When I show up at the woods every morning I am one of two moods- either I am in a photo mood, which means I have already determined that the light is what I enjoy and am saddled with gear (that freaking tripod gets heavier every day- I am not kidding) and not interested in in seeing or talking to anyone or I am there to walk and be social and if that is the case I am on the hunt for someone to walk and chat with. One person who I don't often see (but enjoy walking and chatting with) is a woman who is a therapist. Last week the therapist told me this whole story about breaking away from a group she was involved with to venture out on her own and how all of a sudden people are calling her in droves- she can barely keep up. I said You know why, don't you? thinking it was completely obvious to everyone with the ability to think on a critical level. Much to my surprise she asked WHY? Then I told her it was because of the current political climate. It's driving people to the brink. And when I said people, what I really meant was ME. But you know, I made it general because misery loves company and all I want to do is bury my head for the next week OR week and four years depending on who wins.
Yesterday the chiro told me that even if satan wins life as we know will not change all that much but I do not believe him and I am quite frightened with the amount of folks out there who are crazy with hatred and anger because I can imagine a scenario where those people are also the people who are hoarding weapons and willing to do crazy stuff if they don't get their way. It's really getting me down. And I told the chiro I thought that I had maybe passed the border from sad to depressed (also, don't forget my life, which could be much different right now) and if he thought that there was some supplement I could take. The general doctor tried giving me a prescription but I shook my head NO because clickmom does not take that stuff. I am a delicately balanced flower and not going down that street ever (again). Did I ever tell you how bottom of the barrel depressed I got from taking birth control pills in college? It was crazy. And the one time I did talk a minimal amount of antidepressants for three days I got into a fender bender because I was truly sleep walking from a dose that the shrink said would do nothing for me but was a first step to building up some level in blood blah blah blah. So, long story short, once I was on antidepressants for three days, couldn't pry my eyes open, had a fender bender, never took them again, never will. However, I'll try any herbal or homeopathic remedy.
So the chiro did his AK voodoo magic and said that depression was not showing up but anger was. My eyes lit up and I said OH, I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU ANGER WOULD SHOW UP! and then I got so happy because I would way rather be angry than depressed. It's so tough of me! Can't believe I got them confused. But I really can because I am the kind of person that when I get so angry I think my head is going to explode I cry, so all this crying I have been doing ..... anger frustration. If there was a maple syrup type tap that I could hammer into an anger vein and just let the anger drip out into a bucket I totally would. But the crazy thing is that I do not know how to let it go. I feel like quite the idiot because I hear other people letting go of anger for huge tragedies, way worse than anything I could even imagine and they let it go so it doesn't destroy them, and I want to be that kind of person, but I can't even wrap my head around who to begin to not be angry. I'm suspecting that being angry has to less to do with the shitty circumstance of my current situation (though it is not helping) and more to do with being a dumping ground for everyone else's crazy since I made my way onto this earth. You know? It's cumulative. It's also probably why I imagine the answer for me being to create my own little private witness protection plan and start over as someone new. No baggage. I look up to the heavens and wonder, When do I get my break? and I'm starting to think that there is no break unless I create the break for myself. I'll have to work on that. I don't know how to do that either.