Went to see the new new undead therapist today (from now he's the NNUD therapist). I had wanted to talk exclusively about the insanity that is my eating/bingeing these days but last week on my first day back I just told the tale of this summer. Today I did not go in there with a fire under me, but once I opened my mouth I only talked about the whole food thing. I was honest with him, and as weird as it sounds coming from someone who blogs just about everything, I had to force myself to be honest with him about the donuts that I binged on a couple (few) times. Last summer I brought the workers donuts all the time, and never touched one, and this summer I brought them donuts and would end up eating three or four by the end of the day. So I stopped bringing them donuts.
What I really wish for is for the NNUD therapist to put me in a hypnotic trance, and then I never want to go near a bad for me food again in my life. I want to eliminate my desire for the foods that give me cramps, diarrhea, bloating, head aches, oh yeah, and those foods (hello sugar, hello fat) that turn me into a fiend scrambling for my next hit.
Every day I wake up with the idea that this day will be the day I turn a corner, start a detox, eat right. And I haven't made it through a day yet. Yesterday I had to bring all the kids with me to get Josh's tooth filled at the dentist. I sent Matt and Evan over to the store to pick p something I had forgotten to get earlier. I gave them some extra money to buy themselves a snack and Evan came back with a huge chocolate bar. He sat down next to me n the dentist waiting room and started to peel back the wrapper. I stared at that chocolate bar and then, and I kid you not, I almost jumped him for the candy. Instead I stuck my hand out and Evan boke off a piece and dropped it onto my palm. I considered hesitating, but I really just popped it into my mouth and recognizing that I had just "ruined" the whole days efforts and had just opened the proverbial flood gates. On the way home from the dentist I stopped for some home made macaroons. Then I had ice cream, dinner, and more ice cream. Then I had a stomach ache.
So I am going over this ritual of bingeing and then admonishing myself and the NNUD therapist calls me out for being so hard on myself. Unbelievable! What an eye opener! I need to be more understanding and sympathetic to me. I'd never say the things that I tell myself to anyone else, well at least not to anyone I ever wanted to talk to again. Why should I beat myself up? I don't beat anyone else up! t made so much sense when started to talk about it. Also, remembering all that stuff about my inner 7 year old from the psychic I spoke to, I figure little me is probably cowering under a table afraid to move.
I was nicer to me today. Honestly, it felt weird and soft, which is weird since I am soft, just not to myself, until now. New M.O. Something has got to work.