My BIL died yesterday. Every death is sad and many are tragic but this one really hit high scores on the tragedy/sadness scale. Recall, he got a heart transplant almost three years ago. And he was one of the people that get the heart transplant at the very last moment when it looked like he wasn't going to make it. He had been sick for what seemed like forever. Last spring he was finally feeling well enough to get a dog. My BIL loved dogs. He used to dog sit our dog when our dog was the best dog ever and we went on vacation. When we would come back a week later he would have more photos of our dog than we would have of our vacation! He was so cute like that. He finally talked his wife into getting a dog and he was finally getting healthy enough to go for some real hikes with the dog when things started falling apart for him. First he thought all the pain was coming from his hip and he had a hip replacement in December. Then he got worse and worse until the cancer diagnosis last month. I think it was five weeks from diagnosis to death.
I'm so sad for him that he never got to experience good health and be carefree. He never got to travel in good health. He never got to be really happy or not be in pain. There are so many nevers. I was really rooting for him to at least have some period where I could turn to someone else who knew him when he was so devastatingly ill and say "Isn't great that he's enjoying life?!" I really wanted that for him. It's just so freaking sad.
But, no secret here, cancer fucking sucks, and dying of cancer sucks and he was in enormous pain, so I'm glad he didn't suffer any more than he did. He had enough physical suffering in his one life for a whole crowd of people.
It's just sad, and one of those lives that make you wonder about fairness and how there doesn't seem to be much fairness. Life wasn't fair to him and he could not catch a break. I wish it had been different for him. I really saw this adorable vulnerable guy beneath his tough guy gruff exterior. I was hoping that life would let up on him long enough for him to let that adorable pussy cat of a man out for everyone to enjoy. But, not this life. This life did not let up on him.
I hope he's somewhere doing cart wheels and feeling excellent. I hope he's dancing and happy and whole.
I loved you Max. I'll miss you.