I am really struggling with this grant application for the one and only reason that it requires me to toot my own horn, a practice which was mocked and ridiculed by my family. We were so trained to not feel confident and reassured in our selves that I can clearly recall my grandmother saying to me "I'd tell you how much I love you but I wouldn't want you to get a swelled head." Of course, I totally understood that what she meant was that she loved me very much but I also understood that she was also very definitely telling me not too get too comfortable in that reassuring love because ... I don't know why I shouldn't have basked in that feeling of love. Because it could be taken away? Maybe, but more like something more accurately along the lines of..... Because then I might stop trying so hard to be lovable and no longer lovable.
That is messed up.
You have to know that by the time I was 3 I was a professional brown noser, sweetly doing any and every thing I could possibly do to win the heart of all adults in my little world. And I was a fantastic brown noser, which wasn't so tough to do back in the day of extra credit projects. I was always teacher's pet. And now I'm 53 years old and choking on the thought of writing down why I should be eligible for a grant because even though I managed to grow up and be truly confident in my own skill and ability. The thought of having to sell my self, outloud, for everyone to hear (or read in the case of this grant proposal) leaves me down right paralyzed.