Yesterday I did not make dinner because even though I have a plank with velcro straps on my left foot no one (Evan or Josh) wanted to go to the store for food. So, I thought, I'll order pizza and they'll realize that I CAN'T WALK ON MY SWOLLEN FOOT/ANKLE YET. Let's see how helpful they are today. I had a banana for dinner but even that was tough to chew.
When I was a new teacher I became friends with another new teacher who was about 25 years my senior. While I was just career finding myself, this woman was reinventing herself. She had worked in fashion for decades and always longed to teach and finally decided that she would pursue her dreams. Which hilarious since at that point teachers were paid similar wages to migrant farm workers, so it's like her dreams were to be impoverished.
Anyway, my friend, who was a lovely person, had frightening looking teeth. I mean, I don't want to BE mean (though I totally could since I haven't spoken to her since Josh was a baby) but if I had those teeth I'd have nightmares. They were super long and brown. They were so long that I used to wonder how they stayed in. I'd imagine I could see her jaw bone-that's how bad her gums were. And the brown part- I dunno, maybe it was illness related. My grandma didn't brush her teeth for the last 7 years of her life, and loved coffee and didn't have teeth that were brown like my teacher friend did.
I will get to the point, I promise.
Eventually, my teacher friend worked up the courage to do something about her ghastly oral situation and that something was to remove all the brown daggers from her mouth and replace them with a full set of dentures. For some reason, the the dentist needed to remove her half putrified chompers in stages, so my friend had long periods of oral surgery with pain and discomfort and toothlessness. Also, my friend did not cook. She had no desire to really cook and did not see this as an adventure in learning how to take care of herself, but only a rough patch she needed to endure before her total replacement smile arrived. So, my friend, who prior to the removal of all of her teeth ate a lot of Chinese food and other restaurant fare went on to eat only scrambled eggs, which was one of the few things she knew how to make, and applesauce from a jar. (point ahead) She ate that limited soft food diet for so long that she lost a ton of weight and went from dumpy to slim during the process of preparing for dentures. (Now you see where I am going here, right?)
For breakfast today, thinking of my be-dentured friend, I ate scrambled eggs. I did have the heels of a gluten free loaf of bread hanging around so I toasted them, slathered them with dairy free fake butter, and cut them into tiny little 1/4 inch squares which I could insert towards the back of my mouth where the teeth aren't bound to the metal rod of oral torment but the simple act of chewing seemed to make my front chiclets ache in a serious painful way so I'm thinking maybe I should commit to the scrambled eggs and applesauce oral pain regime for some time just to shed at least the poundage I managed to gain this winter while having my pre diet binge every day with never actually making that leap of commitment into the diet phase. (To simplify that, fitting into my summer pants is not going to happen unless I stop eating for a couple of weeks, and even then, maybe only the looser pants will fit, but not loosely) But, for the sake of being honest, and also because I feel like I should be real for Mitzy, I'm just going to put it out on the table that the real fantasy is that some switch in my head flips and I remain on a limited diet for so long that I end up losing a ton of weight and the part of me which compulsively grabs for food every time I feel I feel an emotion vanishes, so the new not fat me, just shrugs and says eye rolling stuff like "I don't know what happened, once I got used to eating only baby food I just stuck with it and the weight fell off"
I don't want to be like the person who gets her jaw wired and thinks she's going to emerge light and healthy from the procedure only to realize how easy milkshakes go down with a wired jaw and then gets fatter despite not being able to eat solid food for some time.
It's not a vanity thing. I am feeling "older" these days. My joints hurt. My belly is really getting in the way and I want more stamina when I'm hiking up a hill. I also would like to not need to shop in the humiliating "women" section. I have no need for fashion, I just want more choices in living my fashion independent life.