Have you ever had a thought that seems like an incredible life mystery solving breakthrough and then 8 hours later when trying to review that diamond of a thought think to yourself "HUH??" In case I'm the only one with his tendency I will share with you what that process is like.
This morning when I was taking sweet pea for a heart healthy 5 mile hike (2.5 up a mountain and 2.5 down the mountain) I was thinking about my big plan before the summer to do a photo series where I only looked up. Pre-summer and pre-husband health disaster it seemed to make so much sense to look up. I don't even know why because looking up translates to hopefulness, positivity and good things coming down the pike and even before the hospitalization/diagnose fiasco things were far from "looking up." Either way, I got up to utopia in drips and drabs between all the doctor appointments and I simply could not bring myself to look up. I mean, it's as if my head no longer tilts backwards. So, I did the opposite and created photos looking down, or out- and in the end the photos I made this summer had nothing to do with direction and everything to do with feelings and that is always the parameter you want to work in as an artist anyway. From time to time I'd think about looking up but I could never actually bring myself not to simply look up but to look up and really see what there was to see long enough to determine if what I saw in the sky was my emotional truth. (Yeah, I'm going whole hog artist this days.) Then it hit me like a strike of lightning. The whole disaster for the husband spun out of control when the doctors saw that he could not look up- literally, his eyeballs could not move upwards. That is when they ordered the MRI and gave him the PSP diagnosis. Then while walking down a gravelly slope I checked to make sure that my own eyeballs went up (and down-because that's actually more important) and ended up doing an unintentional lung when my foot slipped on some of the down hill road gravel so I had to focus on carefully putting one foot in front of the other instead of being lost in my own little photo world.
This afternoon, after seeing some inspirational clouds I fetched my camera and settled down on the dock to look up. Well, actually, looking up is easy when you're lying on a lounger. It's more like looking forward when your head is already horizontal. Then the sentry came by asking to swim off our dock and I told her about my stupendous revelation about my own inability to lookup and looking up being the beginning of all the husband's problems and she just gave me a blank stare. Now, in fairness to both my ego and the sentry, she did manage to somehow lose both of her hearing aids, so you know, maybe she heard maybe she didn't, but in the end the whole thing sounded less like solving the space time continuum than it did while I was heading down the mountain and also like I need to think more about something bigger, like feeding the hungry or solving the problem of domestic violence.
That's how it goes folks. Welcome to my world.