Today my BIL might get the biopsy results. Realistically, I think they are going to be very earnest and say something along the lines of You have in our best estimate fill in the blank weeks/months to live. But what I am hanging onto is that they could potentially in a world of miracles come in all happy and say, You know , there is this one chemo that has no side effects that could put you into remission. In the mean time, I am wondering how I even had the audacity to think I felt sadness and uncertainty related frozen in time before we knew this news now that I can hardly breathe (because, how much bad news can one family handle?????) and I see that no matter how crappy the situation the universe can always plop another pile of crap on top of what you've already got.
As if thinking about the BIL every second I am also wondering what exactly the husband is thinking and how he is experiencing or not experiencing his own brother's tragedy without a fully functioning brain. The husband cannot wrap around his mind around the possibility that his brain is less than optimal despite the fact that he has done not much more than sit on the couch and stare at either an iPad or a television for almost a year and a half. Seriously! But this is because of the area of his brain which has atrophied. It's frustrating to not be able to sit down with him and discuss his end of life choices because it is incomprehensible to him that he has a problem let alone is anywhere near his end of life. His dad lived into his 70's and the husband is convinced he will too. Kind of sadly sweet if you're not the one who will have to make all the decisions. The question I ask myself is, Should I make these decisions as the husband would have wanted when he was a fully functioning person or should I make these decisions as the apathetic brain damaged guy he became? Because his current reality is that nothing bothers him and he just doesn't seem to care. Sometimes I wonder where the guy I married ended and where this guy began. I know how we got to this place. We got here when I was looking the other way because all I wanted to do was raise my kids. Even if I had not looked the other way, even if I had screamed from the loudest free tops THIS IS NOT THE GUY I MARRIED! no one would have listened. No one would have taken me seriously. I would have been chalked up as some kind of ungrateful bitch. You know that is the truth. Welcome to the world we live in.
As if worrying about the these two men in my life wasn't enough, sweet pea started to puke on the bed yesterday morning just as I was ready to bring her downstairs. Then she puked at the bottom of the stairs and then again out on the patio when I brought her outside to pee. So I decided to take her for only the shortest of walks and she was puking every 10 feet and couldn't even walk in the neighborhood. I called the vet and they said they had an opening at the exact time I was bringing the husband to the doctor, so Evan brought sweet pea in. She puked at the vet's too, so that's always good because I don't want to seem like I'm panicked over nothing and they gave her a shot for yesterday and some pills for the next two days and now I am home cooking her burgers and rice for meals instead of dog food. When I was a kid I had a friend who had a little white fluffy dog named Cupcake. My friend's mom used to broil a hamburgers for Cuppy every night. I'm channeling Mrs. D. It looks like sweet pea's stomach has calmed down but she's acting like she doesn't feel well. She is just lying around the house. I'm worried about her too.
If I could charge a fee for worrying I'd never worry about money again.