is what the fever reducer does to me when the fever is being reduced. And then I lie about taking more fever reducer before I go to sleep because I would rather huddle under the blankets and shiver all night then sweat buckets all night.

But Monday my fever ran around 101.5 which was completely tolerable. I still slept off and on (mostly on) all day long. My neck glands were killing me. Pretty much, with the exception of my whole foods outing I end up sleeping for about 60 hours from Saturday night to Tuesday morning.

Are you still with me here? Dang, I almost put myself to sleep. So readers digest: Sweaty crazy fever dreams with large horned bucks, wild cats, bull mastifs, pugs, and long never ending winding trails, wake up just a teensy fever still nauseous neck pain 9.6 on the 1 to 10 scale. Call good doc. Tell his machine he has to see me. He calls back and tels me to go in a ten. The husband drives me over and the good tells him that fever reducer is OPTIONAL! And that here is a benefit to not taking fever reducer since fever is how an immune system destroys an invader. Ah. Sweet Sweet Victory.

Doc declares I will likely be myself in another day or two, thinks what I have is viral, but swabs my throat for a couple of tests anyway, and I don't have strep and won't know what the other swab finds for a couple of days. In th ecar on the way home I realize I don't feel as bad as I did when I woke up and stop at WF for refried beans and avocado. I already have the corn tortillas, lettuce and salsa at home. My favorite detox lunch) But when I get home I need to lie down and I crash for 2 solid hours. When I wake up I eat the bean soft taco thingy (or three) and that is the first thing that I have had (except for a couple of pieces of fruit) since that berry smoothie Sunday AM.

Now everyone knows that getting sick and not eating for two days is kind of cheating when you have told the internet that you are going to do a weekly weigh in, but I was heading in this successful direction anyway so here is the weigh in after 1 week of detox including 2 days of illness....... ta daa..... ELEVEN POUNDS. Do you know what that means people? Yes it means I must be seriously dehydrated, I recognize that, but still, 11! I can't believe it. But I am happy to see it! Or not see it anymore! Goodbye to you.

Hhhhhello

Okay, here comes the post about the detox.

Are you still with me? Wow, I am impressed by your dedication.

When I went to good doc last fall and told him how crappy I felt and he started running tests he also recommended that I read Ultra-Metabolism by Mark Hyman MD. Good doc said that it was the diet that he lived by. Which pretty impressed me since good doc is a fit and trim older than me guy and also judging by the photo on his shelf in his office his wife is quite the fox. I'd like to be a fox too. So I bought the book. And it sat there gathering dust on my shelf for a few months. But I had mentioned it to Bubbles. And in February when it was my birthday and the book was good and dusty on my shelf Bubbles, who did not know that I had already bought the book, only remembered that good doc had recommended the book to me, gave me another copy of the book. Wow, I was totally guilt ridden. So I started to read the book that Bubbles gave me and gave the dusty one away.

And I told myself that I was going to read all the background and then understand the reasoning behind the diet and then do the diet. Which was a great idea. Add then I read the book painfully slow. But the first 200 or so pages is all about why we end up fat and all the imbalances and toxic causes of a slowed metabolism and I pretty much read the book and shouted "OMG that is SO ME!" all the way through. Because now that I have had every single bodily fluid and bio hazardous waste of mine examined and I know how many alarming issues I am harboring I can confidently say that I am chemically messed up. And this program claims it can turn my metabolism around. And clean me up and restore my health, and polish the scrapes out of my bumper, ...oh wait, that was my dream last night.

Pretty much the diet part of the book is the same old Mediterranean Diet that every one is all worked up about these days. But the two week detox before the rest of the diet is where I am now. Today is day 4 for me. The one huge draw back I am finding is that every meal and the two snacks a day all require some serious in the kitchen time. I don't normally do kitchen time for lunch and snacks. (Because why cook when I can simply unwrap?) And also, waiting a whole hour to cook some brown rice for breakfast is pushing it for my somewhat crazed morning routine. But I am doing it. And that is what counts. And truthfully, there isn't a drastic difference yet (so impatient grasshopper) except that I am less bloated (not sure anyone else can tell). I have no energy at all but who knows if that is stress related (1 more day to finish cleaning out grandma's apartment) or health related. I should be having a nice yeast die off right about now. That could make me feel poorly. Also, if all those heavy metals are on their way out that could drag me down too. Or I could have my own personal stressful life and then get rear ended by some Mario Andretti who thinks he can drive 50 MPH in a parking lot and ..... never mind. You get the idea.

But the upside of this diet is that the weight is melting off already. I am sure much of it is water weight (hence the less bloated feeling) since yesterday, on day 3, I dashed off to the bathroom about every 45 minutes. I hope all that pee contained arsenic! The food is palatable though (with the exception of the banana soy smoothie that made me nauseous for a good hour and a half this morning-never eating that again!) and the kids are even eating and enjoying some of the dinner dishes. Some of the dinners are vegetarian and I have to make an additional meat for the boys because around here if no animal has been sacrificed then it doesn't actually count as a real meal. Maybe a snack. And they want their meals real at meal time.

And as far as appetite is concerned I have none. It's nothing short of a miracle. Or maybe the stench of my own breath. I think that the reason I have no appetite is that everything except breakfast is heavy on garlic, onions and herbs and right about now I am smelling like a garlic flavored gum chewing middle eastern restaurant cook after a long night's work. How's that for foxy?! Hhhhhhhey Hhhhhandsoooohhmme. I am hoping that after a week I can hop on the scale and see Biggest Loser type results, (with less than 4 hours a day in the gym) and if the first 4 days are an indication of things to come, then I am going to be very happy next Tuesday! As far as I am concerned, water counts. And if trim (FOXY) has to equal stinky then let it be so. Bring on the garlic. I figure I will get used to it.

So that is my exciting detox news. I will have the second set of follow up blood tests in June, so hopefully something good will be the result.

send asphalt

Is it me or does everyone now think that every blogger out there with a Bogher Ad Network ad looks like Jennifer Weiner? (At least I think it was Jennifer, honestly, if her first name would have made me snicker in second grade like her last name did I would have remembered it better). For a while I thought all the bloggers were Asian women with lots of black bangles on their raised arms. If you guys think the same thing then I am wondering how effective those blogger ads must be because I can tell you what the chicks looked like but I can't tell you what they wanted me to buy. Also, to the people who make the hyper moving ads, if I can't change the size of my screen to eliminate your annoying moving ad then I will not read the website. That can't be good for business either. I am just saying.

One sure sign that spring has arrived in the garden state has nothing to do with all the green bulb leaves poking up from the ground, or the cardinals and the robins I have spotted flying through on their way back from somewhere, or even the warmer than recent temperatures. Nope, the real sign that spring is finally here are the axle bending pot holes on all of our local roads. Seriously, since this is a yearly occurrence and not some kind of an omen like everything else is, then it must be a signal. And what I suspect is that if you were say, on the moon looking down and admiring the garden state, just the opposite of me being in the garden state looking up admiring the moon, and the sun was at the right angle you could see all the pot holes (craters) and they might spell out something, not S.O.S., but maybe SEND ASPHALT or ROAD CREWS NEEDED HERE with a big arrow pointing right to my neighborhood.

I am a bit disappointed that I never got back to the great outdoors to do some more partially frozen photography this winter. I know it was grandma being in the hospital or rehab since February 17th. This has been a looooong 5 weeks. On Friday when I saw her last she walked the entire length of the rehab. She is actually in better shape than she was when she went into the hospital, because back then she was in so much pain from the bone infection that she couldn't even stand up straight. But keeping in mind that she went to the hospital because she fell and the lying SOB head nurse said she couldn't move one of her legs, then I want grandma to be as fall proof as she can be for her age before going back to the OFH. So I figure another week of therapy won't do her any harm. Tomorrow I am going to chat with the social worker at the rehab about bringing grandma back to the OFH. Also, I'd like to see if they can send a physical therapist to the OFH for a while. I know grandma will hate that, but it can only help in the long run. I can't believe we made it out of this one intact. Well, minus a little toe, but essentially the same grandma and me only a bit more stressed for the experience of it.

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks absolutely dairy free and some freaky things are going on with me. The two most annoying are this incredible swelling of my belly and a pain in my lower back. The pain in my back is like no other lower back pain I have ever felt, so I am wondering if it is my kidneys complaining about the yeast die off that I suspect I am going through. I was in much pain this morning and felt a little better after downing four or so glasses of water. Interesting enough, I pretty much had to run (slowly limp) to the bathroom after each glass of water, which leads me to believe that the water is not taking the long way out and instead running right through me with out doing much kidney cleansing. I'll have to call both the actual MD and my snake oil dispensing voo doo chiro tomorrow. Also, I have been seriously jonesing for and indulging in the sugar lately but tomorrow I am going cold turkey on that too. I am pretty sure I have eaten last trace of anything I can eat in the house (with the exception of the bagged sugar for baking which I have been known on occasion to eat by the spoonful- and YES this is embarrassing to admit) , so it shouldn't be all that hard as long as I can stay determined and focused. My big topic for the therapist this week is going to be the amount of internal whining I do and why I just can't suck it up and get on with my gluten/dairy/sugar/corn/tomato free life. I mean, I know there are worse things than needing to eat carefully.

I'm skipping the weekly winners again this week because once again inspration was hard to come by. I thought I might do something creative at that egg hunt but it was a bad atmosphere, and I barely shot my assignment let alone anything creative or extra. I took some crappy stuff on the iphone, but nothing really worth publishing, so I am skipping.

Now I am off to practice guitar before bed. If I do it for too long my fingers still hurt. And I am saving the content of my practice for it's very own post, but to be truthful with you, even I am starting to embarrass myself with the lightness of my light music taste. I figure it's just another day or two before I partake in liver spots and bifocals.

oral lube

Not that I am counting, but it has been 3 weeks and 3 days since I gave up all things dairy-licious. (Chheeeeeese, cheeeese, how I miss you cheeees!) Some people (my mother) who don't actually believe that I went to a real doctor (as opposed to some alternative incense burning snake oil salesman) and that the real doctor did a real test (as opposed to tarot cards, psychic vibes or the voodoo kinesiology tests the chiro does) to actually accurately diagnose (as opposed to looking into a crystal ball, reading tea leaves and making shit up) my real (as opposed to my hypochondriacally imagined) dairy allergy keep asking me if I feel better. Which is very frustrating, as I do not. feel. better. Maybe I even feel a little worse. Except some people (mom) are somewhat impatient about me having something to complain about and even I may have possibly began to wonder what is up with the not recovering my zest for living after all of this deprivation. (CheeEEEeese!) .

Last night, because I need shit like this to happen to me, before I went to bed I noticed uncharacteristically vile breath coming out of myself. So, I thoroughly brushed my entire oral orifice and went to bed quite satisfied that I would wake up 8 hours later and still be minty fresh. But it was not to be. I woke up practically gagging on the scent of my pie hole and ran back to the bathroom for more toothbrush action. I brushed and brushed and brushed. I felt like I couldn't brush the nastiness out. I spied some scope, grabbed it, swigged, and swooshed. and swooshed. and swooshed. Until the burning made my eyes water and when I spit it out the scope and sewage that is my current state of mouth and my stinky mouth juice had turned the green scope blackish gray.

blackish gray

scope

out of my mouth

as in

WTFFFFF????

So I ran to the chiro for his special kind of snake oil magic and asked him what the heck was going on with my oral lubrication? Oh, yeah, and I have the farts like you wouldn't believe. The chiro waved his magic vials of answers around me and declared me suffering from a massive yeast die off. And I was all like, wait a minute, that's a good thing! Yeast is dying in me and that is good! Dairy loving yeasts that have been my over stayed their welcome unwanted gastrointestinal guests are dying off so fast that they are stinking me up. I practically floated out of the office because finally some good news! I finally did something right!

So if I see you on the street and I happen to say "Hhhhello, hhhhow are hhhhue?" I am totally testing you to see if you will call me out for the stinking breath and then I am going to tell you how thrilled I am to hhhhhaaaave it.

My Allergic Things

Download my_song.aif

I should tell you that technically I am not allergic (in the life and death kind of allergic) to all the foods mentioned. For the test that I just took with the good doc my allergic response was rated on a scale of 1 to 5. I got a 5 for casein and a 4 for milk and the rest of the allergic reactions merely rated a 1 or 2 which are both considered a mild allergy. Good doc said I didn't even have to pay attention to those low numbers and that everyone gets a bunch of 1s. Some of the other foods from the song I have an intolerance to, which is more of a digestion issue than an allergy. But it's not a short song, so I took creative liberties witht he words. I just sang the song straight out and then Matt enhanced it on garage band with the beat and echo before posting for me. This means that 1. I don't in reality have to ability to echo my voice 2. there were no back up instruments during the initiial recording of this song and 3.since Matt did all the work I still don't know how to post a song.

more weird food issues

When I have to tell someone I can not eat wheat the response is typically "Oh my gawd, I could never do that." Yeah, well, the thing is pain and discomfort is an amazing deterrent. The thought of 4 or so days of bloating, cramps and frequent trips to the bathroom that is reminiscent of the worst food poisoning you have ever lived to tell the tale of, is a deterrent, at least for me it is. I mean, if you were in a restaurant and the waitress said that you could have the most delicious meal ever with 4 days of food poisoning, or your second choice with no consequences at all, then I am willing to bet a hefty amount that you would take your second choice.

I have often said out loud that I wish I had a reaction to sugar. Sugar is the monkey on my back. Well, guess what. Be careful what you wish for. I have always had periods where I have almost daily headaches. I always thought they were wheat related. A new pattern has emerged over the summer, since I have been on and off of sugar in the last two months more than I have the guts to admit. It seems to me, that I get a headache the morning after I have eaten sweets. It might just be chocolate, my sweet of choice, and there have been some s'mores going down here this summer, but I am pretty sure that these headaches are coming after a binge and staying until I clean up again. More incentive to get off the sweets for good.

Now if only I could arrange to have an issue with chips.....

back on the horse

There are a few things I don't do. I don't bore you all with every detail of every dietary misstep I take along the way. I don't do fad diets, and I don't do it with a partner. I don't put numbers or time limits on my goals. That was, I don't do it until now. Read on.

OK, so I have had a nice 10 day binge, and for ten days I have been cramming just about everything gluten free and sugary I could find into my mouth- even brown sugar lumps, and now this binge is over. Last week while I was semi-whining to my pilates teacher abut my big belly being in the way, I mumbled something about carbohydrates and belly fat, and she mentioned something about her high cholesterol, and we somehow decided that we would go on The South Beach Diet together on Monday. Can anything be cuter? Chubby me and strong her on a diet together. I am going to do the diet wether she manages to or not. I am there. I am ready.

This evening I sat down with the South Beach book and a pint of goodbye binge Ben and Jerry's, and commenced reading/eating. I am not so sure what they were thinking when they designed this diet. It seems a bit like hospital food to me. First I need to tell you that there will be no diet gelatin going down here. I don't do diet gelatin. Also, second of all, I don't even want to know what gourmet fat free half &half is, and I am not about to find out. Sorry, I have to draw the line at food oxymorons. And, I am somewhat positive that no matter how good it is, it isn't going to fool me into thinking that cauliflower is mashed potatoes. I am going to go bold, and just go ahead and eat the cauliflower.

They say a girl can lose 8-13 pounds the first two weeks. This may because of all the vomiting I might do following this diet, and about the never feeling hungry part- hahahaha. A snack is a celery stick with a piece of fake diet cheese in it. Pfftt! Obviously they haven't seen what I consider to be a little snack. But I am going to stick with it. I just may have to do a little substituting here and there. I think I can handle it. This is good anyways because I really want to weigh a certain number by the triathlon in September, so I have 3 1/2 months to lose 30 pounds. I know that is a lot to lose in a short time, but if I can drop 13 pounds in two weeks, then I am going to be golden. If I can get there-as in down there to the weight I dream about- I am throwing myself a party. It will be big, because this number has not been seen pretty much since pre-Matt days, except for about a week and a half post Matt, 13 years ago.

In summary- 10 days ice cream binge=over, South Beach Diet=new future, 30 pounds=105 days to lose it. The challenge is on. From now on Monday is weigh day.

raise your glasses folks

I am cranky. Carnky cranky cranky. Today is Peanut's birthday and despite everything being ok with Mom and her, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed=cranky again. Peanut had arranged for our babes to spend the morning in the spa and then all have lunch together. I signed up for a deep tissue massage. I didn't think it was deep enough, but 12 hours later, I am feeling like I will not be sleeping in my back tonight. ouch Delayed reaction. I was cranky going in to the massage and tried to uncrank myself, but the masseuse talked to me the whole time. She even played the "I can up that" game when I told her we had food allergies in my house. Yes, it seems that masseuse survives on water, she is allergic to everything. Yahoo, just what a cranky girl needs, a competitve masseuse. woo hoo. She did give me one helpful bit of information. I told her of my wheat abstinence and that I missed beer. I have always suspected that not all beers were made with wheat, but they don't have ingredients on the labels and I never bothered to find out which ones were wheat free. SHE KNEW!! And now I know!! Guess what I am drinking tomorrow night? Yippee!!!

So despite the fact that she talked my ear off, and tried to out do me in the allergy arena, I tipped generously cause I'm gonna have me beer!!

still detoxing

Yesterday when I woke up at 5 to get ready for my flight I had a killer headache and my period! What a bad way to start any day let alone the day I was hopping on a plane hoping my Mom would be alive when I got off. I gobbled up a couple of pain killers and prayed they would kick in by the time I got to the airport. They got about 90% of it, enough so that I could function.

Once on the plane it occurred to me that the headache was not my standard stress type head ache and I realized it was a detox headache, which I welcomed since it meant that my latest detox off of sugar was indeed working. Debbie wants to know about the detox, so here it is. You might think I am a bit food paranoid after reading it, and truthfuly I am. If it were remotely possible I woulkd take my family somewhere and live off the land. Except I would have no idea what I was doing so we would end up starving, but hey, what a boost for my diet! Anyway, here is my food hang up.

In the fall of '99 I read an article on food addiction and decided that this might be my problem. The theory is that any highly refined foods can be addictive especially wheat and other flours and sugars, all of them. So, I joined a 12 step program for this special diet and changed the way I ate. I lost a ton of weight and all these abdominal pains I had thought were normal disappeared as well a bm frequency problem I had been struggling with. When I got pregnant with Josh I went off the diet and the problems returned. I later got tested for Celiac Sprue since I also realized that oats upset my stomache too, and was told that while they found nothing definitive, it seemed like I might just be in the very early stages. Therefore I do not eat wheat (or oats). Now, the sugar, I don't have an intolerance too, I just turn into a fiend when I eat it. I start craving and overeating and gaining and gaining and gaining. SO, I can not eat sugar, otherwise my whole day is consumed with thinking about when I can eat more sugary food.

When I stop I have to detox just like a person would detox when they give up cigarettes or alcohol or any other addictive substance. And that is the story.

another year older and surgery in 4 days

Yesterday was my birthday. It was the first non totally glorious weather day here in S Florida. We got a couple of hours worth of swim time in right after breakfast and then we went to lunch "at the club" (Yes, the folks live on a golf course) and the movies. We saw 8 Below. Despite my inability to bond with the devil dog, I am a total dog person, and each time my eyes welled up and I fought back the tears, Evan would lean forward in his seat and grin mockingly at me. By the third time he seemed to instinctively know when I was on the brink, I realized he must have been doing the same thing too, so I called his bluff and let him know that I knew that he knew I was about to lose it because he was fighting back the tears himself. A man who cries at movies! I am raising a sensitive guy!

We went out to dinner, where Josh insisted on ordering the crispy duck because Evan ordered it. Now, Evan and Matt ate crispy duck all through our trip to Paris two summers ago, but I don't think Josh even remembers Paris. My Dad insisted we let the kid have what he wanted. Josh ate a good amount of duck, but reprimanded me the whole time for not making him order Pizza off the kids menu. These days there is always one kid that I can't win with. It's getting old.

When we get home tonight I will have one of the kids take a photo of me. A photo the shows me below the shoulders, they barely exist since I can't take one with my own fully extended arm. It is almost a year since I have been dieting and I figure a before and after photo is in order.

What I haven't been sharing is that I fell off the wagon here, indulging in some sugary sweets. It all started with a giant bowl of dried fruit Mom had out on the coffee table. Me and Evan dived in like we had not eaten in a week. The good news is that I didn't suffer from my usual travelling constipation! The bad news is that I feel the desire/compulsion sneaking back, I am thinking about what I can eat every minute. I opened my eyes this morning and thought about the wheat free meranges my has in the drawer before I even glanced at the clock. This is why I have no decorative food around my house. I can't resist the temptation. It all went down hill from there, with me sneaking a bite of this and a little of that. Now I have to detox again when I get home. I can't believe it, I weakened right before I went a whole year!! I have to decide if I am even going to weigh myself when I gfet home. Then the bad thing is that I am getting back on a plane Wednesday to come back for Mom's surgery. It is hard to have a clean diet when I have to eat out 3 meals a day.

So, the challenge is on. The second I walk out of the door to go home I am me again. And "me" is sugar free. I can't go back to eating, thinking and weighing what I weighed. It isn't who I am anymore. Now I am a much less fat triathlete on my way to being a totally thin triathlete. I have a goal and dammit I will not let a cookie get in my way. This is a life or death situation for me because I can not be who I want to be and eat sugar. Tune in tomorrow for more detox drama. inhale deep, I can do this, I can do this.

the bitch is back

You know, it is funny, because yesterday I discussed addiction with the cashier at WF, who reluctantly admitted to me that he smokes. I asked him if he was into health related stuff, working there and all. What I said to him was that in my experience with addiction, addiction will subside just long enough for you to let down your guard and then as soon as you relax it will go for another below the belt attempt at reestablishing itself. You can't let your guard down too soon.

Last night I dreamed that I ate an apple. It was perfection. It was cool, the coolness spreading over me slipping into my finger tips and down through my veins and refreshing me like nothing I have ever experienced. It was crispy, and felt so good in my mouth, sweet with the just the right amount of tart. The sensation of this apple made me feel like I was floating. Juices were sliding down my throat and dripping off my chin. My hands were wet with them. I savored every bite, feeling it's cool rush and eagerly taking more. Once I had finished I wondered if it were possible to get more. I began to panic because I needed more. Then I woke up and felt like crap because I thought I had eaten an apple, as if eating an apple were the worst thing I could do! For an instant I felt like a total failure and had the thought of just giving up, I was overwhelmed with the difficulty of these restrictions. Then I realized that I was in bed, and that there was no juice on my fingers, and no cool apple freshness in my chest, and that I had not wavered from my diet. I came out of the haze enough to realize that I had dreamed the whole eating thing.

That my friends is what my addiction does to me. Every time I start to think I have a handle on it I have a dream that makes me feel like I should just throw in the towel. Until I wake up. Then I know what I have to do, try harder.

Despite my desperate sounding last and present post clickmom is not going to throw in the towel. Oh no, dear readers, clickmom is going to win this battle. I have logged too many miles on my feet, bike, in the water, and on my new victim-the arc trainer- I have passed up too many sweets to even think of stopping now. This is one project that will be seen through until the end- my end- because it is ME time over here, and in the midst of taking care of everyone else I am now (finally) taking care of me too.

I was cranky again today. I held it together despite going to the boat show in NYC to look at boats to replace the bad bad boat that broke my baby sister's arm. We were there for 3 hours and I was as pleasant and as wonderful as could be.

Then we came home and the kids asked if we could have Chanukah. Something in me snapped. I am hating Chanukah right now. It's too long! The bitch came back. Maybe I am just tired after the apple feast last night, maybe I skipped lunch, maybe I am PMS, maybe all of the above. I gritted my teeth through the candle lighting and the gift hunt, and then was unprepared for Evan's less than luke warm reaction to his gift. It was naturally something I came up with on my own, some PS2 game that involves dancing and a dance mat. I thought it sounded like fun. Fun and moving that would be good for them. He thought otherwise. I told him to tell me if he wanted to return it- we could let him pick something out. He pretended to be OK with it. Fifteen minutes pass and I call the family for dinner. Matt is moping because after playing his gift, a video game for 12 seconds he has decided that despite the fact that he asked for it by name, it isn't his cup of tea. He wants to know if he can return it. I say he cannot return it if it is opened. He whines and starts talking about selling it on ebay. I hate that they want to sell things on ebay. I don't sell things on ebay or know any thing about selling things on ebay. I want him to shut the f--k up and play the overpriced game that he asked for by name and got. He keeps saying ebay-blah blah ebay and I am ready to strangle him when Evan decides to tell me that despite the fact that he too took his game out of the packaging he wants to return it.

I loose it and let lose my tongue, which amounts to the two kids sobbing into their rice pilaf (that I can't eat!) afraid to move and unable to speak. Like I said the bitch is back. When the husband tries to point out the over the top method I have enlisted he receives his own private tongue lashing. It went something like how I am entitled to loose it since I go around holding it in all day. Since I am the model of patience and purity I am allowed to unleash the bitch when the situation is this incredible. I told you she was back.

In the end I had to apologize and beg forgiveness and let Evan say "bitch" 4 times and hug and kiss and apologize some more. Evan was easy, he liked saying "bitch", but Matt made me grovel extra hard. He came around too. Josh got so jealous of all the hugging and kissing and begging for forgiveness he said that maybe he didn't like his gift either. Now I am forgiven and trying hard to choke down the bitch. Man, I could kill tonight.

But I am totally not going off this program. So, yeast beware, I am tough.

day 4 of the yeast feeding food deprivation diet

So, I saw the doctor and decided to just get real do the damn diet on Wednesday. I had already blown it with breakfast, so my day to begin the worst diet in the world would be Thursday. Thursday I felt fine, it was a busy day and I ran happily from one event to the other, not noticing any side effects of the diet. I think this Dad may have been on the diet however,

because he slept through the third grade concert. The kids were absolutely going for cute and adorable and not soothing, so beside the fact that all 150 or so parents and other assorted guests had to sit through 25 minutes of chimes and third grade chorus before seeing their own kids, I can't fathom any other reason why this Dad would have passed out, other than he too is on a "don't feed the yeast" diet. I should find him and talk.

Evan performed as expected. Being a child of my loins he did not sing, look at the teacher, or perform the choreographed hand movements. Had he done any of these things I most certainly would have screamed loud enough to wake the sleeping Dad. Evan did however throw in his own personal touch-the look of total boredom. Evan has perfected the eyes half closed "this sucks" look, and he was really at his finest during the bulk of the performance. He had complained about the concert for several weeks leading up to it, and I told him he didn't have to participate, but he got all excited about wearing his blazer and nice pants so he said he wanted to go. This is Evan in his suit, notice the other kids all have their mouths open because they are singing. Also, their eyes are open because they haven't mastered "the look" like my little angel boy.

But, at least Evan looked all handsome in his suit. Oh yeah, the principal stopped me on my way out of the gym-atorium and told me that when he saw Evan in the hallway earlier in the day he complimented Evan on his sharp look. Evan then looked the principal up and down and replied "You too." Good Job, Evan.

That was Thursday. On Friday I still felt OK. Well, I thought I was feeling OK, but the warning signs were there. When I woke up Friday morning I had two thoughts in my head, the first was "Wonder what the weather is today?" and the second thought was "Why is there a band of fire around my ring finger?" It seems that this tiny irritation that I have been battling under my 10 year anniversary band that hasn't come off since our 11th anniversary (#15 is rapidly approaching) worsened over night. I woke up with a raw red rash and a very swollen finger. First I went to see my new pal, arc trainer, cause a girl has to do what a girl has to do, and then picked Matt up early from school and headed to the jewelry store.

I entered the jewelry store and calmly told the lady behind the counter that I needed my ring cut off. She said they didn't do that any more and had not done it for years. I asked why not, she said because of insurance reasons. I offered to sign a release. She said she was sorry. I had to suppress my rage while I asked through my clenched teeth where she suggested I go to have the ring removed. She said the hospital. I leaned over the counter and in what might have been considered by some a hostile tone of voice began to say "Look lady, you don't understand, if this ring doesn't come off my finger in the next 20 minutes..." When I was interruppted by the owner of the store, who recognized me as the wife of Mr. IG, as in incredibly generous, who also likes to buy ridiculously priced glittering gifts for his wife. The very smart owner of the store, wisked me to the back where he produced the device necessary to grind through the band of my ring, freeing my poor finger and avoiding the scene that I was prepared to make.

Later in the day I swung by my office to say "Hi." to the fine staff members that are stuck in that cave of an office all day. As luck would have it, one of the freelance writers had also stopped by with her brand new smoochie love baby, who was happily asleep in his infant car seat. When he woke up I got to hold him until he began to fuss, and then it was clear that he was hungry. When the almost crying baby's mother did not attend to his needs fast enough, I said "If you don't sit down and nurse this baby I'm going to lactate and do it." It registered that I may have been over the top when the other women present gave me the "Are you PMS?" look.

Yesterday, I started the day off all right, but then it hit me like a brick wall. NOT ALL RIGHT ANY MORE. First I noticed a weakened feeling, as if I was coming down with something. Then I noticed that all my senses were on high alert. In particular was my sense of smell and hearing. This made the smell of anything unbearable and the sound of anything maddening. This included the voices of household members. And my alternate personality returned to fill in for a while, her name is Bitch. Bitch, doesn't like children, men or dogs, so it is not easy living with her. I haven't seen bitch for a long while, probably since I detoxed off of sugar, and that makes sense, since this yeast free diet is a detox too. Well, once Bitch returns, the only thing to do is wait it out. She never stays for too long.

I informed the kids of my personality status and being the well trained and fearful little angels that they are they cowered in the playroom for hours until they got hungry and had to come up stairs to beg for food. The Husband on the other hand is not as well trained and he had the chutspa to find humor in my situation. After he tried to crack a few tasteless and decidedly unfunny jokes at my expense, I calmly turned to him and attempted to decribe the bitch's need for love and support during a crisis time like this. When he made a cowboy stance and pretended to draw pretend guns from his pretend holster, I knew it was time to get out.

So, I set about attending to the yearly task of luminarias. Each year on Christmas eve the neighborhood sets up candles in white paper bags. It is quite beautiful, once they are all lit at sun down. Every year I see all the Dads and their boys doing this manly task, and every year I do it. Occasionally Evan helps, but honestly, he is a bit too excited about the prospect of setting a fire, so I try to avoid him. The boys were still hiding down stairs, and the not well trained husband remained on the couch even after I announced "Don't come help me with the luminarias, I want to go down in history as the only woman in the neighborhood who ever did it by herself every single year." Is he thick or what??

This year I forgot to give my block captain the money for my luminaria supply. Luckily I realized I had all the ingredients on hand, except for the kitty litter, which I could substitute sand for. What I thought was a bag of sand in the garage turned out to be potting soil, so I headed for Josh's sand box. The husband couldn't resist cracking one more not funny joke, and made an appearance on the patio to first question my choice of sand box sand for the luminaria and then suggest that the nearby dog poop might also be a good substitute for kitty litter. What a guy!

How did I react to this display of love, concern and tenderness? Well, the Bitch sat down for my other personality Hysterical, who had a nice "You don't love me." crying jag. Needless to say, by the time I got the luminaria set up I went to bed and didn't even stay up late enough to see the street all aglow. Here's what it looked like this moring, when I saw that not one but two of my neighbors did not participate.

Yup, after my last four bags there are about 300 yards of glorious nothingness. Jeez.

Today we went to the Big Apple Circus, as we traditionally do on Christmas Day. We even pick up my 93 year old Grandma and bring her along. Here is us outside the big tent on our way into the circus.

This is the transformation that took place and here we are just as the performance ended

Then we came home and had Chanukah. Tonight I hid the gifts on the laundry machine. We do a "Tonight Chanukah is brought to you by...fill in family member." thing. Matt wanted to go first, since he was so excited about the gifts that he had bought. I hid his wrapped up gifts, and one from us to him, and then they boys find it doing a hot and cold thing with me banging a spoon an a metal pot to indicate their proximity to the treasure. It is great fun, and a real headache by day 4, but my Dad used to do it this way and I am into tradition. Matt got me a hat, and it made me cry because I was just thinking to myself that I wanted to buy some girl hats that the boys wouldn't "borrow" and the hat he got me has a sequined pom pom on top. I swear that boy can read my mind.

I think the bitch has receded, so hopefully I'll be in better shape tomorrow, because the untrained husband is home from work, and it is supposed to rain, and you know how that goes.

not a neme, just some stuff about me

I have been tagged to do this seven sevens neme by The Queen Mama. People, I am such a loser, I can't even think of 7 things I say most often. I went to my family for help and the only one who had a suggestion was Evan and he kept yelling "Shit!" which is oh so true, but not my proudest moment, y'know? At least he was thankful for the free pass to say "Shit!" which he did about 17 times before I had to threaten to brain him if he didn't shut up. (Another golden parenting moment)

Also, I am in a bit of a brain fog, because I did go back to the doctor last week to discuss my blood results which were entirely unremarkable. Not only did my thyriod test normal, but it was right in the middle of normal so I couldn't even suggest that the low end of normal might not be enough thyroid for me. Everything else was fine, and the few things that seemed to be on the low end of normal were actually things that are better to be low. So, the reality is-too much fuel going in, not enough effort going out.

Except for I still feel like "Shit!", so the doctor suggested that in leiu of my history of antibiotic use, I was most likely suffering from candida (I knew this one going in) and would benefit from a yeast and sugar free diet. What am I eating these days, you may wonder. Well pretend you are lost in the forest and forced to forage for food. Yum! I get to eat meat (that I thankfully don't have to catch and skin myself), or fish and vegetables (the really yummy ones like brussel sprouts and cabbage are best), and raw unprocessed nuts. I get to drink water. Think Atkins diet extreme.

The purpose of this diet is to starve the candida. They feed on sugar and anything that becomes sugar during digestion. This is why I can't have any fruit or rice or potatoes or (sob) wine. I also have to avoid foods that are moldy or fermented, like cheese or vinegar, which means boring salads with no dressing. More Yum!

Today is day three for me on this deprivation diet. I am positively feeling the effects of the yeast (candida) die off, I am light headed, a bit wiped, and my breath is rancid. The positive here is that I am expecting to have a nice jump start to my continued weight loss, and as a matter of fact I dared to weigh myself this morning, despite the fact that I am not post menstrual, and my newly updated weight loss stat is:47 pounds!! Woo Hoo for me.

The one really scary aspect to this diet, despite the clawing hunger in my gut, is the fear of constipation. You see Dooce and I have more than just blogging in common, and when I say "I feel her pain." I mean it. I have been there, and frankly, I do not want to go back. I am dependent on prunes (like about 9-12 a day) for normalcy here, and live in fear of forgetting them for a meal, let alone forgoing them for weeks on end. SO, I have vowed to drink lots of water to keep hydrarted, and maybe even (gross) swallow some (gross) flax seed oil if need be. I am good so far, but on the lookout, because a girl has to stay on top of these things. When you stop paying attention, it can get ugly. Real ugly. Scary ugly. Don't go there ugly.

Hopefully my next entry will be the freaking Neme, or maybe I'll just admit defeat and one of my kids or the husband will give me some really good blog fodder. It is after all vacation, and we'll be spending lots of family time together. Joy, and good times.

I ate bad moussaka

I unintentionally ate wheat yesterday. I ordered a casserole type dish that I had safely eaten at a different restaurant, and did not question this one. As I was shovelling in the last few bites, I suddenly realized that part of it had been breaded. It was too late, there was no going back. I wished I knew how to make myself vomit. Around four hours later I was going for a bike ride with Evan, and as we walked our bikes up the causeway I realized that I had some serious pain going on right above the belly button. This morning I woke up with sharp pains in the whole belly area. I went to the bathroom and expelled the cause of the pain, but oh my goodness is my gut sore. I feel like I have just recovered from a huge case of the stomach flu.

I was tested for celiac before I went wheat free and they didn't find anything, but this pain is totally not normal. It is familiar though, and I find it interesting how when not in pain it is so easy to forget how much it used to hurt. I used to feel like this all the time, and never even question it, I just went on with my life. During my walk this morning I needed to move less than usual. It is tough to have an enthusiastic walk without moving your sore abdominal cavity. I feel like I have eaten ground glass.

Concerns now - reawakening the addiction. I am hoping to get through the day with out starting to crave again. I have no idea how much I actually consumed, and no one knows how much it takes to trigger the cravings again anyways. I am totally dedicated to the program, and am vowing to the entire on-line community that I WILL NOT FALL OFF THE WAGON. I will resume my normal eating today, and will not eat any wheat or sugar. Same goes for tomorrow and every day after. I have come too far, feel too good, and am too interested in regaining my health to let this one set back destroy all the progress I have made.

coming out of the pantry

I did something I never do. I announced my weight loss plans and even detailed my methods to a group of friends today. When ever I start a “diet” I always keep it secret, and am actually extraordinarily uncomfortable when people start noticing. During our book group meeting, while we were on a side topic, I mentioned my- in the future- plans for plastic surgery, ie: breast reduction and tummy tuck. I said it was totally going to happen for me, someone asked “When?” and I said when I lose a hundred pounds. I mean duh, they aren’t going to do the surgery on a fat chick! Also, if I did the surgery now, and then lost weight I might be left with nothing up top, which is not my first choice.

Any ways, P kind of nastily said “And how are going to do that?” about the weight loss, which kind of surprised me. I didn’t expect to have to defend myself. When I said “No wheat, no sugar.” A few of the women nodded in agreement and L said something like “That’ll do it” so I felt better, but still, I have friends who do not struggle with food or eating issues and have no idea what goes in my head every day. If I was trying to get off of alcohol or prescription drugs, I am sure I would not get any negativity or eye rolling.

Actually I tried to look at her long enough for her to maybe notice the weight I have lost already. A few friends have said something and for the first time ever their comments do not make me want to run and hide. I think I have overcome the desire for invisibility, not because I did anything, but maybe I just don’t need it anymore. Maybe my old lady self isn’t as scared as the young lady me. I have even been occasionally wearing clothes that are less loose and baggy and concealing than usual.

I wonder if the naturally skinny just think I should accept the cards that were dealt to me. Hey, I still have my health, but I am not sure for how long, so this life extending-life change is coming just in time for me. I can’t wait to look better, but the motivation for me is more health related, I am a worrier and am sure that obesity related disease is just around the corner. I took my blood pressure at the drug store and it was an excellent 103/65. That just tells me that my physical self welcomes the changes and is ready to bounce back.

Go me go.

family crisis for a food addict

Yesterday evening I got a call from my grandmother. She was disoriented and short of breath. She thought I had been there that day and couldn’t understand where I was now, she thought I lived in her building, which I did as a child, but not since I left for college, 23 years ago. Then she got upset over an envelope of money she thought she had and now couldn’t find. She was getting worse and more hysterical, she was breathing faster and faster, and said she was sweating, and thirsty, and I tried to calm her down and convinced her to hang up with me and call 911. Then I called her back and stayed on the phone with her until the EMTs came. She couldn’t continue to speak to me the whole time, and I asked her to leave the phone on her chest so I could hear when they ambulance arrived, and thankfully I could hear her shifting and groaning and was then able to tell the ambulance driver what hospital and doctor she used. He got off with me real fast and I could hear the urgency in his voice which put me into my own panic.

I called a sitter, finished cooking the kids dinner and jumped into Big Olive for the ride into city. All I wanted to do before I left was grab a bag of something to cram into my mouth to soothe myself on the trip. I even looked in the drawer to see if there was anything I could grab. There were no wheat and sugar free snacks and I had to force myself out the door empty handed. Luckily it was after rush hour when I left, still light and hardly any traffic. I went straight to the hospital and got there around 7:40.

She was in the chest pain room, all hooked up, and much less confused. She seemed fine until I realized she still thought I lived in her building. The hospital was running all the standard tests, and thankfully the atmosphere was relatively calm last night. While there were people on stretchers lining the hallway, no one seemed to be in crisis, so the staff was warmer and more relaxed than I have experienced in the past.

At eight o clock they kicked me out for an hour during the shift change. The new staff needed time to familiarize themselves with the patients and there conditions. I went out on the street and decided to take a walk. All I could see were bakeries sandwich shops, and magazine stores filled with candy. It was all so tempting. That was only on the first corner! I took a deep breath, passed them by and kept walking.

Then I came to a candy store. The kind where they have tons of candy in clear bins, and you can scoop it into a bag that you buy by weight. Oh. colorful, sweet and sour, melt in my mouth candy, and chocolate. Omigosh, all kinds of chocolate covered everything. I could make love to chocolate. I pondered the dangers of buying diabetic sugar free candy, thought about the dried fruit, even thought for a millisecond about just throwing in the towel, and then I made myself walk away. I kept walking even though in the back of my mind I was still talking myself in and out of buying candy when as if my personal prayers had been answered and there before me like an angel out of heaven was salvation. Only the halo was missing out of this completely miraculous sight. It was the answer that would lead me safely out of temptation.

Oh latte, nice and warm and comforting, like a snugly down blanket on a cold windy night, creamy, soothing, and most of all satisfying yet sugar free, wheat free, and guilt free. And best of all the bladder bursting Venti size.

Armed with my cozy no foam latte (hey-the foam takes up liquid space in the cup you know!) I headed back to the hospital to sit in the waiting area among the other displaced visitors and soon to be patients waiting for the longest hour ever to be over. All the while I prayed for my grandma and also that no one infectious was breathing near me. When I got back in to the room she shared with 7 other chest pain patients (welcome to emergency care in NYC) it was clear that she was more her old self than she was even an hour ago. I stayed long enough to speak with the physicians assistant as well the attending, who was more worried about her confusion than the chest pain which he attributed to a panic attack brought on by the confusion. She got more blood drawn. I said goodbye around 10 after finding out that they were definitely going to admit her for observation. It was hard to leave her there among strangers, but also a relief knowing she wasn’t going to be alone for at least one night. At least she couldn’t OD on sleeping pills while in the hospital, and I doubted that she would have another panic attack while there. Being alone is so tough. I told her I love her about a hundred times. I vow to surround myself with loved ones and friends, keep busy with activities, and never let the world just run on and on while I sit in front of the TV day and night, just waiting for my time to come. Even if I make it to 93 too! I will never sink into a depression that lasts 35 years because I will know how miserable the end of my grand mothers life has been. It breaks my heart cause I love her so much, she is so sad, and I just wouldn’t want to to cause this much sorrow in the lives of my own kids.

mothers day and food addiction

Sunday we went out for Mothers day brunch with my sister. mother, grandmother, uncle, spouses and children. It was a nice big group and I have already been feeling closer to my sister than ever, it was a warm and comforting feeling to be surrounded by the folks that we would eventually be the family matrons for with the people we will be replacing one day. I think we are on the way to building a much better frame work for family relationships, than the one that is already there and for that I am so thankful. The cousins all enjoy each other and are interested in becoming friends. I am hoping that this lasts a life time so that one day we can bring together a big happy group where there are good feelings, camaraderie, and friendship and not anger, resentment, and hostilities like there are in the generations before mine. Of course, what always tears families apart is money, and that has been the legacy on my side as well as my husbands, so I am bound and determined not to repeat the past. I want to break the cycle.

My sister feels the same, and it definitely helps that we have a similar attitude towards money, the underlying climate being one of generosity, and we know you always take care of your own. Money is what seems to tear families apart the most. I know it was a factor in my grandmother’s lack of relationship with her brother, it causes tension between my mom and her brother, and it is why my husband does not know his cousins. It will not break apart this family any more, and I know if there was an issue, like care for my mother one day, that my sister and I would work it out.

Back to the brunch, we were at this restaurant, I was felling good, and ordered a dish I assumed was safe, but as I ate the very last bite of chicken I realized it was in a gravy type sauce- which means it looked as if it was thickened with FLOUR. As in WHEAT FLOUR. We came right home afterwards and I took some activated charcoal, to disrupt the absorption process, and decided right on the spot that no matter what I felt or wanted I would not go off my program. Yesterday I was busy, which is always the best thing, so I wasn’t thinking much about food, but I tell you I could have eaten a truck load of donuts. I saw 3 boxes of them on the school secretaries desk this morning and had to walk away.

It isn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and I am still doing fine, I am determined enough to stay clean that it will not set me back, but have now made a new vow. I will always ask, no matter what language barrier issue I have with the waiter, or no matter how loud I have to speak to be heard. It is not worth worrying over, and definitely not worth rocking the boat when I am doing so well. But have to tell you, that was the most delicious lemon chicken I ever tasted.

a whole month into detox

Whooo Hooo, the monkey is off my back. It has been over a month off of sugar and I finally-finally-finally feel like I am over it! Food is not occupying every thought I have, and I feel like I don’t hardly have anything to say on this topic. Free free free. Whew. Truth is I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it. This detox took a long time, and I was starting to feel weak. I was feeling whiny. I was being tempted. Now I am finally feeling like I am not powerless over sugar. For the moment I have the upper hand, and it sure is nice to be back in the driver seat.

One funny thought I always have when I am clean is that sweets are kiddie food. I feel all grown up when I am able to divvy up some contraband to the kids and not have the compulsion to stuff it into my own personal garbage chute, errr...mouth. This maybe one for the therapists couch.

We went to the lake for a week with the kids for vacation, and the dungeon/kitchen is so inconvenient that I can definitely see it working to my benefit, no more wandering through and grabbing a tid bit. Wandering through the kitchen/dungeon would involve going around the room, down the stairs and through the hall, then back again. Snacks are just not worth that kind of effort. I can’t wait for this summer. I have high hopes for clean living and weight loss.

My next step needs to be following the food plan that is laid out in FAA. It is so sensible and includes all the veggies that will promote a healthy me. I know it needs to be done. It works for me, I have done it before, and the food plan makes the whole program run so much smoother. I eat those veggies when they are prepared for me, I just seem to have a block in regards to preparing them myself. Goal for the week- make and eat some vegetables.

One of the few people I told about about this site is my sister. She does not share the food issues. She doesn’t get the whole addiction thing and thinks I write about food too much. She prefers the kid stories. I know I get many hits from folks searching detox from sugar, but I am wondering if anyone out there is tuning in because this is just what they are looking for. If you do or do not or have any constructive criticism regarding this topic or site please comment. I aim to please.

Thanks.

sugar detox-over 3 weeks

At over three weeks sugar free, I feel like I should be coasting right now, but I am not and I suspect that it is due to my over indulgence in the fruit area, and my neglect in the vegetable area. I live in fear of becoming constipated, like I tend to do when I give up wheat. It was so bad last winter that I ended up with a fissure, and narrowly escaped surgery by adding the wheat back into my diet and not having a solid poop for months and months. (Sorry, I normally try to avoid poop talk) I have been eating lots of fruit and even prunes and know that there is too much natural sugar in them. I also need to spend more time out of the house, where I can’t just grab food. Oh yeah, I also need to exercise and get some endorphins into the old system. Oh yeah, if I could wake up tomorrow and be thin, that would really help keep me motivated, Oh yeah, if my gray hairs would reverse themselves, that would help too.

I just reread the first entry I wrote about sugar addiction, and realize that it may be a good thing for me to attend the F.A.A. group. (Food Addicts Anonymous- a 12 step program for food addiction) I think it would help to hear the stories and desperation, and help remind me where I came from and where I want to go. Hearing the commonality in all of our struggles really helps humble me and also remind me what I don’t want to feel again. It is so funny, when I am using, I know so bad how I want to feel clean, and now that I am clean, I feel unfulfilled. Perhaps it is a bigger issue? Oh no, not therapy again. I can’t commit to therapy again. Maybe I’ll ask my friend, the ex-therapist (now a full time mom) for some advice. She might enjoy the challenge that I am.

Too much to think about.

entering a combination zone

I am PMSing and this is the first one since cleaning up my diet. I am already feeling that antsy kind of desire to stuff my face all day long. I feel cranky (is that surprising to anyone?), edgy, restless, and like noshing all day long. Yes, I want to sedate myself with a good binge. BUT I WON"T, instead I'll hug my nice warm lap top and describe each painful detail to those of you in cyberspace.

Last night the kids had smores for desert after dinner, and they had so much fun with them. Chins dripping with chocolate and marshmallow, and I watched. Noone noticed my abstinence but me. It wasn't even that bad not eating the stuff, but I really wanted the effects of eating the stuff. And that is why food is actually more like a drug to me than the stuff that just keeps me alive.

OK, I am having second thoughts about saying that it was not about eating. When I eat it is almost a sexual event. I can suck bags of m&m's for hours. Playing with them with my tongue and letting just enough air into my mouth to slow down the melting process a bit, and savoring every molecule of shell and chocolate.

And that is what I could spend the afternoon doing today. But I won't because my health and my life have to be my priority now, and I would be giving up both for what? m&ms? Not any more. So, no matter what food I think will make me feel better, I will not falter because at the end of this madness will be a me who can enjoy living with out her drug of choice, sugar laden food.

sugar detox 2 /12 weeks later

Well, It has been 2 1/2 weeks and I am happy to say I am still going strong. I am not feeling the euphoric clarity and abundant energy I recall after my first detox, but think that may be because I am so incredibly run down this time. I gotta get on the ball with some vitamins and supplements, or even some remedies. I am sure exercise would help, but am in pain here with this nasty heel pain. Every morning when I wake up I can barely walk, and during the day it subsides to tender. Also my knee is OK but feels like it isn't balanced right either. The chiropracter is in vacation this week, bad timing.

I am still having cravings, the OJ on the door of the fridge seems to have learned how to call my name. I am turning a deaf ear, since juice is too concentrated for me and my addiction. It seems like the more steadfast I am regarding obvious high sugar foods, the more I start to think about foods that I wouldn't otherwise neccessarily ever think about. (You can't fool me any more addiction..I know your tricky ways) One day I realized I had popped a tid bit from the kids plate into my mouth and was chewing an unknown food. I ran to the sink, rinsed my mouth and stood there picking the rest out of my molar cracks. That was an eye opener. I am a human garbage disposal. I have to work on the self esteem.

Each day is getting easier as I fall into the routine of eating more like a normal person. The big pay off has been a loss of about 5 pounds, although it is gonna take a lot more than that to get me where I would need to be to be healthy.

SO, to sum it up, it is getting easier, although I do not feel out of the woods yet, I do feel better, but not as good as I had hoped. Still know that this was the right thing to do, even though I now face a life of people thinking I am totally weird. I celebrate my food paranoia/eccentricities. It is another little piece of the puzzle that makes me me.

Day 12? Sugar is in my past.

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I realized I didn’t have thirds on the rice portion of my dinner, and then I realized that I had not really thought in the obsessive compulsive way I normally do, about food during the day. I so look forward forward to the quietness of my mind when my diet is clean. Beating this addiction also involves eating normal portions, on a somewhat consistent schedule.

Five years ago I picked up a magazine for people with Celiac. It was meant for a couple of friends of mine who were struggling on alternative diets. I took it home, and opened it to see who would appreciate it most, and came across an article titled “Are you a food addict?” I knew at once that my answer was yes, and the more I read the more I identified with the addictive behaviors outlined in the article. I called an organization mentioned in the article, FAA or Food Addicts Anonymous, and found out that there was a weekly meeting not far from my home. I went to the first meeting fully expecting to meet a room full of people I could laugh about and make fun of, but came home after the meeting thinking, I am one of them, and this is what I need to do. The rigid food plan provided the lack of choice I needed. Even the 12 steps seemed like they were right for me. I woke up the next day and began my abstinent life.

I stayed on the plan until I got pregnant 7 months later, and then went off. I went back on when my son was 9 months old, but then went off again 4 months later when I had some unexplained dizzy spells and low blood pressure. At the time I was exercising every day and the doctor told me not to. I felt so defeated, I just gave up.

Now Here I am again, many pounds heavier, with tons of ice cream and baked goods behind me AGAIN. Fat, bloated, worrying about all the risks associated with being so heavy, and ready to recommit myself. I don’t know if I can do it alone, or if I need to return to the meetings at FAA. Perhaps, I’ll go, I can keep that window open, but for now I am good on my own. I can follow their food plan, keep myself in check, and when the comes that I need some extra support, I have the FAA phone list squirreled away in my drawer and I know where to go.

Sugar detox day 10?

Still detoxing, and am so proud of myself. I have dispensed all sorts of yummy treats and not a grain of the stuff has passed my lips. My body definitely feels good, I just want to put my arms in the air and gyrate my spare tires around a bit, just like the young lady in the current victoria secret ad, except however much I feel like her, I do not look like her, and if I did it, it would be.....scary. So I will do it, in my bathroom, alone, with the door shut. Hopefully if I keep this diet up, add some exercise into the mix, the fright factor will diminish with the spare tires, and eventually with a little (a lot) plastic surgery I will be able to pole dance with out a pole and not look , well, like an old lady on a psychedelic acid trip.

My head on the other hand, does not feel so fine. I have not called the chiro. or the cranial sacral thera. because Sunday I got a toothache, and now I am on antibiotics, which I am abnormally paranoid over, and now not only do I fear my entire body being taken over by CANDIDA, but I know that as soon as they colonize my gut, I will writing this weblog from the toilet for the next ten days.

This time I was actually looking forward to the root canal that would absolve the toothache. All night Sunday while I was warming my face in my hands, drooling, and rocking in my seat, fantasizing about that first Novocain injection taking effect, and then the glorious root removal that would suck the agonizing pain out of my head, along with the infection that is causing my face to beat with the rhythm of my heart, I just kept thinking how happy I would be to have a root canal. Then I went into the dentist, hopes high, in the morning and he took some x-rays and didn’t see anything wrong. My throbbing face and I left with nothing more than a prescription paper and a heavy heart. He didn’t even give me some fun and highly addictive opiates to ride out the pain until the antibiotics took effect. What a sadist. Imagine.

So, the pain is all jumbled up with the toothache, and I think I’ll make those calls now. But all in all I am so glad, and truthfully relieved that I have made these strides, and can be clean and not as food obsessed. And hopefully all the health benefits will follow.

Sugar Detox Day 8?,9?

My freaking head has been throbbing for so many days in a row that I don’t even know what day it is. I tried over the counter painkillers, which I am not supposed to take due to my ulcers, and they only take the edge off, and they SUCK! What the !@#$%^&*, this is killing me! I have a high tolerance for short term pain, but over a week of wha-wha-wha between the ears is asking for way too much from me.

First thing Monday AM I am calling the cranial sacral therapist and the chiropractor, and if they do not help, I am calling Absolut and having an entire truck load dropped off in my driveway cause if I am gonna feel this way, I may as well have the pleasure of being horny and drunk to justify the pain. Maybe I’ll drive into the city and pry a few Percosets out of grandma’s bony hands. The worst part is waking up in the AM with out feeling refreshed. Boo Hoo.

It never lasted this long before and I keep thinking of my addiction weight lifting. Matt illustrated the idea for me, only in my head he looks much more demonic.

Sugar Detox Day 5 AM

I never really understood the phrase “Jonesing” before yesterday. Yesterday I was jonesing for everything. Beer, (turns right to sugar during digestion), Wine (sugar), Vodka (sugar), popcorn (turns right to sugar), chocolate, sugar, brown sugar, maple syrup, sugar, honey, sugar, sugar, sugar. Just about every other thought I had yesterday was “Gee, I’d could really go for (something that is essentially sugar) _____.” Rough day. I was afraid I would unconsciously pop some thing into my mouth while dishing out snacks for the kids. Which happens all the time. All of a sudden I will realize I have the taste of food in my mouth and not remember eating, then I have to figure out what I just consumed. I’m sure the look on face during these moments is priceless.

One image that keeps popping into my mind is something another food addict said to me once. He said that when an addict is abstinent, his addiction is in the corner lifting weights just waiting for a slip. Since I have been on and off a few times in the past few years, I worry that my addiction has picked up strength. I fell like I am battling a tiny little mischievous muscle man. I’ll get Matt to draw him for me later.

You know what I love? Rock Candy. When I was a teenager I loved baby sitting for this one family that sugar cubes, I’d suck them all evening. (Yes, the problem goes way, way back) Guess how many root canals I have had? Once when I went for my regular check up at the dentist I had 8 cavities. That was the year my mom had started to keep a bowl of Bazooka Bubble Gum on the piano. The dentist took her aside for a chat and the bazooka disappeared into a drawer. Do you think that stopped me?

Any ways, the headache is down to about 20% of the original pain, so I am going with out the tylenol, and feel physically a bit better. I went to the grocery store this morning and found myself just feeling physically relaxed, and actually noticed my amazon-barrel body hips swaying a little bit. Of course, I was there in the grocery store with NO KIDS, so I could actually shop without listening to non stop chatting, pushing a 57 lb. 4 year old in my cart, (he’s not fat, just big) and explaining why we can’t buy every over processed snack food they sell. But I think I would have felt swinging even if I did have company.

I think I noticed a bit of mental clarity, but I am not sure if that is truly there already or if it is just less pain. I think it is less fog. I’d like to believe that anyway. There is nothing more encouraging than progress.

Sugar Detox Day 4 AM

Woke up feeling completely depressed like a total loser and felt that way through my shower until I realized that I only dreamed all night about eating things that I vowed not to eat. Now I am fully conscious and know that I didn't stray from this new regimine and have the vice on my temples to prove it, or does it just feel that way? Hmmm.....

Made the mistake of doing some internet reading last night and read how similar sugar detox is to Herion detox and How day 4 is the toughest. Lucky me gets to go to the dentist on day 4, maybe he can shoot some novacaine into my brain? Seriously it is just for a cleaning and to see which one of my sugar covered teeth is about to rot out next. Later.

Sugar Detox Day 3

Well, when I said I might have to get a break yesterday I was serious. By 9:30 AM I was flat on the couch with the worst head ache, nauseous and shivering. I had even taken some Advil, but it didn’t make a dent in the pain. I had to shield my eyes from the burning window light and the vibration of anyone walking across the room felt like a jackhammer next to my head. I was so ill all I could do was sleep so I dozed for four hours while the kids played until around 1 when the husband took them out to lunch. When they were gone I managed to move myself into an upright position and I sat in silence for the better part of an hour just trying not to break in half, the pain was so intense. After about an hour the worst of it began to fade away and I gradually became functional again.

Then the kids came back from lunch and were so worried about me not feeling well that I had to fake being fine. They are so sweet and I could see that they were overly concerned, and Evan in particular was on the verge of tears, so I pasted on a big smile and did my mom thing.

We ended up going to the sister in laws for dinner which I found difficult because her baby cried for more most of the time, and her 5 year old was being threatened, name called, and yelled at by her parents the rest of the time. I hate hearing anyone yell at their kids. I don’t like the way they handle her. I think if they saw a video of themselves they would be embarrassed. But I just sit there and keep my mouth shut because my opinion in that house is not wanted or valued and there is nothing I can do. All the same it is tough to be around them. I am trying not to sound all full of myself, and condescending, even though that is how I feel. Us mothers can so easily fall into the “I do it better than you” trap, and I am so there.

By the time we got there I was able to eat again, and had dinner and only felt mildly head achy when we got home at 7:30. But, despite my 4 hour nap earlier in the day I was ready to go to sleep. Thank goodness Desperate Housewives was on to help me forget my misery! Too bad John wasn’t featured. What a cutie!

Today I have been head achy and stiff all day, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I took Tylenol this morning and even though it is lame, it did manage to take the edge off, which was what I definitely needed to feel at least partially human. I do feel foggy, but less grouchy! Although with two kids in school the day is pretty easy. School is the only break I get, and on Mondays I do enjoy it.

Detox Day 2-AM

OMIGOSH, woke up feeling like I had slept with my head between rocks. I hurt, my head, neck and shoulders all feel that greenish brown pain that feels like I just got off of a rollercoaster, my temples are throbbing, and I am cranky as usual. My skin feels hyper sensitive, every fiber of my clothes is rubbing me wrong, and I do not want to be touched. I don't even want any one in my "bubble". I wish I could hide under the covers, and then emerge feeling well, looking good, and be past this all.

Today promises to be a long day. Wish I could get a break. I may have to speak up today and insist on a break. I promised my sister in law we would go to her house for dinner. I hate eating other peoples food. I hate eating her food. I don't trust the places she gets her food, and I know she lies about cooking it herself when she really buys things pre-made. I may just have to go over the top weird with food. I am going to have develop a real paranioa, and just be open about it. OK, well the paranioa is there, I just need to open up about it. If I always carry my own, then I won't have to eat anyone elses. Then there will be no surprises, and I can aviod accidentally injesting wheat and sugar. Yeah, I feel paraniod.

It is a dirty snow day today, all the bigest clumps of plowed and piled snow are still hanging in, not melting, but covered with filth, and looking like perhaps we should be afraid to breathe.