written on 2/28 from my local Starbucks, in a hurry cause Josh has a BK kids meal and it wasn't the Sponge Bob toy he wanted.
Called Peanut this morning to with her luck-she was on her way out the door for her surgery and calmer than I could ever be in a million years. Seriously- I get more worked up over a trip to the dentist than she seemed to be this morning on the phone. People like me think people like her are faking it, and I am worried that it is all going to come out at once. I guess she could just be calm, but I remain suspicious. Say a prayer for Peanut.
Then I spoke to my little sis, who like me is having trouble breathing and concentrating. Mom's surgery is tomorrow. Say an extra prayer for Mom too, we'll take any religion, cause she is going to need some serious help just to make it through the surgery.
I tried to swim as usual today, just to stay in my routine, and found that not being able to breath deep and swimming don't go together so well. It did feel good to be more than a little breathless at the end of it though. I kind of feel like I want to just run and run and run until it is all over and I can't think or feel or worry any more. Remember when Forrest Gump just ran and ran? I want to do that. Damn these bad knees, oh yeah and the kids, I guess I can't ditch the kids either. Maybe I should just walk on a treadmill. I think I could use a punching right about now. We still have no internet from home, but help should be arriving in the form of a cable guy tomorrow while I am away. I will most like ly bring my laptop so I can post from Florida. Posting makes me feel like I am still normal or okay. Writing makes me feel like I have a friend to talk to. Partlyt his is because my friends are checking in, and they call me and know what is going on, which is nice for me because then I don't have to say the same thing 18 times, and partly because I just feel like getting it all out and am not necessarily looking for the feedback. I can get that from one of the other freaking voices in my head. (kidding) I know what I would say to someone else is going through what I am going through. I know there is nothing any one can say, and only hope for the best. My mom has to 1. survive the surgery and 2. either not have cancer or have an early stage of it that they can remove. I'll know what the deal is tomorrow when it is all over. In 24 more hours hopefully I'll be able to breathe.
written on 2/27 with no internet access or sugar - day 2
I am a bit surprised that I am able to drop the sugar. It was probably made easier by the fact that I was still feeling queasy from eating it, and hadn't re-immersed myself in it yet. I find it interesting to note that after almost a year of no sugar it made me nauseous to eat it. It also made my heart race. I wonder if I was feeling that way all the time when eating it but never noticed because I had gotten accustomed to it.
Today is day my two. The timing could have been better. Tomorrow is Peanut's surgery, the next day I will fly off to Florida to be there when my Mom has her surgery, and in the mean time I am detoxing and PMSing. Typically my reaction to this kind of stress would be to eat everything in sight and then whip up another batch. Today I can't do that. There shall be no more stress eating for Clickmom! If only I was a stress cleaner my place would be immaculate right now. I am beat.
Today I took Josh to the Y for his sports and games class. Since it is only 30 minutes long I decided to wait in the lobby and read my book. Fifteen minutes into the half hour I noticed my eyes rolling back into my head, put the book down and fell fast asleep with my head in my hands. I woke up with a start from total oblivion just at the minute Josh's class was over. I jumped to my feet before my brain had reconnected with my legs and stumbled toward the gym. Can you say "Clickmom is graceful and smooth."? Not if you were in the lobby of the Y at 2:45 today!
I am tired, the kind if tired that even caffeine can't help (I know cause I tried) so I am just going to call it a night. I find that going to bed early during detox helps. Sleep eating is the one eating I never mastered. And using dreams don't count. So, I can dream eat all I want. Maybe tomorrow I will have time to stop by some place with internet (and coffee!) and post this. My internet is gone, all gone, and I suspect the culprit is a malfunctioning cable modem. Speaking of, I spent 40 minutes on the phone with the tech guy from my cable company today and the little cutie was totally totally flirting with me! I want to bite his cheeks, which in my imagination are attached to an amazingly cute face and totally boy-buff body. I even mentioned my kids and the husband to see if this scrumptious sounding tech kid would be less of a cutie if I kept hinting at my advanced age and life situation, but he wasn't scared off by anything! So, as I head up stairs alone since the husband off at some work related dinner thing it is the cable tech guy that I will be drifting off thinking of. Well, him and ice cream.