I think a lesson life is trying to teach me (the hard way) is to be flexible. I am not flexible. Not so much in the big deal things and not even so much in the little deal things. I am a planner and I like to be prepared. HAHAHAHA I always walk around acknowledging that we make these maps for our lives and changing them is so incredibly difficult. But now, I must step into that place, which I am unfamiliar with, that place of grace and surrender and and recognize that I can not control the things which I can not control.
Try having your husband of almost 30 years being diagnosed with a variety of brain diseases (because the diagnosis keeps changing) all of which are incurable, fatal and the only treatment available is for palliative care- OR maybe not. Because when it comes to the brain they just do not know. I get that. But now, I do not know. And a girl can not plan and prepare for things which she does not know are coming down the pike. The are no tests for the living, only tests for the dead, and seriously?? Does it matter once you're dead? Yes, if you have three kids. Fuck you life. (Insert middle finger gesture)
Also, there are the little things. Since we have barely had a passing cloud (Hello drought!) in months, I decided that this fall would be my time to embrace the sun and hone my currently nonexistent passion for photographing on sun drenched days. I bought a book last fall in Philly of sun drenched landscapes and it is inspiring. I have been leafing through it trying to get in touch with something inside of me that embraces the brilliant light. I made sure both camera batteries were charged and then I checked the 10 day forecast. Not a single sunny day in sight. OK, I told myself, just stay in soft light mode. This morning I woke up in the dark (I hate you short days!) and clicked on the TV news on to hear good weather news! There would be sun this morning changing to clouds in the afternoon. Hurray, right? I skipped downstairs to let sweet pea out only to peer into the strange half committed fog. Well, I love fog! Hurray for fog! I will take fog photos! Then on my way to the woods the fog appeared and disappeared four times. I brought my kit to the woods because I had decided that I would photograph (and enjoy it dammit!) no matter what, but since there was no fog, and only thick woods darkening clouds, when I arrived I decided to leave my kit safely at my friend's place while I first took sweet pea for a quick social spin. Well, don't you know what happened, half way through our walk? The sun came out, I was thrilled! Hurray for sun! Embrace the light!! I went back to the friend's (she lives across the street and I was parked in her driveway) got my camera kit and dashed back to the park, aaaaannnndd, it was overcast again. The weather can bite me. BITE ME WEATHER!! I photographed anyway. And I posted my favorite of the day on instagram where the world's super nicest visiting professor to my grad program liked it. So, Hurray for overcast. By the time I finished photographing I was emotionally exhausted.
And by emotionally exhausted I mean, more emotionally exhausted than the empty shell of a human being/zombie, one foot on the panic side of the fence and one on the sadder than sad side, I have been walking around as for the past 4.5 months.