I'm telling myself to force myself to write but I am just not feeling it at all. You have to really be living the moment to write about people who are slightly off doing unusual things. I just feel bleh. After my mom died I binge watched 5 or 6 seasons of a TV show to get through the summer. I feel like doing that now. I just want something to take me away from all the sadness swimming around in my head.
My BIL is going to take chemo in an attempt to get some more time on this earth. My stance on the whole thing is that this is his ride and I am here for support, so I would never ever try to influence his decision or even offer an unsolicited opinion but in all honesty I'm pretty conflicted about the whole chemo thing. I feel like every time something is offered as an alternative to dying what the doctors really mean is that you're dying anyway. It was like that with my father in law, they said we could amputate his leg or let him die of gangrene, we amputated because we were hopeful he would be around another year or maybe even two and he died weeks later anyway. They said amputate my 96 year old grandmother's toe or let her die of the bone infection, my mom and uncle chose amputation and she ended up with MRSA. She had a miserable 6 months . My mom was told at Sloan Kettering that she should not treat and just enjoy the time she had left, they estimated 18 months, she opted to treat with someone else, endured surgeries, and chemo, kidney failure, heart failure, and multiple hospitalizations due to the chemo and died a year later. This tremendous suffering happened when the doctors said there was a choice between treating and just letting illness take it's course. I think that if I were in that position, and they weren't guaranteeing me some substantial amount of bonus time I would not treat. I really think that if dying is one of the options they present to you as an actual option or alternative to treatment ..... it is code for nothing really is going to help out here anyway. I just don't want to suffer when my time is here. Hopefully not soon. I have things to do.