In my life in general I would really like to be present, but this summer I feel as if I am floating through in a dream on a dream cloud. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I am as low as I can be but what I am feeling is NOT ENGAGED. I talk to people, I feel but there is also a veil of numb around me at all times.
In some ways I'm thinking "thank good for the numb!" Maybe that's why people think I'm being "so strong" when the last thing I feel like is "strong." I would more describe my current state of mind as heavy on the internal whining, unrealistic fantasies of running away (as if I could ever actually run away!! that fantasy is more like my comedy relief because really, I am the last one to shirk a responsibility) and overwhelming desire to hide under the blankets.
The summer after mom died I binge watched Nip Tuck. This summer I am binge watching Wentworth. Luckily for me it is four seasons long and I just started a couple of weeks ago. I try not to watch more than 3 episodes a day just because I know how let down I am going to be when I watch the last episode. It's good to have something to do that I can do sitting on my butt while the husband sleeps what ever is left of his life away.
Today I am feeling angry. I am angry because he doesn't even try to do anything. He doesn't try to be actually engaged he doesn't try to make himself move. He gave up a long time ago, but at least he had that one important thing: work. And work gave him purpose. I hardly think that solving 5 easy level sudoku games a day is purpose. Also, you can not hold me responsible if I punch that iPad into his face after staring at the back of it for hours at a time. The whole punching thing is just a ploy to get him to express an emotion- even anger would be welcome at this point. He has two tests next week (both scans) that I am hopeful we will get us some answers. Throw me a bone universe!! At least give me a couple of realistic guesses about what the hell is going on in the great expansive void which used to be his intelligence and personality.