I don't know anything anymore. Really. I don't. The most basic thing ... When people say "Hi! How are you?" totally throws me. How am I? Well, technically, I'm mostly fine. I've been on a low-ish carb thing for a couple of weeks, so that feels good, (though my stomach is kind of messed up more than usual.) I have my normal aches and pains but I believe that if I could just motivate myself to go to work out I'd be back in whatever shape I was in before I stopped working out and that would be a good thing and I'd feel so much better too, I am at least making work, which means I haven't completely lost it, and then.... oh yeah... I'm kind of dead inside because I have to suppress that part of me which wants to absolutely go over the top postal every minute of the day because I am sure there is something no doctor has named wrong with the husband and I am also sure that time is running out for figuring out why this is all happening to him.
I act angry all of the time when it comes to the husband. To anyone else (with the exception of other drivers on the road who cannot hear me anyways) I think I am as pleasant as can be. I am aware that we never really do know how we are received, it's just my guess. I realized this morning that the anger might just be a cover up for a level of sadness that I am not equipped to deal with. I wonder of I have been mourning the loss of this relationship for the last many many years. This morning I sat down alone to watch Sunday Morning. Josh was surprisingly still asleep and the husband, who had been wandering the house all night was finally asleep, and I flashed back to the early years of our relationship when we would lie in bed, my head nestled into his arm pit and watch and discuss Sunday Morning together. I just wanted to sob. I want life to feel simple. I want to feel loved.
Part of me feels the sadness welling up, like an avalanche breaking free and gathering weight and strength as it makes it's way towards you and then you get one last thought right before it hits you in the back, rolling you around and leaving you upside down and disoriented under the snow not knowing which way is up and praying that the rescue dogs find you before you freeze to death. Oh wait, that happened to my friend Susi when she was a teenager and she just told me about it yesterday. Susi is a cool character so I had to add some drama to the story. Obviously, Susi was discovered by the rescue dog, interestingly enough the dog who found her was one that she had stopped to pet on her way to the ski lift.
Back to me. In this colorful analogy I think I am right now racing down the mountain, feeling the tears slide from my eyes straight over my temples into my hair (true story, I went really fast down a mountain without goggles on and was mesmerized by the feeling of those tears falling sideways) and wondering how much more time I have before the snow hits my back. Or maybe the snow has already reached my back and I am in an eternal tumble as the entirety of it washes over me. No, the problem here is that I don't think it has hit me yet, I am racing and racing and I know it is going to hit me and I know I cannot outrun it, I am still wondering if I can be strategic about it though. Yeah, that's where I am. Racing downhill just in front of doom.
It sucks, and when people say Hi How are you? I can't tell them. I can't ask them if they've ever tried to outrun an avalanche knowing there wasn't an actual chance they could do it. If I know the person I say, I suck, don't ask. But if Idon't know the person I say Fine Thanks. and then I feel a twinge guilty for lying. It's funny how (and we all do this) people are so wrapped in their own lives that they cannot see the burden and the pain in anyone else. Sometimes I walk with a woman who has been telling me all about her crush on this guy who seems to be feeling it too, but playing it cool...It's been going on forever, and she tells a great story and loves to talk so mostly I just comment on what she says and don't talk to her about my stuff. For some strange reason she was done talking the other day and casually asked me how I was and I just unloaded (reader's digest style) on her. Having been in this revolving door of specialists for a while I have to watch how I talk because I speak a little bit of med-speak now, but I didn't think she'd actually be listening so I just threw some details and emotions out there and she got quiet for a second and then she said I can't believe I go on and on about my lack of a love life when you're going through all of this and I told her I liked to escape into her world and forget mine, but really I wanted to half say, I know! You are totally oblivious to what I 'm going through! It's kind of crazy.