Someone showed up at the dog park today with her sister from washington dc. The sister told me how everyone is walking around like they are going to a funeral. I still feel that way too. Except I feel like it is my own funeral. I just can't seem to adopt the "it's only four years and government moves slow, he won't be able to do that much damage" perspective because not only do I not believe that but I am also quite concerned about the hateful every day people who are going to start acting up right now. Also, nuclear war. Why can't I just sleep for four years!?!?!?
I am just so freaking sad and so freaking frustrated that I can barely express it. If only there was one thing for me going in a great direction right now..... like a lottery win. I sit around and fantasize about all of the good things I could do with a ridiculous amount of money- like help kids and women's issues. I would be such a generous lottery winner! I don't need a fancy car or anything crazy, I'd just want to not have to worry and then be benevolent. Giving other people the opportunity not to worry would make me so happy.
Other good things that could be happening for me right now are: getting recognized for my stellar photography, the husband being instantly cured and jumping off the couch and going back to work, Evan going off to a solid college, and Matt calling me every once in a fucking while. At least it looks like Evan will likely be off to a legit college in the fall.
Ok.... I'm forcing myself to think mundane thoughts.
The amazing brisket I made for the first night of chanukah lasted three nights. (it was an 8 pound brisket...) The first two nights we had it straight, but tonight I soaked it in barbecue sauce and we had pulled brisket sandwiches. If I even remotely liked red meat I'd make it as a regular dish but now I feel like I'll be carrying the stench of red meat with me for a few days so I might have eat vegetarian or take mineral salt baths to get rid of it. The other thing that I can smell when I eat it is cow's milk. Yuck!! When all of these pesky kids move out I am going full out vegetarian/borderline vegan. I've just had more meat in my life than I can stand. It's so gross. I am somewhat disappointed that we didn't get chinese food for either christmas eve or christmas day but I'm sure we will order it some day this week. I just don't feel like cooking, ever, and if no one was around to cook for I'm pretty sure I would be on a raw vegetarian diet just because I would be so happy not to cook. In my imagination I get very happily thin when I don't have to prepare food for other people. This is a critical flaw in thinking since I do not have to prepare the dark chocolate or frozen dairy free confections that magically make their way into my freezer every time I get back from the store. I think I need LSD therapy to deal with my flawed relationship with food. I'm going to figure out how to volunteer for a study.
Also, I have some ideas about getting creative with images I already shot. I just need to figure out how I am going to mount them so I can rephotograph them. But I just had a brainstorm as I typed the word mount, so hurray for me internet! I know what to do now!! Oh my goodness. I am very excited. I owe you vast emptiness.