A few nights ago I wandered down to the dock while taking sweet pea out for her last pit stop of the night. There seemed to be more stars than usual so I sat down on the deck chair and leaned back. Quickly I saw two separate shooting stars, the sight of which always takes me back to the summer of 2007 when Evan and I stood on the balcony of the rental hovel and watched the meteor shower. It struck me as such a fantastically distant memory. My mother had just had her big "de-bulking" peritoneal mesothelioma surgery, my dad had just started the experimental oral chemotherapy which bought him an extra year and a half of life, and grandma wasn't even failing in health yet. (memory, yes, the downward health spiral had not yet begun). For all I knew the husband was fine and my kids were still young and delicious and all mine. Wow, I feel like I was just sucker punched a million times. If you had told me then that my mom, dad and grandma would be dead soon after, that Matt would go to college and never turn around, that the husband would start his crazy slow decline that he is in right now, Evan's trouble, money trouble, my teeth would all fall out... I might have thought you had just seen some over the top soap opera or I might have crawled into a cave.
I had a really hard time this morning when I was walking sweet pea and I called a friend. All this stuff, which never seems to end, going down right now is so much to handle and everyone keeps telling me how tough I am and I keep wondering if a woman is tough when all she really wants to do is run away. But I can't run away because I am the sole care giver at clickmom's nursing home for people who won't admit anything is wrong.
Last week the guy who won't admit anything is wrong had two doctor appointments. One was with a neurologist ophthalmologist and I was looking forward to some answers, but as always, no answers came. So. Whatever. Next week he has three appointments, one of which is a PET scan and I feel like all of my eggs are in this Pet scan egg basket, thinking it might unlock the mystery of what precisely is happening to the husband. I mean, I know what's wrong with him, I just don't have a category to put it into to help me understand what all this means, how to progress or guide me in taking care of things.
I'm so frustrated. Tired, sad and frustrated.