So, maybe this is because I kept remembering that I forgot to write a post about how when walking out of the Y one day with the husband I saw a girl walking in with shorts that were so short that I wasn't sure if wasn't just a long shirt she was wearing and it was super cold out that day so I said out loud "I wonder what kind of mom I would have been for a daughter" Since in my own mind I imagine having a 21st century daughter would involve a whole lot of arguing where I scream "You are not going out of this house half naked young lady!!" Much to my surprise the husband actually answered the completely rhetorical question with "I'm sure you would have been a great mother to a daughter" with kindness and sincerity.
It was one of things where I would have rewound time and recorded that since, I'm pretty sure the last time he said something nice was 9/11 when he shockingly and completely out of character said "I have a great family" just before heading towards the world trade center where he used to work.
So, maybe, because I am at a loss for any other reason, that is why I had a dream last (oh yes, it is another dream post) where we made a baby. I will spare you the gory production details (you're welcome), however, once I dream-realized that I was probably in fact dream-pregnant I asked my self what possible chance a baby born to an aged woman such as me, with an aged and sickly gentleman such as the husband had of being healthy and normal and then I was really dream-sad wondering about all the ways this future dream-child would be incapacitated. Also, I did dream-mourn the loss of my long awaited ME time which I recognized as being around the corner in my not dream world. You know, the ME time that never manages to become a reality? Even in my dreams I am acutely aware of how trapped my current life situation makes me feel. Also, I am incredibly reality based in my dreams, completely understanding the risks of mid life pregnancy. And weirdly, even during my dream I was aware that I was keeping things real by not pretending that getting pregnant at this stage of my life was going to be a walk in the park, and I knew I was keeping it real. So, strange.
I woke up with all of those bad feelings right under the surface and also kind of tired because this dream happened early in the night and once I woke up in a panic over the dream-pregnancy and had to fully wake myself to recognize the much better reality of actually not a single chance in hell of being pregnant (with the one exception of a new savior being born from an immaculate conception) (TMI?) I had understandable trouble falling back to sleep.
Which is fascinating since not only did I do a three hour walk in the woods with sweet pea yesterday morning but I also did 44 flights of stair climbing on the stair climber followed by an hour long qigong class in the afternoon, so I should have been physically tired enough to pass out for a solid 8 hours. Wouldn't you think?
This time of year always gets me down, even when my life is all peaches and cream. Not sure when I ever thought life was peaches and cream, and this could possibly be my problem! I'm third of waking up in the dark, showering, drying, getting dressed and then taking sweet pea out for her morning whiz while it is still dark!! One day I'm going to have to get my own personal tropical greenhouse in which I can pretend it is eternally summer or move somewhere less wintry. Moving sounds like it is actually the easier choice since I pretty much kill every plant. Not a green thumb.