I'm so annoyed at REAL SIMPLE magazine right now. I got my new issue, the cover promised me "The New Rules For againg Gracefully"
Yeah Right. On what freaking planet REAL SIMPLE??
Example of ridiculousness number 1: They tell you to lighten your hair with streaks so the gray roots show less. Also so you can have completely unnatural striped freaking hair, because how youthful is striped hair? NOT!
ridiculousness number 2: "Pony tails can be sophisticated" They forgot to say: If you have a high priced hair stylist on your payroll. Other wise you'll like you are either heading to the gym or haven't had time to wash your hair. (Oh wait, maybe that is just me) What they neglect to say: If you have a weird little pin head and are graying at the temples (like me) SKIP THE FREAKING PONY TAIL.
MOST RIDICULOUS: Your lips are better off RED! REAL SIMPLE MAGAZINE says that even if your pencil lips are thinning with age there is still a perfect red out there for you. Wrong wrong wrong REAL SIMPLE MAGAZINE, because there are certain people (hello!) who , even when (I) they (was) were 16 years old couldn't pull off the red lip stick. Behold! REAL SIMPLE magazine's skinny lipped model?
And now internet audience behold a slightly modified illustration of me wearing red lipstick:
I simply can not pull off the red. Never could. Not a day in my life could I wear red lip stick and not look cruel and mean. I dare anyone from REAL SIMPLE magazine to show up at my door with a red lip stick/gloss/tinted balm or stain that doesn't make me call for my flying monkeys and grab for my crystal ball. I DARE YOU!!
Other bologna: long hair is hip (on Sunnybrook Farm that is), get some bangs (none of the models wore bangs), smoky eyes rock (I gave myself some smokey eyes and asked Matt what he thought. Matt thinks that the smokey eyes make up style should be reserved for people with bulging eyes who want to make their eyes look smaller) and use foundation. (Because everyone knows how successfully most women choose the right shade of sea sick foundation to settle into their fine lines and wrinkles. Seriously REAL SIMPLE!!)
Here are my rules for aging gracefully:
1. Skip the botox and the filler. Everyone is lying to you about looking great and they are laughing behind your back. Nothing says "I am totally insecure about my looks" like trout pout and those weird downward pointing frozen inner eyebrows. Also, keep it up long enough and the filler will make you look puffy and swollen, like you gnawed on a salt lick all of last week. Not flattering.
2. Gray is a fact of life. Purple is not. Look at your hair color in the sun and if it is purple just shave your head. You'll get sympathy and from people who think you are sick and that is better than walking around with humiliating eggplanty colored hair. NO STREAKS! Especially "chunky" streaks. If your hairdresser recommends any kind of streaks for you, streak right out of that chair and into the street and don't stop til you are a safe distance away. Streaks do not exist in nature unless you are a streaked tenrec or a Yorkie or something. You always wanted one of those hair salon capes anyway, admit it.
3. When it comes to makeup, less is classy. Leave the heavy duty stuff for the unwrinkled teenagers. Make up works much like injectables, too much will make you look embarrassed to be the bad ass wisdom filled older woman you are and make you look more like a drag queen or like Pamela Anderson coming out of the clubs at three in the morning or both. tsk tsk. You are way too intelligent to fall for too much makeup.
4. Heels are stupid. They hurt your feet, knees, hips and spine, all of the original models of such are more valuable to you by the day. Don't risk what you still have.
5. Put the girls away. No one wants to see you tissue paper thin skin cleavage. Or your bat wings for that matter. Sleeves are your friends. So are knee length walking shorts.
6. There is such a thing as too much jewelry. (Not in your collection, but worn at one time) If your ear lobes are brushing the tops of your shoulders you are no longer a candidate for earrings. Try long, down to your bosom, necklaces. They take the focus off your wrinkly neck.
7. Speaking of bosom, no pointy cone shapes, underarm poofs or inner spillage lumps. Get a fitting at a solid bra shop. A well fitted bra alone will take years off your look. I promise.