So, I had a colonoscopy yesterday. Just routine. Everything is fine. Originally I went to the gastro guy because of the "trouble" I was having all summer, but then once I started treating for anaplasma (damned ticks) it cleared up, but when I saw the gastro guy he told me I was overdue for this routine exam and made me schedule an appointment. Yes, it was three months out. That seems to be the way things roll these days.
What I really wanted to be able to do was to live tweet the pre-colonoscopy prepping experience because that is something that folks do not warn you about. I text asked lil sis if she wanted the play by play and she text said Nope. Which just goes to prove that some people do not recognize opportunity when it knocks on your door because (this was in the early stages) I was going to make that shit funny. Literally!! See what I did there??
I guess I'll just have to wait a couple of years until the next go around to be funny about the prepping, however I am sure that by then someone else will have stolen my idea. Also, how it rolls these days. I had a little bit of a negative experience with the cranky nurse who put in my IV line though. First she tried to insert it about two inches below my elbow. It hurt like a mother fucker, and I told her so, but she tried to jam some fluid up it anyway and when she pushed so hard her hand shook and couldn't get anything through she got annoyed, ripped the IV out of my arm, slapped some gauze on it, grabbed some new supplies like she was going to hurt them or something and attacked the bend of my elbow. Then she patronizingly told me that they do not like to put IVs in the crook of an elbow because people bend their elbows and mess it up. Um.. I didn't tell her where to put it in... (But I totally could l have told her where to shove it) So I sat there for 30 minutes without moving my arm an inch because I did not want to mess the IV up.
When they finally wheeled (dramatic, but I actually walked) me into the procedure room they told me to lie on my side and when I rested the IV arm onto my side it hurt like a mother fucker too, so I told the anesthesiologist, who took a look at it and said that there was a pocket of IV fluid forming under my skin. For some bizarre reason he kept poking the pouch of fluid under my skin and asking if it hurt. He took that second bad IV out and inserted on into the top of my hand. Thankfully I was out like a light within 2 minutes of that last insertion because despite being effective it kind of hurt too.
The second I woke up I asked the nurse of she could take the hand IV out because it was hurting and at first she didn't want to incase I needed it for nausea, but I reassured her I was fine and ready to go. She insisted for some strange reason that I should not be able to feel it and I told her that I could and she gave in. She had to tug and tug and when the IV finally came out blood started spurting up from the back of my hand like a little water fountain. She covered it with the meager amount of gauze she had prepared while applying some firm and direct pressure and reaching for more gauze. The nurse admitted that hands are not supposed to spurt blood. Seems the final IV tubing was bent over while in my vein. Not my day for IVs!
Here is a photo of the bruising from the first IV. Miraculously the other two barely bruised. I thoughtfully included a ruler because you'll want proof that the bruise measures precisely 1 3/4 inches on it's long side and I also included a crayon in my photo incase you want to describe this to a friend and are not sure precisely which glorious shade of purple the bruising is.