born free

Totally uninspired posting from tonight. It took me almost 4 1/2 months but I have finally, on this daily posting odyssey, come up completely dry. Stuff happened today, I did some deep thinking, just nothing I can spin into something entertaining. I think. Here I sit, anyway, because I said I would do it, so much like Suess's Horton, I am committed.

Bubbles told me this whole theory that if you tell yourself you can do something then you can, but if you tell yourself you are weak then you will be weak. Personally, when I feel like I might be weak, I just think anything recent about the scumcle and that gets me all irritated and then my adrenaline starts flowing and I can bench press, squat, press, etc... any weight I want. In the last year I have often turned my thoughts over the scumcle while at the gym. I am very strong.

I gave myself the day off from seeing grandma today. I just felt to sad and anxious about going over there. So I decided to not go today. I literally had to talk to myself (I told you I talk to myself) like I was my own friend and tell myself that not going for one day was just fine. Grandma would be fine, I could use the break and no one could ever think I was anything less than a wonderful grand daughter. And as soon as I made the decision not to go over there, I felt this huge pressure lift off me and the rest of the day felt easily manageable.

Last week I sent my editor a card for mothers day. I didn't go looking for a card for her but spotted one that said something very nice about being mom-like and I added my own little appreciative thoughts and sent it off. She got it on Saturday and was very grateful. Then she called me around noon today and I ended up going out to lunch with her and it was very nice. I wish she was my family, I really do. We are so similar.

Then I went to grandma's apartment in the OFH to pick up some of her blankets for her to use at the nursing home. I have until the end of the month to clean the apartment out. I know making the time to do that will be rough. Just being there is rough. And seeing all the nice clothes that grandma couldn't be bothered wearing is just another stab at my heart. Going through her things will be worse. It's going to like giving her life to charity. The salvation army is coming to pick it all up on the 29th. The deadline will help. I just hope I am not sitting there on the night on the 28th trying to get it all done. Procrastination is my middle name.

Josh's buddy came over after school and his face was all scratched up. I asked him what happened and he told me that his other friend did it. I wanted to find the so called other friend and establish some justice. I'm kind of on my last straw with kids who are not civil. I really need the summer to come so I can head up to utopia. I need a break from this whole place.

Even though I had that good warm fuzzy feeling from the mothers day trip to the amusement park Matt came home injured from one of the rides. His bruise began to rise to the surface this afternoon and it's gonna be a doozy. I took him to the chiro who, aside from the obvious arm injury, pronounced Matt's shoulder being out of joint, his ribs off kilter and something else too. Matt got a work over. He hated it. He was afraid the chiro would touch his sore arm.

I surprised my guitar teacher today. He always wants me to memorize everything and as I was demonstrating my (haha) mastery of last week's assignment he slowly slipped the music away from me and I continued playing. I did have it memorized. I shocked myself too, if I have to be honest about. But when it comes to guitar I am starting to wonder if I am ever going to get it. I fell like a total uncoordinated spaz. And I can barely tell one hand what to let alone both at the same time. I often compare myself to Steve Martin's character in the Jerk while sitting there in front of my guitar teacher. And I also tell him "baby steps for me, baby steps". Also, he doesn't get that a big part of why I want to lay the guitar is so I can sing along with myself, and he keeps giving me these great musical pieces, but all I want to do is some slow motion songs. (finger spaz) Left to my own devices I am astonished to find out that I have quite the penchant for John Denver songs. Also, The Sound of Music and anything Beatles, but the John Denver stuff is the music I tell myself not to play in front of just anyone. Like I would ever play in front of most people!

Comments

[Betsy]

Delurking to make you feel better regarding your grandmother; when my mother was in a similar condition, the nurses told me she was actually better when I wasn't there. She knew she should know who I was (her only daughter) and grew very frustrated and agitated that she didn't know me. So don't beat yourself up on that one. She is in her own little world now.