I never hardly ever dream of my dead parents or dead grandma. Yesterday, after a truly delightful day with Josh, I spotted a yahrzeit candle on my kitchen island, and today is the day I light it for my dad (4 years!) so I set the candle up on my stove, because my mom used to always the put the one she lit for her dad on the stove, so there isn't really anywhere else for me to put it, and I guess I was probably thinking about my dad least night. The whole candle thing feels so heavy in my heart, I really don't want to think about how much I miss him or how much he has missed out on. Before he had his massive stroke he told me and little sis that the one thing he regrets would be missing out on seeing our kids grow up, and I can't stop thinking how fabulous my kids are and how much I'd like to be able to share that with a grandparent, who might be the only person who could really appreciate their amazingness as much as I do.
With all that candle related thinking going on it really shouldn't be surprising to have a dead parent dream, but what was surprising to me is that I dreamed about my mother. I don't think I've ever dreamed about her before. I have been trying to be more forgiving about her lack of parenting or even interest in me as a human being sharing the planet with her, and just LET IT GO and move forward, so there might be something meaningful about this. Here is what I dreamed,
Josh and me were riding on a motorcycle. He was sitting in front of me and the wind on my face felt really good. In my dream I was as totally happy and content as I could feel. In my dream I was trying to etch the exact happiness of that very moment into my thoughts so I can call on it forever. All of a sudden in my dream I am aware of someone pressing against my back, but I'm on a moving motorcycle, so it is weird. Somehow I know I am dreaming, so it wouldn't make sense for someone to be leaning into me, but I am sure I feel an actual real person pressing on my back so I look over my shoulder and it is my mother, and she is young and beautiful. She tells me she just came to tell me goodbye. Somehow that goodbye legitimizes me and means that I am a part of her thoughts and her consciousness and the act of saying goodbye to me has erased all of the neglect. Then my young beautiful mother begins to float away to my left, and I reach up and I take her hand, stopping her from leaving, she looks at me because she has to go and I very sincerely thank her for saying goodbye to me and I let go of her hand and she floats away until she is gone and I look forward and I am still riding that motorcycle in my moment of happiness with Josh.