I used to get migraines. I got so good at sensing and treating (any OTC pain killer will do-but only at the first hint of nausea) the early stages of a migraine that I haven't had a full fledged one since Josh was small enough to lie on my chest during the entire episode. Until this month. Now I have had two episodes, and they were pretty routine as far as my own personal migraine history goes with one exception. In the old days I would have two episodes of vomiting followed by utter complete relief. The two episodes that hit me this month ended in two episodes of vomiting followed by feeling as if I was still dying, despite the absence of head pain, with relief finally arriving about 10-12 hours after the vomiting. I had one lingering effect from the whole thing- pain in my liver area. Real aching sore pain. I thought maybe this all had something to do with the violent gall bladder surgery I had 4 years ago. Now, I am no fool. I know that if I were to go to any typical doctor or specialist and tell them about this they'd write a prescription for some migraine drug and shoo me out of the office, which is not what I am looking for. I want to eliminate the reason I am getting these migraines.
So I crawled into the old chiro's office the day after the last episode and told him what had happened. He did his AK voodoo diagnostic magic and told me I had a toxic liver. I know why too. It's because I am so angry at the universe for putting me in this grief stricken life. After diagnosing me chiro did his voodoo curing magic and by that evening I felt fantastic. Yesterday I felt fantastic and I started doing that cleanse I did last spring. Cleansing can't be a bad thing, I mean, can it? If I have any hope of wearing clothes I already own this summer I have got to take off a chunk of weight. So, cleansing and weight loss means a win win for all the effects of cleansing. Today I woke up with the beginnings of the headache again. I just hoisted the surrender flag and popped some pain killers. I am fearing another migraine type episode.
When I'm inside of a migraine it's so bad I start thinking I might not survive. I start telling telling myself things like, Well, you did the best you could, so what if you don't make it to that good part of life where you're free from responsibility and can think only about yourself every day. You were a great mom, mission accomplished. Yup, this is my pre death by migraine calming talk to myself. I don't want to have to have that reassuring death chat with myself until I need it for real. These false alarms are annoying as hell.
In the mean time I haven't written anything or photographed anything or even sat down to edit photographs in weeks. I'm still kind of in shock over the loss of my BIL. Honestly, I think it would take me more than 5 weeks to accept the cancer diagnosis let alone go through every step including death in 5 weeks. Just shocking and so tragic. I'm fine, just sad. Sad does not feed my creativity. I do think that if I could just crawl into a nice comfy hole I would emerge within some reasonable amount of time feeling spiritually healed and be able to move forward sooner. But, such is not my life. My life is getting up every day and figuring out what food to buy so I can feed everyone with the least amount of complaining. Also, dishes, which I completely hate doing.